Pilgrim

A la Follie!

2007-11-03T19:31:00.001+01:00

Life has a way of turning the deepest sorrows into profound joys. It is in the everyday beauty of the little things that this pilgrim learnt of love in a whole different spectrum. She found life in death, joy in sorrow, calm in pain, and hope above all else that this path was the path. New chapters closed around her like young rose petals over luminous, colorful, pollen as if to protect a hidden truth, a well preserved treasure. She knew she wasn't the only flower standing, in fact, she knew that there were many other budding flora.

The last she'd felt of real joy was whe she saw her sweet mama's smile the day of her graduation. It was the same smile she saw at her high school graduation except that there was something different about being a university graduant. That something that makes people suddenly talk to you different, wish you good things in a different manner, allow you to realize that you will very soon be dependent on your own means. Tears formed in her eyes as words, which were always at the tip of her tongue, dissolved into boundless humility. Yet here she is again, months since graduation and every waking moment is pure bliss because of a hope that's taken over her in ways she cannot verbalize.

She sits in her quiet room every night and reads and reads and reads and all the while, a silent, fervent prayer is being sent up to the high heavens. So keen is her faith that she almost can't believe it… almost ;-) The ease with which she has been able to leave the past behind and concentrate on the here and now simply continues to drive her to greater heights. Miss Pilgrim has taken on many names. She answers to Miss E because she is a lady of character and mystery, she's been through some sufferings but she knows well that they were only temporary and above all she recognizes that no amount of suffering could be compared to the glory she will find in her Father's kingdom so she endures and always pulls through to the next round. She answers to blessed, destined, devoted, called… all names of virtue that were meant for such a time as this. Nothing in the world can make her bitter or resentful. Even the suffering of the world she now sees as a way to acknowledge God's infinite power and in faith she can call out to Him knowing that suffering is but for a moment and life is for eternity.

Thinking back on days passed, a fascinating thought dawns on her. She is who she is because of who He is. Now, in light of all the wisdom imparted to her in these last few months, she is able to wake up thankful, complain free, trying her hardest to be the person she was born to be. In all, she gives thanks for the tribulations, the trials, the tests, and the blessings. Redemption has never felt sweeter!

Shalom!

2007-07-23T13:34:00.001+01:00

Beaucoup

She always found herself in strange but very real predicaments. Trying to articulate her own beliefs was like having to say a million tongue twisters in a million different languages, and still she persisted because it was imperative that she was understood… or so she thought. She learned long before, that there was a certain feeling of self-inadequacy lurking around every 'sane' mind. Why is it that when little black girls looked over at their age mates they thought to themselves, "she has the good hair"? Was good defined by all the things we weren't or didn't have? Or the little white boy who gave up on his athletic skills because he was told that his place in society was in a large room filled with grown men that made exaggerated, goofy looking gestures as they screamed their offers to a giant screen controller. Everything seemed to come in color, degrees of pain, and constant unjust judgment. There seemed to be a rift between modesty and arrogance, the latter easily bruising inert victims. How is it that there was no in between? The search to learn to know, to be aware became one huge tough choice. How much did she want to know and how much of that did she really need to know? She had always thought that relating to someone's struggle was to form some sort of unity, some common ground that allowed a lighter load on broken shoulders, masking the limp of sufferance. She was wrong. People liked to own their struggle as if their stories were immeasurable, incomparable. They had to be hardcore. And when their time came, they'd foolishly misuse it to tell their story, their struggle, their prosperity all the while forgetting that gentler minds surpassed greater trials years before because they knew that nothing was new under the sun. There were no silent helpers. The days of humble servitude, for faith, for love, for God were long gone. Many times she bumped into souls on their journeys in search for truth and some sparked a beautiful light inside of her birthing feelings of gratitude, complete joy and love that could shimmer a light so bright even the hardest hard would succumb to a knowing smile. But just as she was about to hold on tight for the rest of the ride, skepticism she wasn't accustomed to asking questions that implied blame. She did not live her life wondering why the bridge was built after someone had fallen, but rather musing at how quickly she could build the one bridge that would save a life. She did not smile while her heart was bleeding and neither did she weep but somehow things came together in the end. She knew that his way with words was so crafted it felt like a violently gentle rivulet of bubbling sunset colored lava was pouring out of a quaint volcano. She could not and would never really be the dusty foot because as much as the original dusty foot was able to sketch his language out like a picture vivid, colorful, sometimes shockingly gory staying faithful to his truth, they were not her worlds, not her feelings, not her struggles, and not entirely her dreams.

Reconnecting with persons in the midst of absurdly diverse identical struggles brought the dawning of new waves of comprehension. She vibed with the Rasta understanding Christian man and understood him in ways she'd refused to look to in the past. Words set apart from the individual were divine but when mingled with the carnal became a confusingly predictable presumption. She wondered about places she'd never been. She was homesick for places she'd never called home before. In a surreal seventy two hours she was thrown into a sublime whirlwind of reality. The same reality that said, all men are one and the same, that suffering was actual, pain was definite, peace was obscure, and freedom was present despite resistance. All were intangible.

Little Miss Dusty foot found a chink in her plan to simply be. She wrestled with voices that told her that all this was so different from what she'd always known to be true. Questions flashed before her as she listened to stories of books unpublished, grudgingly hidden facts, ignored wars, unrestrained rage, necessary violence.. Necessary violence? She had long forgotten that to feel someone's pain was to share a part of onesself. Little-Miss-Dusty-Foot perched herself on a cloud and looked down dismally at her crippled siblings. She no longer heard their knife-like whimpers because her cloud played deceptively melodic harps that stabbed with seductive tunes that tickled a masked soul.

She sat looking into the hazel eyes of a brown skinned man that glared right through her as if he could sense the urgency in her core. He spoke patiently … genuinely. He became the one she had been waiting on at that moment in time. She tried to wiggle herself out of the discomfort that came with looming change by chirping awkward jokes, but awareness was one thing she could not avoid. Not with the composed fist clenched around her heart. She knew that the fist was not part of who she was and it was certainly not liberating. It was a fallacy that had been implanted there from the moment she could discern wrong from right. It was the excitement that ran with the masses when they rapped on about the struggle, the adrenaline that pumped revolution through her ready veins. It was a fight with someone else's cause… or someone's brother's cousin's nephew's cause. Sitting low on four beige floor cushions, she looked up and saw that there was no fist here; there was no antagonism or force. There was amity in the small living room. The hazel eyed brown skinned man became separate from his body. His soul shone through and the Word prevailed. Little-Miss-Dusty-Foot came down a cloud. She thanked him with glistening eyes, convinced that good did prevail and truth could never be suppressed. A hug and a kiss parted them and the clouds thinned out bringing her closer to the previously distant whimpers.

Life had by now decided that truth was the order of the day. She continued on. Not too far down the road, she mingled with the poet that she'd admired for months before. He had a way with words, articulation she wished she possessed. The poet spoke of lost friends, she wanted to reach through the apparatus that transmitted his pain and give him a hug that said, 'let me bleed for you '.The poet was not aware of her open heart, he did not see past his bushy curls, irregular hand gestures and puzzling voice from high to low. He didn't let her bleed. He preferred to own his pain. It was here that she saw the separation of soul and all things earthly. His hurt was real and immeasurable. Not many people walked around with as many stories to tell. He was hardcore; he had seen it all and was still standing. As the words were thrown like javelins at little-miss-dusty yet all she saw through her not so young not so old eyes was a man lost in his pains past. He did not see the big question in front of him – what now? She felt that awkward droop that fell disappointedly into the pit of her stomach every time she mistook a situation. She let him be.

The gentler soul sat quietly to the side and smiled when looked at, laughed hard at jokes when they were told, and brushed his hand against her shoulder when chance allowed spreading unspoken warmth. She turned her attention to him and remembered that life was about letting go and living in the here and now. That skipping was far more fulfilling an experience than talking about the past and being stuck in it. He reminded her that it was okay to lose one's way because it was a forked journey all the way through. He stopped to show her that time was needed to figure things out, and sometimes a friend's help was needed. In his gentle smile she saw a likeness to her own. The most humble voice she'd ever heard spoke calmly as one curly wisp of hair flirted musically with his eyelashes on the long walk around a city of lights that seemed to be reflecting the illumination shared. Of course there were times in the night where he became the body-man but all through, the soul-man shone through and rested his amiable hand on her soul leaving jovial sparks of wellness in the air.

It had been a long while since little-miss-dusty felt such rushes of consciousness. She was alive. She knew it. She enjoyed every moment passed even when it ended in slight disenchantment. It only served to teach lessons she'd hold dear for the rest of her life. As she flew home once again for the last time in a long time, she vowed to keep only the pure things closest to her heart. People were imperfect but they all had purity within. At home she found journeys stretched out before her some long and breezy, others short and winded. One wise man told her,' you know the way'. It was then that she committed herself to a journey she would call her own. No more little-miss-dusty. This was her world, her feelings, her dreams and our struggles, our pain, our salvation. She smiled in a blissful ignorance, without a name holding plenty of purpose and took her first step into His and her pilgrim, Him holding her hand, walking in front of her. Her eyes closed, trusting with faith that He was and is and always will be Truth.

Un peu

2007-06-24T14:29:00.000+01:00

Four years spent in a city where dogs are as common as the air we breathe, their poop even more common in uncommon textures, sizes and distribution, usually on small, stone-paved roads leading to student apartments, unvisited dentists’ offices, and the occasional ‘Arab store’, where the garbage trucks make more noise than army tanks, starting at six in the morning and coming back again to haunt expectant ears at dinner time. The very first year was one of mere adventure. A dusty foot daughter of the continent trekked worlds she’d not known before, all the while thinking that mentalities and goals were analogous. She learned in that first year that although friendship was hard to find, company could easily be arranged; unsuspecting leaches looking for a good time would well heartedly prepare themselves to be present at her small 32 square meter apartment after happy hour until a guest with the intention of sleeping in his/her own bed would glance at his/her watch signaling the rest for the last metro. Everything was touchable, everyone was allowed to taste because after all, exploration was the best way they could learn. And so they touched and tasted and ate and feasted to their fill but still there wasn’t enough to fully fill so some were shed off and life continued.

She messed up in almost all possible ways but somehow she was granted the chance to get back into the game. Slowly she learned how to pay her bills, manage her money, not be bothered that the only mail she ever got in her box consisted solely of bills for three years in a row. If care packages were what people got in their mail then her service providers sure did love her. She started to cook and eat in more; her ‘favorite’ meal though she’d never reveal that secret, was pasta because it was the fastest cooking cheap thing when famished. Frozen dinners never really did it for her but junk food did and haagen dazs was once again reunited with its greatest fan. This didn’t feel like that first time two years before when she’d left home to go and venture other pastures. In fact, her first month was delightful, filled with the usual motherly love, home-cooked dinners, and plenty of cross country shopping. That month came and went too fast.

Going to sleep in a bed alone is one thing; she started handling this well when she was about five. Having to sleep in an apartment by herself, with no one she knew in the whole complex was another thing. Try as she might to calm her shaky soul, she often found herself awake at odd hours of the morning thinking of what the people she loved were doing at that exact moment. She hiked up her phone bill calling the only people awake at such hours, her lovely friends from a previous journey on the other side of the ocean. Oh how she missed them. What was it about realizing how good things were after they were? They seemed to miss her too. That was comforting. Friendships last a lifetime. This she has learnt over and over again. Those who loved her then love her now and will love her more tomorrow, no matter the distance and the time apart. Days went by in a haze often begging to turn into night by pushing her body into afternoon naps, little escapades into absolute nothing.

Looking back now, growing up seems to have happened awfully fast. The memories caged up in her mind are playing hide and seek with her present and some of them shall never really be remembered as they occurred. One thing remains certain, when she reminisces of the ‘good old times’ she realizes that her body might tell her that those times were better but her soul knows for sure that where she is now in a much higher place. Acceptance received a whole new welcome, one that not even she could have imagined years before. She learnt the language, was stubborn enough to refuse to speak it regularly until she allowed herself the blessing of being where she was and learning what most people dreamed of and so she spoke this tongue twisting, throat scratching, and rolling language. Even with a globally confusing accent she took pleasure in it. Patience at this point she thought was one of her greater virtues but like most other lessons, she was reminded that the learning never ends and humans are not perfect. Time for time for time became more evident with every moment passed in solitude. Its realness and ungraspable paradox, its absurdity and yet very conscious sanity, its usefulness and at other times its complete waste… all these things she exposed.

Anger... or the closest thing she convinced herself she’d come to this emotion put her at an all time low. The reality of it all was that she’d never allow such an intense emotion to shower over her, not back then and definitely not now. There were questions, milliards of unanswered queries floating around in her head like eels in murky swamp water. Constant battles she fought with herself to win a war that had already been won for her. Love. Love. God. This for her was the ultimate state of soul. It still is. And because it is, the words to appropriate her true findings and sentiments to love remain safely in her soul as if refusing to be tarnished by all that she is sure is waiting to soil her last refuge. She tried to love despite all wrongdoings and even then she was reminded that she has yet more to learn.

Some have said that these four years are the determinant ones in life and without them, one’s destiny is changed. Little Miss Dusty Foot doesn’t agree. She, in her culturally mixed pot, ironically from same culture parents, begs to differ. Yes these years taught her a lot but the question of where her life would be isn’t for any PHD holding person to decipher. Faith that every action and occurrence has reason behind it keeps her on her toes and though she’ll look on these years with fondness, the future looks brighter than it ever looked.

Long Walks… Rediscovery

2007-05-10T20:13:00.001+01:00

"For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil." 1 John 3: 8

It's only been a short while after my Energy and Environment exam (read death to Esteri exam) and it just hit me that I spent more time counting how many questions I had done, than actually doing the exam. You see, the professor set 125 questions and we were supposed to do 85 questions only. Now on any other exam, especially a shorter one, this would be a dream! However, 125 questions are a little bit on the insane scientist side. Yes I should have known that a lot of physics would be involved and I should have remembered earlier that numbers are not exactly my best friend but goodness! is it really necessary to have all the madness I just encountered?? I really don't get it. I sing that education is the future and without it some people have lost out on many opportunities but sincerely speaking, this university ought to work on a more serious required science class for my major. I wouldn't have been half as sad and distraught if there was an anatomy class for example. Anywho, the first thing I read after turning on my computer was the verse above. And today, I am thanking God for fighting the devil that is physics! That made me smile a little but I so bombed that exam. God help me!

On the flip side, I bumped into my seminar professor on the street and she said our thesis is due on Monday and not tomorrow as was noted on the syllabus. And then the same evening (Monday) we are celebrating our beautiful class with a get together eat/be psychological/eat some more soiree. I am looking forward to that since Senior Seminar was my favorite class (perhaps because it directly involved my major).

I am supposed to feel better because I'll be done with exams by tomorrow but it's not sinking in just yet.

On to other things; I spent a beautiful Tuesday evening with a new friend and it was the nicest, simplest, and most comfortable thing I have done in Paris in a long time. We had coffee at Opera (Starbucks) where the interior deco was really nice. It did not feel at all like a regular Starbucks with those high, beautifully painted ceilings, plush deep purple velvet couches, and golden lighting to compliment the gold trimmed edges on almost everything. I had a caramel frappuccino since the weather was good enough to enjoy an iced coffee. He had a latte. We talked about family, school, life, Paris... why we love it, and why we sometimes hate it. We talked about home and came to agree that home is in your heart.

Then we embarked on one of the longest Paris walks I have done, the one with Marion on French independence comes second. I saw parts of Paris I had never stopped to notice before, I actually finally walked into Jardin des Tuileries. I have walked right across from it countless times on my way to WH Smith but not once did it occur to me to go inside and look around but on Tuesday, we ventured into the pretty gardens, smiled at the little kids waiting to pet and or ride the donkeys... or maybe they were mini horses, we couldn't agree on that. Then we went across the bridge to the other side of Paris where we grabbed some ice-cream at a Salon de The nicely hidden behind Notre Dame and it is the best caramel ice cream I have ever tasted! It was so thick and rich, like they'd frozen some fresh caramel glazed over with just enough cream to taste like ice-cream... if that made any sense. lol.

It threatened to rain the whole evening but it never did. It looked kinda cool with all the dark clouds and the wind. We walked through St. Germain des Pres to Concorde, passed Assemblee Nationale, Champ de Mars and finally back home. A five hour walk that was worth every step! I had so much fun and smiled so much that I forgot about my thesis, the above exam, and Paris looked as beautiful as it truly is in spring. I am thankful for meeting new people, thankful for reminders of where I ought to be going.

Just last night I chatted with an old friend (of two years lol, it really feels like forever B.abe) and I remembered how we became friends in the first place, exchanging ideas, encouraging each other, laughing about the good and the seemingly ugly in our lives. I can't wait to hang out and just Be.

During the week, it occurred to me that love is love (yes, I have my light bulb moments every now and then, no matter how duh they are). And because it is love itself, then it needs not fight, is not angered, and doesn't change. With learning to love unconditionally, I remember always that "we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me." (Hebrews 13:6) and with that, all things seem to come into their proper perspective.

Grateful for:

God, Humor, Love, Music, Return of Causes, Inspiration, Pizza, Peace, long walks, holding hands, realness, Ace, good sleep patterns, M, D, Fabz, studying with laughs, encouragement, family, never being in want, hope, here and now, letting go and letting God {have His way}… Being

Moment of the Week

Being on speaker phone with the fam… it's amazing how many people can talk at the same time and yet each one of them comes through to me perfectly coherently.

…and I am out for a little while

Bless!

Sometimes it hurts, sometimes not so much

2007-05-06T18:05:00.001+01:00

It's been a really long time since I posted anything about what I've been up to… I feel prepared to do that now, a breakdown of what's happening in Miss E's life. I am going to try my best to go off my memory and considering how reliable that is, you may or may not be reading accurate material and I warn you now, if you were with me the last two weeks, this might not be precise. I want to do this for the friends and family that haven't heard from me in a while so here goes.

I mentioned cutting my hair , and I finally went and got the big chop. It was a pleasant thing to do. I kept grinning at myself in the mirror as Maxim went chop chop all over the place. I love short hair. I don't believe that I've managed a long do ever. Not since I was a little girl and even then, I don't remember what it was like to have long hair. I was pleased with the new cut although the hairdresser would not cut the back and sides shorter. And because I am sometimes stubborn, I decided that after a few weeks of his version of my cut, I would perfect it myself and with absolute confidence, scissors in hand, I began to cut hair at the back of my head. No mirrors, no helpers, just my hand, my scissors and a prayer in my heart that if at all I do mess up, there's still enough hair for a fade effect. It turned out alright according to Momo who got a beautiful coloring today. Her hair has grown out so beautifully and she's rocking the straight hair as wonderfully as she wears her curls. Here's a photo of me after the first hair cut.

I was stressed out about handing in things on time, meetings with the registrar, professors, papers to hand in, exams to study for and that consumed nearly 80% of my energy although nobody probably caught up on it. I have learned that being in a place where people barely know each other well allows for you to wallow slowly in your own issues that it's impossible to look outside of yourself sometimes. Knowing this, I have no problem going through and dealing with issues from the inside out…

I started writing this blog three days ago and I still don't know if it'll ever make it to the actual blog page. My friend Ace thinks I ought to publish everything I write but sometimes I really do wonder. I wonder how much of myself I ought to give to people… I would like to think that I give all of myself but the last couple of years have made me think otherwise. Another good friend told me that I ought to laugh things off. Another said I think too much. The truth is I can't stop thinking. I wonder why it is that suddenly people are concerning themselves so much more with other people's issues… or rather what they think are issues. It's really sad to say but I feel like everyone's priorities are misplaced. A good man passes and all people can do is concentrate on rumors. I read this line the other day in propaganda-like site, "the rumor next week is…" whatever happened to achieving our goals in unity? Why are people so bent on destruction? Mama last night called me to let me know that she was safe, despite an accident she had been in on her way back from the burial. Sadly, the people on the bike all died, may their souls rest in peace.

This was meant to be a happy blog… and it remains one because in the same weeks that it hurt so badly, it also wasn't that bad. I have found joy in being me and not worrying that I might be judged because that's already happenedJ. Mama made me laugh the other day when she said, "there's nothing that they can do to you that hasn't already been done." I love it when she talks in warrior speak. It gives me hope. I don't like it when she worries for me though, it breaks my heart. The past month alone has been really heavy on me. In fact this last semester, the one that was supposed to be chilled and laid back turned out to be a very emotionally stressful semester. I feel fine now. I am thankful for that.

Sometimes I want to bare my soul to the same people that have watched me from afar, and show them, 'look, we are made of the same thing, we believe the same God, why then do you treat me this way?' Other times I think holding that handful of quiet has brought me a long way. The negative side effects of that have been that I turn bitter and it lashes out at the worst, most unexpected times (not that any time would be right). I would love to talk to those that I have hurt in some way or other but how do I begin when all there is between us is misunderstanding, miscommunication, and maybe resentment?

'Tis a funny thing this life, on the one hand, being swept away in one 'revolution' may seem so right, and on the other, being apart and standing alone seems appealing… how I could merge them and still shine for His glory, I am still learning… that's why I am the pilgrim. I do believe that this walk wasn't for nothing, that the things that happened to get me where I am now are all explainable, except that He doesn't owe me an explanation and I walk along in faith that He has prepared the journey ahead to be a rewarding one according to His will and great love.

I don't know how many people will be able to read this but I feel compelled to say that it serves no purpose to deliberately hurt someone, for many I might seem the number one candidate for deliberate hurt but there are many things that aren't understood about human interaction… writing this thesis on attribution has made me think a whole lot and I commend all the people who fight for equal rights for all, I commend those that remember that we were made in God's image and thus treat each other as brothers and sisters. I am saddened each time I think back to the many good men and women who were fighting the good fight but were taken to be with God, and I shall stay planted on my Rock to carry the banner of love for as long as I live, together with my other warrior brothers and sisters. I am torn between mourning and realizing that they are now back home, that their time came and He called them back home. We should all know better and accept that He who gives also takes and in His own time, not ours.

While it has hurt so badly, it's not so bad. The greatest motivator is that He provides, this too shall pass, and the truth shall be revealed. J.

Thesis: In progress

Studying: stalling
Verses:

"We dwell in Him."-1 John 4:13

"Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and
peace have kissed" Psalm 85:10

"Let not thine heart envy sinners: but be thou in the
fear of the Lord all the day long. For surely there is an end; and thine
expectation shall not be cast off." Proverbs 23:17-18

Quotes that made me tear and smile

"Ask Beti Kamya (Uganda Wildlife Education Centre boss), she knows more about reptiles." - Responding to claims that security agencies were using reptiles to torture suspects.

"My job is to keep secrets not to give them out"- Addressing journalists cajoling him for news. – more here*

"One day we saw an African head of state who was dressed in a pink suit with pink shoes and a huge gold chain, and guess what; Mayombo burst out laughing, saying that this is type of leader Africa has." – Otafiire
Moments to remember

Daddy's call and making me laugh endlessly after telling me that he might not make it to graduation. That's cool though, because he managed to follow it up with something that made me fall into hideous fits of laughter. He said, "So this call was not for love, I have problems with my computer, can you help me?" I LOVE THAT MAN!

The longest truth or truth game I have ever played on msn – thank you *insert name here* for keeping me company and for sharing all that you did J

Uncountable east African dance moves that made me miss home so dearly… meeting people that speak English only, tasting a true samosa just like home, and other potential things (hehehe, can't tell too much at the moment but I promise I will as soon as I am able to).

Coreb laughing at me for more than ten minutes because the metro door closed in on me.

Grateful for:

Love, life, friends, Ace, family, good health, laughter, Tea, African style sandals, Yahoo Music– contemporary Christian station, Peace, Stillness, Light, sharing, beautiful smiles J, new beginnings every morning, hope, determination, faith, truth, patience (still learning), chuckles, memories, births, growth… many many other things I can't remember right now J

Plans for the night:

Finally blog this

Find a working template but that might not be possible since blogger keeps giving me an error message

Watch the results for the French presidential elections

Make study outline for Energy and the Environment class

Edit and site thesis (assuming that I finish typing the rest of it)

Song on repeat: Ring Bell, Ring Bell by Miriam Makeba

2007-05-05T02:53:00.000+01:00

UNDER CONSTRUCTION FOR THE NEXT FEW ...

*Do keep checking in ocassionally, you might find something you like... or not...

:-)

Bless!

Loss?

2007-05-02T00:34:00.001+01:00

Welcome home you!
I know you by name.
I've been waiting for this day.

These are the words I pray that each loved one meets when they depart from this realm.

No amount of confusion, sorrow, or sadness can describe the way I feel right now. A part of me keeps asking why now? Why not another time? How do these things amass to such an opportune descent all at once? I promised myself that I was going to laugh everything off and let it be. Sometimes, it's hard. It's hard to fight the lump in my throat and think to myself, now's not the time. You have to be strong for you and everyone you love, be strong for and through Him that has stood by you all these years. I have to learn to take the blows as they come. I have to learn to take other people's blame because it has managed to weave its way to me anyway. The least I could do is to keep on living. At the very best, my faith will be augmented to heights it has never reached. It seems like every single day is another lesson that nothing of this world matters in the least! Vanity… that's all that it is.

Constant judgments, false pretences claiming knowledge above others, and yet forever stuck on self, everything seems comparable to him, her, them, doubts are turned into absolute truths just to fit the comfy-zone that we've built around ourselves… when will it ever be enough? Whatever happened to a simple heart wanting to learn and live only for God alone? When will that ever be enough? I have come to realize that happiness, peace, and love are found inside of you… Him in you, not He in you and him/her, God comes first. There's a complexity when interaction with other humans occurs (often inevitably) simply because there's always an outer force that tries to cause strife. In any case, I shall continue to believe that love conquers all. I am forever on the road to restarting the trust walk with people everyday… today as I went through some emails and messages, I realized that it's no use even attempting to be upset at half of the things that have been said and or done to me. It is never the heart of that person per se. Forces beyond flesh are at work here and that is a battle I (we all) can only fight through prayer.

In the meantime, as people vex to be recognized, as lies are passed as truth, as hearts are brought to breaking and hurt, as suffering and persecution reign in an ostensibly unforgiving world, there is a sweet escape in which a sweet sweet Spirit invitingly cuddles me away from the cruelty out here. For this I am grateful.

For the exceedingly loved one that left us today, I thank God for his time on earth, for the lives he touched (including mine) and I pray for the courage, strength, and faith of all those he loved to follow through in making our nation a better place. May his soul rest in peace and find solace and perfect peace with our Father in Heaven.

Addendum: My woohoo moment of clarity and praise this morning (5am my time) came from Ecclesiastes 4 & 5. Thank You LORD for these two verses that spoke so clearly to me. I am humbled by Your infinite power and love. All is well with You in my soul. Thank you!

"Better is an handful with quietness, than both the
hands full with travail and vexation of spirit." - {Eccl 4:6}
"Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart
be hasty to utter any thing before God: for God is in heaven, and thou upon
earth: therefore let thy words be few." - {Eccl 5:2}
"If thou seest the oppression of the poor, and
violent perverting of judgment and justice in a province, marvel not at the
matter: for he that is higher than the highest regardeth; and there be higher
than they." - {Eccl 5:8}

Bless!

Irreplaceable

2007-04-27T19:54:00.000+01:00

So, I am on a study break, more like a thesis, stop to find my sanity break, and I am listening to Irreplaceable by Beyonce. That in itself is funny. But I thought I ought to drop in and let the whole world know that I love all my 'to-the-left, to-the-left" dance partners.

I miss my little brothers: Sunshine for his sweet ways, and his cute smile that hasn't changed a bit in all these years. Joie de Vivre for all the donuts he made me buy when I was at home, but also for his tough love. Fidel for his all round happiness! There's always laughter with him around. Kazeyi for his newly learnt dance move (calypso - kinya-uganda style) and the thought of him seriously contemplating vocational school.

I miss my sisters: Chichi for all the dates we made and she bounced on because she never made use of her phone, for the serena outings and that drink concoction that had me sick for days! I miss Choncho for her forever funny stories, her insisting that we go out... and the petty fights we had. Ubla for just being ubla! My main girl, that let me drive her ka bucket everywhere I went. Chambondo for her accent whenever she had her guests over, her HUGE appetite! My Haireti, the one that insisted I take garlic when I somehow acquired the cold she'd been harboring for about a week.

I miss daddy: I just want to look at him one more time and burst out into fits of laughter just because nothing else makes me as happy as being close to him.

I miss mama: I want to eat a good meal, talk about everything under the sun, and laugh so hard we can't get to the car, needing to take breaks on the short walk. I want to wake up to her staring right at me, fully dressed and smiling, but also freaking the life out of me because her face is so close to mine.

I miss my babies: oh man, it's heartbreaking to even go into these sweet ones... I really really miss my babies and I can't wait to hug each one of them again, to hear their often wise words as they tell their auntie Esteri all that's been going on in their lives since the last time we saw each other.

Alright... enough nostalgia... back to thesis. In the meantime, Chichi, carry the news back to the concerned: you all are IRREPLACEABLE!!! and there shall be no "to-the left X2" except in a dance routine.

Bless!

Life!

2007-04-20T00:33:00.001+01:00

Worries! They are constantly around us. They are the unexpected birth of a child. One that we hadn't planned for but always turns out to be a blessing. In every situation of worry, pain, hardship, or tribulation, there is a lesson to be learned. My way might not be the best to deal with any of these things but it's not a constant way either. I have learnt that in wallowing I lose myself, in thinking, I submerge me into rivers of endless failures simply because I never stopped to be still. Negligence only causes myriads of illnesses of that same formerly unwanted but possibly blessing infant. It is in believing in the Him that we do not see and trusting in the grace that He gives that brings peace. Even if it is for a little time (because we are all human and we do lose that place now and again) we see the blessing that is life in Him. My problems are not bigger than me, my future is not mine to see, and my past has never been anyone's to judge. There is hope here, there is faith here, and there is the will to grow in Him. That thought alone, has kept me going and Lord knows it's taken me a long time to see even the slightest glimpse of light but He has been patient with me, and He will love me always. Yes I always feel like a 1 on a scale of 10 when put against a board of my brethren and sistren but that's not the way it ought to be. This relationship begins and ends with Him in me.

It doesn't matter how much I attempt to shine my human self to others, it won't make them like me more. Even if they did, it'd only be temporary. Those that truly know Him (even without their own knowledge) will show me the same love He has put in my heart. There is no effort in friendship, no anger or nastiness. There is genuine care and affection, never doubting but forever understanding, lovingly correcting, and even when times are rough, there is harmony in the awareness that all things are done for the betterment of the other. When these things are achieved, nothing and no one can separate the bond that has been made. And today, I am thankful for all those that have blessed me beyond words, that have called to check on me even when I spent months without contacting them. Those that have pursued me to remind me that Jesus does love me, the ones that have put behind them my flaws and chosen to see good in me. And I am especially grateful for those that have seen the flaws, and shared with me how I can change them, that have not been afraid to tell me that I need to reconsider the path I was on. I thank God for putting people like these in my life so that I can realize just how powerful He is. And most of all, so that I can remember, through my own mistakes, my own trials, my own iniquity that we are ALL His children and we must always do unto others as we'd have them do unto us.

I am cutting my hair some time real soon and I am looking forward to this great event! I love changing up my hairstyle and one day, I pray for the patience to be able to grow my hair out completely, and natural. I am taking the big step slowly but I think I am ready for it.

School is coming to a close (last day of classes is the 30^th) and then it's exam time. It is rather stressful considering that I need to graduate. I say I need to but then again there is no rush. It's just not a grand feeling to be asking for more tuition money for a semester of taking just one class after all these years have been paid for. But God is forever in control and it is for that reason alone that I am confident.

The Virginia Tech shooting was horrid. I watched the video left by the killer this morning and it left me dumbfounded. I understand that there is a lot of anger going around and the 'natural' human way to deal with tragedies such as these is to find someone/something to blame. I am not going for the anger- call him crazy- critic US weapon ownership laws road. I am only praying for the families of the victims, the family of the killer, and the souls of all who died. In situations such as these, there is only one to look to.

The riots back home are getting out of control. The media, like in the above scenario are spinning things to the favor of evil feelings of hatred and separation. And yet, I pray still for the people who lead our beautiful nation to be touched by His wisdom and act and govern accordingly.

For most, and I thought about this a lot, mine seems like a laissez-faire attitude but I learnt something in the summer of '05. No amount of anger will be able to change things. Only remorse and hatred spring from anger. Prayer is a much stronger weapon than atomic bombs and biological weaponry. Faith that all my prayers are heard beats any UN resolution to be passed or vetoed. I believe and He answers, not always in the ways I expect Him to, but He shows me always. And I believe Him for the salvation of His children.

Bless!

Recap: my life seems to be…

2007-04-16T19:17:00.001+01:00

It is spring and I definitely don't have to announce that to anyone who has terrible allergies like me. I thought I would escape the itching, the burning, the sniffling, the constant congestion but I thought too quickly, I underestimated the amount of nasty aggressive pollen that could stir up all the histamines in my body to react slowly but surely against me! LOL, maybe I am exaggerating but still… allergies aren't the most comfortable thing to deal with.

It's been a long while since I've posted on here but that doesn't mean that the pilgrim has been stagnant. In fact, the reason for not posting as often is that so much has been happening.

Easter was wonderful, filled with food, and where there is food, there is general happiness on my part.

I successfully presented my thesis to the class and got wonderful feedback from my peers and the professor. That's one hurdle down, and the next level is to turn in the actual thesis sometime early May.

I have been freaking out A LOT about finishing school, what plans I should be making, things that I should be doing but haven't started on and it's not a good state to be in. P thinks we might be in our 'quarter life crisis' phase but I refuse to be labeled no matter how much evidence anyone's got!

The love life is quite sluggish. I am nearly completely (as you can tell from the use of the two preceding words show clearly that I am struggling with the 'let-him-go' concept) letting go of the 'crush' ideal because clearly, one of us is playing games and it's not me so…

In light of the above, I allowed myself to be open to meeting new people and so on Saturday I had a date and I remembered exactly why I say no to most men when asked out on a date. The fact that I say yes doesn't mean that I am head over heels for you, especially if we have known each other for a while. If I say yes, I am accepting a meal, a great conversation, and good vibes all around. I definitely expect a copious amount of laughter and feel free to throw in a few compliments but remember that saying you like my smile, dimples, and eyes every four minutes won't cut it. The sad thing about this 'date' was that we had such a great time at the beginning and we found out that our lives were very similar and then near the end, he started getting tipsy and antsy because he wanted to go to a party later and I said no thank you, I shall be staying home. Now, had this been a great date, he'd have stayed, we'd have watched a movie or something and then he would have mentioned how late it was getting and that he should be off. Like a perfect gentleman. NO! Not this one. He had to be seen at this party so in a matter of minutes he had his friend come pick him up and off he went. At 5am, he had the nerve to text me, thanking me for the great night he'd spent with me. What night?? Am I being unreasonable? Never mind, don't answer that, I am not into him like that anyway.

On Sunday, Kiki and Momo dropped by and we spent almost six hours watching one Indian movie. Yes chers amies, when you have three giggly girls watching a movie, moving back and forth from the kitchen to make more juice, grab a sweet snack, take a bathroom break… the result is about an hour of pausing, another hour of rewinding to catch what was missed when the laughing got out of control or one of us started an infectious wave of song or dance, and one last hour for phone calls or miraculously similar stories that had to be told before they were forgotten. Add that to the 3 hours of the actual movie and you've got yourself six hours of foolishness. I made a chicken salad with lots of other things in there so it almost has no right to be called a chicken salad but it was good and that's what counts.

Oh, before I forget, for anyone that loves the show, Keeping Up Appearances, click here and you'll find a few good episodes. I've been watching these all week and there are a few lessons to learn and what better way than to learn while laughing? J

Bless!

To Love and Be Loved*

2007-04-10T18:00:00.000+01:00

* Arundhati Roy, author of 'The God of Small Things' ... sums up perfectly where I want to be right now, and that's exactly where I am striving to go back to.

Bless!

To Whom It May Concern II

2007-04-03T04:57:00.001+01:00

Wake me up with a surprise phone call just to say you couldn't wait to hear my voice, that I needed to be the first person you heard when I opened my eyes. Tell me tenderly that I am as beautiful as the morning sun and that you're heart dances fervently each time you think of me. Remind me of how feverishly enticing our love is. Wake me up and tell me you love me, whisper in my ear unexpectedly that I take you back to the sweet whiff of passion fruit on a warm African day, that my freshness is comparable only to that feeling you get from quenching a desiccated thirst. Wake me up before I leave this state… this unnatural anticipation, doubtful depression, blissful disaster… this state… I can't stay here too long, no! I can't allow it.

I wither away buried in unbearable thoughts of doubt, looming despair hangs over every thought attached to you. I cannot bare this anguish anymore; I keep telling myself that I am a bigger, better woman than this. I can't point my finger at what exactly makes you my right now, except I know exactly why, it's beyond words, my soul has found its place in you. And yet – you twirl and turn and twist and toss my love around. You act like I don't mean a thing, nothing, not even a friend you'd think to ask, 'is everything okay?' And yet - I cling onto a false hope, myriads of crashed episodes leading to absolute depression over issues I once counseled my own friends about. Move on, know when you are not wanted but oh how much easier said than done these things are.

You see, I need someone that will wake me up and douse my eyes with sweet lavender, bath me in rose water, adore my soul, see Him in me. I need someone that will send me a little hand written note from across the seas just to remind me that there's no one else like me, making my eyes squint to decipher the scribble, as my heart does inward acrobatic flips that are only possible if I were a nine year old gymnast.

The man I dream about speaks to me in foreign languages that have no words, never uttering a sound but showing me all the love he feels inside, wriggling and rushing to get out and cover my entire being. You are none of these things; you don't see the emanating glow of my beauty, the radiance of my smile, nor the graciousness of this soul.

What it could be. You've become a would-be, passing decadence. Not my sweet smelling cinnamon perfume, staying long after the wind has blown past. You are none of these things so I try to think with my head and walk away. I can't stay here too long, no! I won't allow it.

To Whom It May Concern I

2007-04-02T02:06:00.001+01:00

I have a huge red blob of pink skin showing at the bottom of my chin because I picked at a zit and now I am stuck looking like a not so attractive, self destructive, face prone criminal zit picker. That is the least of my worries right now though because I have far more important things to smile about. A friend of mine forwarded me a link to an article that was printed in one of the less popular Ugandan newspapers (perhaps because they actually do what they are supposed to – report real matters) back in October 2005 and it brought fresh feelings of love and admiration. I cannot begin to describe the feeling I get when I read about someone I know well, interviews are often the best ways to get me to feel this way. It's the knowledge of what the person is really saying that any regular reader may pass over. It's the humor in things taken too seriously; it's the life of the story. I read this particular piece as if it were for the first time. I know I talk about him a lot but this is my blog right? I do what I want and he is a person I shall never cease to admire. There is one thing he said that I found extremely true. Heroic people also have heroic flaws. Pause and think about it. I did. Thinking about all the people I've admired historically speaking, and in my present time, I have found it to be true that the great deeds are usually bogged down by the 'flaws' of many great men and women. It is typical for humanity to revel in one's misgivings rather than their contributions to society however small the assertion may be. People forget too soon that their very lives have changed remarkably because of a few good men's sacrifices. There are so many simple things in a person's life that are taken out of proportion or downplayed to a level of inadequacy that the said person in the end begins to feel alienated and different when really, they are the braver ones of the whole because they decided to follow the route less travelled and be 'their own man' so to speak. Many times I have wondered where such strong virtues come from, from which soils such determination and realness stem from. I have been left with the answer that time will reveal all things in due course. His life definitely wasn't easy and some may say that he's got it good right now, they may say a whole load of useless garbage but does it really matter? In the end, he is going to go out knowing that he tried his very best to live an honest and giving life. See why I want to be just like him yet? No? I'll share some more…

I remember, a couple of years ago, mama and I were perched on the comfy leather chairs in our living room listening to Capital FMs desert Island disc on a Sunday Night. We usually enjoyed this show and until that moment, I had liked the presenter's voice. It was then that mama said something to me that the presenter had said on a morning show not long before. He had called the one man I love with my all, a useless, stupid, corrupt something or other, I didn't care to listen to the exact words but I was heated enough to start a short letter to Mr. Know It All Kwarko. I eloquently jotted down my disdain for his meaningless banter and assured him that the family was a large one and would in fact grow up to be a lot like the useless man he'd just insulted and that he better be prepared for it because we (the large family) were working on our best 'we are our father's children' from here on out. Needless to say, mother dearest laughed off the well thought out letter and said something to the effect of, 'how many of these are you going to write? It's his problem not yours so carry on living.' And she couldn't have been more correct. I did not send the letter to Mr. Kwarko, I quickly tuned out of mindset: destruction; that was determined to a)dislike any of his next shows, and b)I shut the little voice up that said, 'he's Ghanaian, what does he know about Uganda and it's people?'
I can't say I've listened to much radio since (because I don't have that luxury being away from home and all) but like many things, we learn to tune out the hindrances of life. Reading daddy always gives me that feeling… nothing else can make me feel the same way, I could laugh, cry, and yell at the little piece of paper on which his words are printed – all at the same time! I feel blessed every single day for having him in my life.

And then there are the ones that think they are clever, attacking a woman of great strength and virtue from her seemingly weak side. What they don't know is that nothing could ever separate her from the love which God has showered upon her. Her middle name is Ahimbisibwe and that is what she does from the rising of the sun to its fall. She praises her LORD with all her might and concerns herself with the duties of a wife and mother. She provides for and protects her children and husband and would never let harm come within a yard of anything they hold dear. Daddy very recently told me that she works through her issues with laughter. It is like a remedy for all things bad, doused in a loving heart, marinated richly with faith, and served with a peace of humility. I can testify to this truth about her. Not once have I seen her breakdown because someone else tried to bring her down with them. Her ability to hold her own while comforting others is amazing. Yet again, I am working on my best 'I am my mother's daughter' so world, prepare yourself for another colloquially praising, constantly laughing, responsible, and loving, crazy (in her own right) woman.

This April fool's day, I sent her a message telling her that my apartment had been burglarized and despite the hopeless effort to sound convincing, she fell for it. Her reaction was calm and very collected. She asked me if they'd touched me or done anything to me (I later found out that her biggest worry was that I'd been raped), and then she told me to call the police and call her back later. I was so dumbfounded with the sweetness of her reaction that I felt bad about playing the prank on her in the first place. Of course she breathed a long relieved sigh when she found out it was just a joke but that moment in itself taught me something. When I asked her how she could be so calm, she replied, "I had to be [calm] for you!" Much later, she sent me a text message saying I was indeed a mad woman (muraru in her wise Runyankore/Luganda spelling), as she'd always suspected. And that is what a mother is in my mind, one that will show you the ropes of the 'trade' through their actions and wisdom, their strength, and perseverance.

So Mr/Mrs/Ms whomever it may concern, if you think that real happy mother/child relationships do not exist, I say to you, come and spend only an hour with mama and I and you will live a memorable experience of all things funny, childlike, loving, gentle, and peaceful. For the ones that maintain that the people who brought me into this world are dysfunctional, that our heritage is tied to evil, I say to you, go find another hobby because this is not a war you want to delve into. How can you, an outsider begin to concern yourself with that which God has first loved? Better yet, let's make it simple for you, read This Book and you'll see at the end there that WE WIN! It makes me laugh out loud sometimes to think that the most banal things pass as truth and yet people lecture all around the world that they seek only truth when really, they are unable to humble themselves enough to love The Truth. For those whose tongues have a tendency to flicker in the worst manner, spreading lies to no end, I remind you, that people have always talked, and what we are all doing now has already been done, our end remains the same and the best thing to do would be to secure your end because I know mine and my family's. And how can I forget the ones that sum up the whole category, those that are NOT concerned (and shouldn't be in any manner), I assure you, My Yeshua Shalom has me in mind, He loves those that I love, and He loves you too, so no worries, a bigger Entity has this in control so why not spend some more time getting to know Him rather than wasting your life away?

Bless!

...

2007-04-01T04:37:00.000+01:00

Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the
wicked, when it cometh. For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy
foot from being taken. (Proverbs 3;25-26)

When God is abroad in judgments, He would not have His people alarmed. He has not come forth to harm but to defend the righteous.He would have them manifest courage. We who enjoy the presence of God ought to display presence of mind. Since the Lord Himself may suddenly come, we ought not to be surprised at anything sudden. Serenity under the rush and roar of unexpected evils is a precious gift of divine love.The Lord would have His chosen display discrimination so that they may see that the desolation of the wicked is not a real calamity to the universe. Sin alone is evil; the punishment which follows thereupon is as a preserving salt to keep society from putrefying. We should be far more shocked at the sin which deserves hell than at the hell which comes out of sin.So, too, should the Lord's people exhibit great quietness of spirit. Satan and his serpent seed are full of all subtlety; but those who walk with God shall not be taken in their deceitful snares. Go on, believer in Jesus, and let the Lord be thy confidence.

Yeshua,

I know someone somewhere needed to read this as much as I needed to, so I pray that that person's soul is touched and put at peace, for only You can bring that peace that surpasses all understanding, the One that provides for all our needs according to his riches in glory (Phil 4:19), and never leaves us in want, and our ever present Protector from all things evil. I thank You for Your presence in my heart, mind and soul.

Amen

Bless!

Commercial Break

2007-03-29T00:07:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

I just wrote a long blog to You but it looks like IE 7 is pms-ing or something, I know You heard/read the previous blog that never made it so I'll just go ahead and post those photoshop pictures I played around with today.

***NOTE to readers: these were all made by me. Camera, photo, belt, body, etc from me, and supplementary brushes from various artists at photoshopsupport.com please respect the images and do not redistribute them for any purposes. Thank you.

*******

MY COUP DE COEUR ON NOUVELLE STAR MADE IT!!! Look at this smile, listen to this voice and tell me he is not just edible! OK, maybe not edible but you know, a lovely creation of none other than Our LORD in Heaven.

And that's it from me today... Keep holding my hand through the trials I continue to go through. Thank You!

Bless!

… To be Free

2007-03-27T00:56:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,

Your might amazes me. One day is like a seesaw balancing on the edge of dread and the next day lifts me up to heights unknown. I love that You are able to make me see these things. Take heart and the courage you seek shall be revealed. I read something that made my day today. As I opened an email in one of my ancient accounts, I read, "If you're offended, there is only one answer: get over it." That little statement in itself might offend but I found great healing in reading it. There is absolutely no use in wallowing over something that's already happened, or going back to the point where such and such could have changed if only you'd done a, b, c, d. I am over IT… and so much more. Thank You for always looking out for me and for reminding me that I am worth so much in Your kingdom.

Lately I have been feeling like I am in school for no reason… all these opportune hobbies have come my way and I seriously think I could make quite a good living off of designing templates, t-shirts, logos and stuff of that sort. Maybe I can fit it into my soon to be psychologist career as I said to Pea earlier, it's not impossible so we will see how that goes but first things first, I need to be done with undergrad.

Yesterday I started a poem which i finished today... and the end results amazed me, only because of the whole seesaw effect and God's obvious wonders! here it is... you might have to click on the photo to enlarge and read it, haven't tried it but hoping it works anyhow. :-) If it doesn't then there's a larger one right here (image credit must be given to an artist from deviantart.com, photoshop brushes from obsidiandawn.com and tweaking and poetry by yours truly)

My motivation today

to dream,
to love,
to care,
harbor affectionate thoughts for all,
live for my King,
smile when I'm happy, smile when I'm sad, smile when everyone says it will never work out and ,
Shine for His glory!

My lessons today,

Strife is only for a while,
Even if you are misunderstood, there is One that knows exactly what you are feeling and precisely how He is going to get you out of it,
This too shall pass… all things do eventually,
Never carry yourself in high esteem for all you have done has been done before and all is vanity,
Humility is one of the greatest things to possess,
answers are revealed in time,
Patience and faith are essential.

All that in one day!

My LORD is GOOD!

Bless!

*** Opps! guess the poem up there isn't really legible, just checked the link out and it's not working too well... oh well... at least it's a somewhat pleasant visual :-)

My Dream is…

2007-03-26T02:18:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,

Sometimes I feel lowly, down and out, like nothing could pick me up from the deep dark hole I have made for myself. Sometimes I feel like the people I have closest to me in this city do not hear a word I say. I have had many moments like this over the last few years and I refuse to believe that they are permanent fixtures in my life. These feelings of loneliness and misunderstanding shall pass, as all other hard times have. The only difficult thing about being where I am now is not fastening close enough to You so that I can keep my eyes on the big prize, but then again, I could change that by spending more time with You rather than sitting in Cafes for hours on end people-watching. It is easier said than done and I have noticed that the biggest problem nowadays is the label that persons put on themselves. It has become a common trend for people to flaunt their outward lifestyles and yet in the end, only you know what is in our hearts. I am thankful for mama's courage in bringing us up differently. I always believed (and still strongly believe although it's gotten harder with these clouding judgments) that Your place in my heart and soul is sacred and should never be altered or tarnished by another human being. Only You have the power to change the things that are happening in my life and when that time is near, I will know without a doubt that it is time for that change, no matter how hard it will be, I will still know that something has to be done to move forward.

Small but significant reasons to smile today

Surprise call of the day from my sweet and loving Titi. I was so excited hear from him! I really missed dissing him and getting a good laugh out of it.
Funny Mama story of the day : she was sulking and complaining because Choncho would not change the channel to cartoon network so she could watch Dexter's Laboratory (every person alive should hear mama actually say that word, it's hilarious!). Choncho insisted on watching Home and Away, her reasoning being, "Maybe I'll spot El somewhere in the background since it's an Australian show" Please note that our dearest brother El only moved to Melbourne about a month and a half ago!
Sad and possibly stupid presidential decision of the moment would be the selling of Mabira forest to investors so that they can destroy the forest and plant sugarcane. I am willing to give up my sugar… I don't know if other Ugandans are, but we might not have to go that far, sign this petition and hope for a change in this issue.

Bless!

Blooming Orchid

2007-03-24T01:21:00.001+01:00

And blessed [is] she that believed: for there shall be a
performance of those things which were told her from the Lord. Luke 1:45

Yeshua,

I never saw Spring before I travelled but I lived it. Where I come from, there is just one long season of wet and dry. There is no snow, no falling leaves in autumn, no transition to spring us from winter into summer. Where I come from, it is one long summer with the relief of rains and cool breezes in the night time. I did not know Spring before I travelled, but my life has known all the seasons and I rejoice in the Spring. This year, I learn, on yet another stratum, the elation that is brought with change. It is a difficult period where transitions must be willingly accepted, with an open mind and a grateful soul. This spring, I am thankful for peace, faith, and a blissful amnesia of all sinful things passed; I have You to thank for all this. Let the new flower bloom and spring forth, glowing with a beauty and radiance that is this delicate, rare, orchid's destiny, for this blossom that I am is the making of You. Though growing pains are just that, painful, there are lessons learned and stems to hold us up, I call those stems Your angels right here on earth. The pains are kicking in now that it is spring and thinking that I just got over winter doesn't mean they're about to cease.

I shan't say that I won't cry anymore because I know I will. I won't count on the fact that my voice will always be heard because it won't, not even in times of grave importance. I won't expect it to be a breeze because there is always a storm lurking around these beautiful petals looking to set in and trample them. I won't expect more than I need because I am doing just fine with just You in my life. I won't share the intricate details of my past to the wind because it only serves to carry my business miles and miles away to foreign lands, whispering lies about me to other beautiful flowers; they end up corrupted with hate, a sin they do not recognize yet. I shan't fear change for You promise to be my constant in this life and the one that follows.

In times of insecurity, the elements will shift and shake me, tear and rip me apart but my roots shall remain planted in You and every spring, I will force my way through the earth, show everyone the wonders and power of the one I call my Lover and Friend. This Spring, I am Yours to mold, what better time than the time of clean ups and transitions?

I am blessed!

Dancing again...

Bless!

What is going on? REALLY!

2007-03-21T23:23:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

I just want to thank You for lifting me up when everything within me told me it's the end. For nurturing me when my body rejected the food You gave to keep me up, for the grace You've shown over the years and for the persistence and assurance that my soul is indeed Yours and no one else's. I love You and I always will. Thank You.

*******

Questions

When did the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army) become the LRA/M? It's crazy enough that they all strongly believe that they are freedom fighters when they are going around maiming and killing their own people, now they think it's okay to go ahead and remix their name? I am behind that one American Psychologist that said Kony might very well be a Schizophrenic with paranoid tendencies.

Follow up to above, what in God's wonderful creation does the 'M' stand for, Murderers?

Who do they think they are demanding all these alterations to the ongoing peace talks?

Why hasn't the great and mighty America (and other 'super' powers) come with their all incredibly powerful military equipment and wiped Kony and his forces into another planet (preferably where aliens do exist so they can teach them a thing or two about abductions and all that madness we watch on TV nowadays)?

Why did it suddenly get oh so cold? There was a hail-storm yesterday and today, spring just started for crying out loud! Get this, my 'intelligent' butt has not gone out to get myself a new umbrella since I left mine in my ex-favorite African restaurant a couple of months ago.

Did Forest Whittaker really deserve that Oscar? I finally watched The Last King of Scotland and I thought it was a disaster! The swahili he spoke was incomprehensible even to me, a very very poor swahili speaker. It was filled with scenes that were so unlike our beautiful people, even at that time. There were scenes that appalled me completely.. if anything, I think the guy that played the doctor should have at least been up for a nomination in place of Whittaker.

*******

Observations & Thangs

My cross cultural Psychology professor doesn't like me. I am sure of it. I had my hand up for almost two minutes and she didn't even glance my way. She continued to talk about whatever nonsense they were on about (because our class isn't really a place to learn, it is a debate on what countries have civilized or non civilized cultures) It drives me mad!! I am the only African/black person in there and some of the things I've heard have made my blood boil ... I can't even say anything because the last two times I tried, my voice was all crackly, I almost cried because I was so upset!

I am in love with this man's mind... One day I hope to be as generous, and giving, and optimistic as he is.

Bless!

SMS for people whose native tongue is NOT English

2007-03-20T23:19:00.000+01:00

**WARNING!**What you are about to read is not made up. I have compiled a few text messages that I have received over the semester that have made my day on many days and others that have baffled me completely, taking hours to decipher because of the twisted 'English' in which they claim to be written. I've had plenty of good laughs over these and no one does it better than the people in my life! Enjoy!

i rook alound,even to the reft to the reft but no messages from
u,...anyway,back to the pen twister,i was sayin harro and i rove u,... READ
REMEMBER RELAX REPLY - Muguli

*"Remember me Lord, when you help your people, include me when you save them.
Let me see the prosperity of your people and share in the happiness of your
nation, in the glad pride of those who belong to you. Psalm 106:4-5" - Mama

* "The Lord has not forgotten you. He who counts that stars will not forget His
children. It is as if you were the only creature He ever fashioned, or the only
saint He ever loved! Have a nice Sunday." - Mama

"Ghetto-ly dressed! See ya later. Bisou" - Momo

"Enjoy my dericious cabbage pie and shweet lindazi" - Muguli

LAISSE MOI T'AIMEEEER!! - Kiki

"Mamennigganiggasheemen, even i sended u aerogram from ze
internet andi u don't reply (shoulders moving up n down)" - Muguli

"Hi! I hope your exams were soft and you do your best" - Theo

"How are you mama kayayi?" - Mama

"Gwe muwala wa muraru (mulalu - mad one) what is my e-mail?" - Mama

"Hi tek to that lebiyah deplomat if this huntry is so bad yhay he want to bay my huohs after chogam. let him go back to his" - Mr. Ali

"Wewe muginga? Kiswahili yako nikama yakuku!" - Mama

"Harro harro my mil gourd, i biz de one de sender n u biz de receiver, nont so mamen? terr me when uwa richi" - Muguli

"Hi hop u are fin last nit i fil as ef all my family kem from iran thnks so much
4 coming. i try to cal nirobi the celtel nombr not going turu. i wil try agin
also u dont go on tusday becus of ashora day wil not open. plesent wikend." - Mrs Ali

"Hi deyr yesterday ur mam seprisd me finaly she has com we had a very nic tim we misd u hopfoly amir is geting betr wit al ur mams help she is an engel his pasport has not com yet i let u no wen he is going al so i giv u his no in NZ luv" - Amir's mam

"I've fallen off a bike. The idiot was drunk but I'm not hurt. I have sozad
him!" - Sister J

Sasa Mon E, seems uve sold ur simcards coz umenyamaza sana. wat did i do? am sorry i didnt sign 4 sadam's hangin - Mpenzi

* Exceptions to the title and form of this blog but so beautiful that I had to share.

Bless!

Thief in the Night

2007-03-18T23:04:00.001+01:00

I've had the pleasure of knowing the most beautiful, strongest, most virtuous women in the world. I believe this is the point where anyone reading this is thinking, 'who told her that's true?'. You see, for me, the people that I know are incomparable to any others around the world. I have always believed that people are inherently good, that their lives and how they're led are an indication of the purity of their souls. The love that springs forth from each one of these women I am about to talk about poured out from a never drying fountain of all things good. I once knew these women and they left a marked print on my own heart.

Auntie B was a woman that was already a part of my life when I came into this world. My first memories have her in them. She was in fact one of mama's two bridesmaids. She was young, hip, and fun (when she wasn't yelling at me and El for stealing raisins and sodas out of the pantry). She was a bundle of joy that enveloped the family in the hardest times and her hard work seemed to seethe through to everyone. She made me want to keep my dresses clean, to lay my bed, and be a good little girl. She lived with us for a while together with her son and my dearly loved cousin, El. I never asked questions because to me, El was my brother, and although we didn't share the same mother, it didn't matter that they didn't live in their own house like the other members of our extended family. It was more fun for us anyway and more people in the house so it was like an added bonus to being young and loved.

My memory isn't the best and it annoys me sometimes because there are some memories that I would love to hold onto forever but the story that followed, although blurry, remains imprinted in my mind and it's façade changed over the years as I grew older and understood more. Auntie B was my maternal uncle's first 'wife', they had El and then things went downhill for them so they separated. I remember that El stayed with us longer than Auntie B did and I think that was on insistence from mama because it made more sense for him to be around other kids. I don't know what happened between that time and the time of her unfortunate death but I believe I've come up with a pretty good guess.

She loved my uncle and wanted to be with him but it never turned out that way so she lost hope and planted herself in series of risky and hurtful episodes and in the process, caught something that would take her away from her El, from her family, from me. By the time she was really ill, El and I were only little children. We must have been ten and eleven respectively; I don't think we were older than that. I remember vividly El saying to me " I think my mummy has that disease that's killing everyone these days," as we sat on top of the water tank behind my Auntie M's house that had become or favorite place to hang out since we were spending more time over there visiting auntie B. In the evening of her life, she had chosen to live alone in a small rented home near my auntie M's house. I didn't know why then but I suspect that her pride and her love for El would not allow her to come back and stay with us because she was in a bad state.

When El said that to me on top of the high water tank, tears welled up in my eyes and I choked as I tried to assure him, "it can't be that disease, your mum has always been slim, I think it's just a really bad cough, mama said she has an ulcer." I repeated mechanically, really trying to be the wiser older sister. I was unconvincing even to myself! That day, the usual discussions about being superwoman and flying down from the tank did not take place. It was quiet and eerie like something bad and ugly hung over us. No more words were said so we got down and went to see Auntie B.

I don't remember much of the conversation that ensued but we had come back to our usual childish selves because as Auntie B got up to close the window, she felt faint and while her frail, skeleton-like body tried to reach for the window seal to hold onto it, she fell. Her dungaree wearing body looked like a little hungry child's on the cold concrete floor. We laughed. I think we laughed because we thought she was just trying to make us laugh like she'd always done. I think El and I both carry that memory that way. It's so much easier to think of it as our lovely friend dropping to the floor to make us fall into fits of laughter than to think of the whole occurrence as the revered auntie, loved mother, respected friend who cared to ask us what we really wanted for dinner, fall to the floor because she couldn't hold herself up anymore.

That is the last memory I have of auntie B. Her falling and me laughing. It's taken a while to understand the trend that befell some of the most beautiful women I knew but I think it's time to talk about it. They all had one thing in common, the disease that came to steal men, women, and children alike, with no discrimination, or preference. It became real to me at an early age and it stole from me my loved ones. I don't think people realize just how real AIDS is until it hits close to home. Here's my chance at talking about it…

El is now a grown young man who is pursuing his degree in Business with a minor in Information Technology. We no longer have our water tank days but he's been closer to me than a brother and Lord knows he's been through a lot in this life but I admire him for holding strong and not losing his ground, for believing and working for what he knows to be right and for taking responsibility for issues no child should ever be asked to take responsibility for. But then it rings true for all the little boys and girls roaming the the entire world. They say we grew up too fast but have we ever stopped to digest the fact that the reason for all that knowledge and revelation was to make us better able to cope with the greater evils and dangers that are surely ready to slap us in the face?

...To be continued...

Postscript: this is a series of many entries that I shall call AAA (Act Against AIDS) in contribution to my support of this cause. None of these stories require your sympathy or pity, I am only sharing them in hopes to teach someone something they might not have known before about AIDS.

Have a good week!

Bless!

Gifts & Hope

2007-03-17T00:39:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

This article made me sad. I really do hope that five year old has family that will take care of her and nurture her into a healthy and sane growth. I am confident that her name alone was a gift from you Yeshua and that she will be as much a gift to the lives she walks into. Bless her Father.

This poem made me feel better. It is always good to know that there are men out there that value and respect women like they should, like You made them to.

Yours Still

Bless!

"I'm praying for patience - NOW!!!!" - Observations

2007-03-16T02:46:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

Watched: Music & Lyrics: Had a good laugh!
Dined at: 404 (Moroccan restaurant with THE best service and couscous in Paris) had some great down from the belly laughs with Nija, Kiki, Momo, Martin, and Clo.
Grateful for: My corner of Peace, my Shalom.

I realized today, in the most random place that I am not as patient as I have always thought myself to be. I won't go into the details of it all but it just hit me that there are several things I ought to be seeking Your help on. Number one on the list is patience, followed by humility, and then the others flood in an unsorted fashion. Here's what I've got so far...

Patience because I am unable to even sit still long enough for one window to load so I often find myself reading through some other window as the first loads. I used to think of this as efficiency but I have since learnt that I tend to fill the space that is my mind with as many things as possible so that I can cover up the real issues that need to be dealt with.

Humility because I have found myself feeling entitled to certain things lately and it's not the case at all. What makes me think that things should be readily available to me? Why do I get upset when a friend cancels on plans we'd made earlier? Am I entitled to everything and anything I desire? What makes me think I am? I need to be humble... to place all other people before my own desires, to treat them as a higher person than myself and to seep of humility even in the most provocative situations.

Will Power because I have since let the fervent hope I once nurtured fade into something almost unfamiliar to me. I could make so many things work in my advantage and yet I sit back and let them pass or pile up to greater issues that make me hyper-ventilate just by thinking about them. I haven't lost the hope completely but the power needed for the action often escapes me and I find myself hopeless.

Observations

I used to love my solitude but it now lurks around with unpleasant thoughts like an ever present threat. Loneliness has been more real to me than ever before and the idea of stepping out into a cruel world is nothing short of frightening.

It is true that certain expected personality roles change with the given situation but not enough people know this so for me, fitting myself for my present situation is often taken as a front to be someone I am not. Who coined the term personality and better yet, who said it was a constant? Life is about change and growth, whether it be a forward movement or a stunted stagnant crawl, it is still motion towards something other than what you've already known.

Faith and You Yeshua are the only things that really keep me going. No matter what people say or do, there is always one thing that remains my refuge and the faith that I have You being so real despite the fact that I've never seen or physically felt it, moves me to higher levels of praise each time I think of You. Even though the world around me continues to throw rocks at me, my peace lies in You, my Friend, my Father, my Saviour.

Yours still

Bless!

Stomach Flu & Stuff

2007-03-15T03:43:00.000+01:00

Yeshua...

I really do need to start sleeping more often and on time. Help me please? This whole template thing is addictive and annoying at time but I've found so much interesting art it's incredible. With every piece I find, I ask myself whether I am in the right field of study.

I got a B+ on my senior seminar midterm. That was a super shocker because I left the room feeling really bad about it for some reason. I am thankful for that.

Dalia's dad had a heart attack on Monday and was in critical condition the last time we got any news... heal him Father! And take Dalia into Your hands because after all You are the ruler of the nations and nothing and no one can separate us from Your love. I am confident that she and her father are in good hands.

I got sick and threw up after dinner tonight. I think Impala Lounge is going to be a one star restaurant in my notes. So far, Nija, Momo, and I have gotten sick from the poulet yassa (west African chicken dish with an onion and lemon sauce) and the drinks NEVER have enough ice! No, I am not complaining too much... you try drinking luke warm mango juice and you'll see that there's cause for complaint! We did see a famous person at Impala tonight. Her name is Amel Bent and she won Nouvelle Star (French Pop Idols) a few years ago. This little celeb sighting does not up the points for the restaurant though... I hate throwing up! It gives the worst feeling I think... like one's about to have all their organs come out. Oh well, I am better now and next time I'll maybe try something else. LOL. We both know I'll keep going back for the plantain though. {let's disregard the fact that I eat way too fast for my own good}

I watched Freedom Writer's earlier tonight (technically yesterday) and it was good. It made me cry and question but I'll maybe write about that another time. I feel the sleep coming on so I'll head to bed now. Thank You for always reminding me that no matter what happens, I am blessed and that I am Your child! The very thought of that makes me want to keep on working and striving for everything You call good.

Yours still

Bless!

Template Woes!

2007-03-14T03:04:00.000+01:00

Song on repeat: Ms Hill by Black Star
Books NOT being read: 26a by Diane Evans, Coelho's blog novel, and all other school related stuff

I have spent the last week messing around with my template and Lord knows I'm going to drive myself mad with the activities I spend time on these days! I am sorta happy with this one but it's too plain on the outer wrapper for me... I am sure I'll be back to tweak it some more. In the meantime, Ray has come to the rescue and has also, in my opinion, broken the 'longest blog entry' record with a comical outlook on his boarding school memories... what are you waiting for? go over and read it now! By the time you're done, I'll be wrapping up with my template (hopefully :-)

Bless!

Days and Times of E

2007-03-12T00:38:00.001+01:00

Reading:

July's People by Nadine Gordimer

26a by Diana Evans

The Prophet by Khalil Gibran

Funny forums like this one

Listening to:

India Arie –Testimony Vol. 1: Life and Relationships

Jill Scott – Beautifully Human

Floetry – Flo'ology

Lauryn Hill – MTV Unplugged 2.0 (check out Ms Hill a dedication to her by Black Star by clicking on the link)

Thinking about:

Why I am being so lazy

When school is going to be finally over FOREVER!

What I'll do when school is over…

Plantain

How someone can be fixated on one thing/person and convince themselves that there's hope

Vanilla ice cream with a red berry sauce warmed in cinnamon

Why the school called saying my health insurance card can't be found

When I'll finally live my life without a care in the world

Watched:

La vie des autres (very strange foreign {German} film!)

Gad Elmaleh – La vie normale

Tsotsi (great South African produced movie)

Def Poetry Season 1

Phone calls from:

Super Glue - TWICE! Aaarrrgghhh!

Ray (yay! Still smiling about that!)

Mama (a couple of times and some sweet texts too!)

Momo (nearly all weekend J)

Da Boss (crisis early this morning!)

Phone calls I didn't reveive but I wished I had:

Daddy (I really do miss him!)

Cindilicious (I miss you both L)

Punk that I am fixated on so I could maybe give him a piece of my mind about his very punk-ish ways!(that little ounce of hope still refuses to just fade out *sigh*)

Dalia (just to know she's doing ok)

Craved:

Katogo hot and steamy with amashta g'ente (if you don't zig this then shauri yako!)

Vanilla ice cream with red berry sauce warmed in cinnamon

Chai ky'aamate with tangawuzi, cinnamon and mujaja

Got All Frustrated because:

The blog template I started from scratch couldn't upload on photobucket

My doctor called me really early in the morning again to ask me if my health insurance card came through… only a day later after I'd told him that the school wasn't open!

Mr. man gave me the longest most mind numbing explanation of how he thinks I'm a cool person and he'd like to get to know me more (code language for I'm just not into you)

I spent far too much time thinking about the above

Accomplished:

Doing ALL my laundry

Cleaning the apartment for the umpteenth time

Not chatting with Mr. Man on msn

Making a few blog/t-shirt designs on Photoshop

Hung out at:

Nija's for a great mac 'n cheese dinner

Odeon with Iva and co.

Freedom with the girls

Champ de Mars today and it was SUNNY! Never mind that the sun was cold, it was still something!

Excited about:

Yet another hobby - Photoshop is great!

Momo's brother being in town for a week (he's adorable!)

School starting again – (really it's just something to do)

Freedom Writers coming out in Paris Cinemas Wednesday 14^th March

All my lovely friends that continue to make me so happy without even knowing it

Bless!

Singing…

2007-03-08T01:27:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,

I just got back from meeting Iva's best friend and she was really nice. We had a great time laughing and having issues with our hearing. It was really a fun night. I could have so many things that are bothering me but I have decided to look to You for all my joy and peace and that has changed a lot. Thank You!

On my way into the apartment, I checked my mailbox and found one 10% off card from Sephora (I still haven't used my birthday 10% off ) so together with this one, I should be able to get a good perfume or something. I also got a letter from a lotto company that I am so sure I didn't sign up to. How they got my address I really don't know, my last name was even spelt right and that was a first! Anyway, I opened it not knowing what it was and I was super curious because the stamp was from Bordeaux and I know no one there has my Paris address.

So I open it half hoping that it's a mistake and then I read through and saw these numbers EUR 615,810 (six cent quinze mill huit cent dix euros) six hundred fifteen thousand, eight hundred and ten euros!!!! Now at this point, I had forgotten that stuff like this doesn't just happen randomly to people like you and me… but a part of me still wanted that money to be mine(what I would do with it is as much a mystery as it is to you my friend) so I kept reading.

Farther down into the document it was written, nous vous maintenir le maximum possible de confidentialite sur cet avis jusqu'a ce que nous ayons accomplit toutes les formalites et l'argents seras verse dans votre compte bancaire designer. (We urge you to keep this issue confidential until we are able to work through all the formalities and the money is put in the bank account of your choice- loosely translated) And that's when I realized that tonight was not the night that I was going to get six hundred thousand euros richer. An attached sheet asks for information about my bank, my telephone number and all that private info.

And that was my day….

I also made this… sorry about this hiss but I'll figure it out soon...

Yours in Love!

Sunshine

2007-03-06T02:05:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,
I just got back from the movie theatre where I watched Dream Girls and on my way back, i wondered why I even chose that movie of all the ones I haven't seen. Does that happen to you guys? You go to watch something that you know you might leave thinking, why did I just watch that? Instead I sat through the whole movie laughing at things that weren't really that funny and likening Beyonce Knowles to Diana Ross so that some sort of credibility could be placed on her acting skills. I was touched by Jennifer Hudson's musical abilities and in especially one song, that one where she boldly declares that she's not leaving the group… I wondered what would push me to impose myself on something or sing (assuming that I could) and declare to the other party that "I'm staying and you're gonna love me". A part of me thought, that must be real love right there, not caring about your dignity or pride and begging out of desperation for someone to stay if things went wrong somewhere down the line, then I thought maybe I just haven't felt that way about anything in particular and so I can't relate but I soon settled for the usual me, laughing at the thought of those words coming out of my mouth…it was a moving performance though.

So this weekend I went to Bordeaux in the South West and I had an amazing time. I was skeptical of what it would be like. I automatically assumed that the French down there would be incomprehensible but it wasn't. Momo and I were surprised to find that the Bordeaulaise (totally making that word up but I think it exists) are actually happy, easy going, and pleasant; something I have had trouble saying about Parisians. We walked around the city centre quite a bit and I might add that we were really good about remembering where things were. We managed to blend in rather well. We were supposed to continue farther south to Lacanau but because the bus was leaving at 5pm, we figured it would be a waste to spend just one full day there so we settled for Bordeaux. It wasn't hard to find a moderately priced hotel either. We put our bags in the room and went shopping. lol.

The food down there is amazing! We had lunch at a small, modest Senegalese restaurant and the plantain was so close to home it made me homesick. We then continued our shopping and a few people told us about how Rue St. Catherine was the longest pedestrian street in Europe, I guess we didn't blend in that well since total strangers stopped to have conversations concerning the history of the city with us. We each had a relaxing spa experience and then went out to dinner and walked some more around the little area by the hotel. There was this amusement park close by and we were both so excited by all the lights and the merriment of us not being in Paris that I forgot my fear of heights. It was an exhilarating experience none the less, never mind that I didn't look down the whole time we were on the Ferris wheel.

On Sunday we woke up bright and early, had breakfast and went outside for some more discoveries. The Bordeaux Carnival took place on that same day and the weather was a true blessing from Yeshua, stamped and approved! I was walking around in a sleeveless shirt, light cargo pants, and sandals. It was 23 degrees the whole day!!! Again I felt slightly homesick but the sun felt just right so I enjoyed and basked in every ray. We followed the parade for a little while before having lunch and then it was time to get our bags and head out and that's when the panicking began. The tram wasn't running because all the roads/rails were closed due to the Carnival so we had to walk with our now heavy bags from all the shopping to the train station, and as if that wasn't enough, we had to speed walk or else we'd miss our train! Let me just tell you that my feet still hurt and my shoulder is still sore where the bag was.

Despite all that, Bordeaux was great and I thank You Yeshua for the blessings You showed me along the way, during the stay, and in the aftermath of it all. Thank You for the peace that settled in my heart this whole weekend and a big big thank You for bringing back my writing! I wrote a piece on the train there and since I got back to Paris, hundreds of lines have flowed beautifully through my mind and I can't wait to get them all down. It doesn't matter that they don't make sense when put together but one step forward is better than standing still. Woohoo for writing!

Speaking of, I went to J.Ivy's myspace page when I got back and I was kinda sad that I missed his birthday but I do hope his year is filled with blessings. I love that almost all the work I've heard from him has Your name in it. Listening to his ad for Verizon's make your history campaign, I wondered what it is about time that puzzles us as humans. It's like we know that there's no rushing it or slowing it down and yet we can't help trying to understand it. One thing is true though, change is real and it happens every day, the one thing that never changes is You!

It just dawned on me that I am happy! I am in love with love, the breath of fresh air that is my morning star, in love with You and everything that You love!

Okay, I shall take my happy behind to my journal so I can pen down some happy thoughts J . I trust that El Castro is in Your hands. I pray for his healing and that the discomfort he is feeling at this moment isn't too bad. I pray that you remind him constantly that even though he is far away from all of us, You are all he needs.

Milles Bisous,

Bless!

For Guiana

2007-03-05T01:30:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,

I was going to write about the wonderful weekend trip I had in the south but I can't help myself, I just watched a short documentary on French Guiana and I am at a loss of words at the immense suffering many of those people have to go through.

French Guiana and other some islands of the West Indies are departments of France meaning that the same laws that apply here in Paris also apply in Martinique, Guadeloupe, Guiana, and La Reunion. I was completely shocked when I found out from a friend of mine told me that everything in Martinique is under French law. In fact they fly the French flag as their official one, have Jacques Chirac as their president and he in turn elects a Prefet (Prefect) to handle administrative and political issues in the French West Indies. Back then, I laughed it off and thought to myself, it can't be that bad but at the same time, I was angered that such levels of neo-colonialism were alive and going strong even today.

As I watched the documentary, I saw a beautiful country with a people that were a mix of many ethnicities, some were immigrants (legal and illegal), and then there were the French proper who'd moved there to exploit the number one mineral that Guiana is good for – Gold! The documentary flashed from scenes of a rich French expatriate showing the crew around her gold mine and bragging about the 15,000 Euros she'd be bagging for the kilo of gold they just refined, to slum-like ghettos that constituted of miserable shacks that housed families of eleven or more and drug infested streets, and then to a completely surreal side, the free health care that the French government provides (apparently it's like no other in all of south America) until the very real side of disease and poverty shot through the screen stirred such strong emotions paired with the faces I saw.

The part that got me the most was the drug trafficking. Cocaine is sold at low prices and with no remorse. There are no rehabilitation centers or any projects set up to help the addicts, except for one that was filmed. I don't know of any others. Sometimes the victims of the poisons smoked crack cocaine right outside the police station because there they wouldn't be aggressed. The dealers weren't directly confronted but that had mostly to do with the fact that there are only four people for the whole capital to fight the distribution of narcotics. I really don't know what else to say Yeshua except for a prayer to reach Your hand out to all the people that have fallen victim to the world's evils. I pray that You cleanse their hearts and heal them, forgive our iniquity for we are a sinful people.

In Your Name

Bless!

Just a Quick One

2007-03-03T02:50:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,

I wanted to write a long short story about a few women I've known but tonight won't be the night that that happens… I am good, You are teaching me many things and I can't wait to compile them into coherent phrases to share… I hope that by the time I next blog, I'll still remember them. I took a few minutes out of the day to compile a survey to find out which one of my friends knows me best and I am not quite sure if it encompasses any of the things I am but oh well, it is fun to see the responses. (Bloggers try your luck with it, you might know me better than you thinkJ)

Create your own Friend Quiz here

I am going on a small break over in Lacanau (down south) and it should be extremely relaxing. I'll be sure to tell you all about it when time allows.

I love You!!

Without Fear

2007-03-01T01:25:00.001+01:00

"My expectation is from Him."-Psalm 62:5

Yeshua,

How are You today? I had a good day. In fact, I had a moment of [in]sanity where I rearranged my whole bedroom. I moved the bed to a different side of the room, moved the wardrobe to a different wall, pushed the dresser closer to the wall, sat back and looked at my 'organized' mess and decided that I didn't like it one bit. I don't know what came over me either. I should have known that the land lady had reason for putting the bed where it was. And so it was, at around 8pm this evening, I moved all the furniture back to its original place. Except for the wardrobe which I am thinking hard about moving back as well because it's left my mirror with no obvious place to be hung (you know the great spot where you are able to catch a glimpse of yourself right when you wake up?).

That was only part of my evening. Before that, I had lunch with Momo and we spent a lot of time on the internet trying to find some good places to go to down south for a weekend. We are hoping to just steal away from the city and enjoy the quiet, calm, country. I have my fingers crossed for a cheap ticket so please bless us with that.

Last week I spent a lot of time (a whole day) trying to make a conclusive photo slide show of some of the *people I love (those whose photos I have) and it turned out really great! Of course it isn't the best I can make it (needless to say that making photo slides is my new favorite hobby) but I was so happy with it that I watched it for two days straight, every morning. I am blessed to have each one of those people in my life. In fact, all that You have given me has brought me great joy. I am learning each day that You are good… You are the best! I have not gone one day without my needs. You have made it possible for me to live a life that is full and that is happy. There have been times when I wondered where You were and if You were close enough to pull me out of certain situations and You have always been there. Nothing I could write could show the love I feel for You.

So many questions race through my mind when I think of our relationship. It is sometimes hard to just be. Being human is a serious trick! Insane as it might sound, I find myself asking questions that I later think were stupid (and yet nothing is stupid to You) I used to hide my thoughts from people because I thought that they would think I was strange for thinking certain things. And then I started to open up more and that was dully confirmed (lol) but then You brought me closer and told me that what they thought really didn't matter. I am still working on not caring for human judgment. ON the other hand, I have so many questions… and I feel like if I share them with no fear or shame, then the answers are bound to come from somewhere.

At the same time, I was afraid of being the depressed girl that thought mostly about 'depressive' problems… but there is no fear in You… all things are open and free so I am going to give this a shot and pray that Your voice speaks to me clearly and distinctly. I have always believed that people are good, no matter their outward comportment and I suppose I was often coined naïve for thinking that. I have often been left hurt and confused but worst of all, corrupted with anger. These last few years have gone by with me on the offensive trying to work through all the negative vibes that came my way so that I could at last say strongly and firmly that You put it in my heart that all people are good in spite of their demeanor. Am I wrong in thinking that? I have read stories upon end about horrific things that happened in the past (in fact for a good part of my life, sad documentaries on recent history were my biggest interest) I still have an affinity to suffering and I wonder the works behind the men that would rape, maim, murder innocent people (the fact that they are innocent doesn't make it different for me, even if someone were guilty of a crime, I still believe that judgment is Yours entirely). It escapes me completely and now I am at a point where I shut a part of myself off from people in general because I do not know what they are looking to gain in knowing me. What am I supposed to do? I believe that You say give; give all that I have and all that I am for they are my brothers and sisters and You are in them. Treat them like I would treat You. What a blessing… that helps with my anger issues too! LOL this is funny… it's like with each answer that comes, there is always that little voice that comes along saying, oh watch someone think that she typed this all out and had it planned but I am praising You Yeshua because that voice means nothing to me and it knows it. The one voice that I am following is Yours! AMEN!

One other thing that has been an issue of late is the fact that I am forever comparing myself to others. Why do I do that? It's not like me to be insecure. In fact it doesn't seem like insecurity when I think about it. It's that feeling that questions whether what I am doing is right. See, You know that I have never been one to follow the masses blindly and it hadn't been a problem for me to discern right from wrong. But the state of the world today, the experiences I've lived, the undeniable deception roaming the world over, all these things have left me questioning. It seems like it's best to keep only You close and when I begin to do that, in many cases all other things seem to be going downhill. But then again, in typing that, I remember that I must stick it through… there will always be ups and downs. What I haven't figured out yet, is how to not let it bother me so much. How do I edge off the repugnance that has found a small but significant corner of my soul? I don't want to start holding grudges and I don't want to tell myself it is okay enough times to forget about it only allowing the anger and aversion to grow secretly. Forgiveness has become more difficult but I am holding on to You for that release. I believe.

I just had a chat with a wonderful friend who shone some light on my earlier epiphany on everything being vanity. And it might come as a shock but Ace, you are right, you make sense in believing that this life is but a silly journey and I would add that the real stuff comes afterwards. I will live for You Yeshua, here and there with You!

Here's the slideshow... the music is a bit abrupt at times lol I am working on that and the photos show up better if you click on the arrow at the bottom right and choose 'original size'. If you do not understand luganda, you're missing out on some hilarious lyrics! Hopefully the images will appease non luganda speakers :-) Jesus loves you and so do I!

Still Yours

*If you are not in that slideshow and think you deserve to be there, e-mail me your photos!! You know I love you though right?

Bless!

Vanity

2007-02-28T04:31:00.001+01:00

Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity … *And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow {Ecclesiastes 1:2, 17-18}

Yeshua,

It is 3.43am on a Wednesday morning and the verse above just became clearer than it has ever been. After a long chat with my crush, it seemed clearer than it has ever been before. I know someone somewhere reading this is shaking their head and thinking how shallow because that is exactly what I thought when the verse first popped into my head, to be relating such a verse to a mere crush situation and yet it says it all – all is vanity. Yet again, You are everywhere and Your Word tugs at my heart and when I am listening for it, revelations are made.

I remember when I first started dating, I never stopped saying that You are love. Even long before that, I was brought up to believe that love was synonymous with You. What/Who else could encompass such an abstract emotion and make it real for us; simple-minded humans? I explained to all my exes that if they didn't know You, then the love they claimed to feel for me was just that, a claim with no real substance. I don't think any of them ever got it. It didn't make concrete sense to me then either. I said it because somewhere inside of me, something believed it. Over the years, I have found myself learning more and more that You are love's very foundation. And knowing that has brought me peace, calm, and assurance. It has taught me to be patient and to know when love really is love and not an infatuation. I might not have shared anything close to the love I know in You with any of the guys I've dated but that's because at each stage of my life, there was a different lesson. I am grateful for these lessons. I have friends who fight more than they laugh together. I have friends who've grown apart after a breakup and live on the hatred that was left by the hurt in their hearts. I often wondered how anyone could maintain that they love when they relate it to the most hurtful emotion (sometimes I still do).

We all have it within us but it has been twisted like most other things You created for our own good. Everything in the end, is vanity. Nothing is new and one thing rings true and that is that You are love. And the answer is forever yanking at me. If You are love, and You are good, then so is love. It is not a complex mathematical equation.

*Except that the things that You have taught me and birthed in my soul have only brought be great joy. Thank You!

*Romance is His Forte :-)

2007-02-26T03:12:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,

Praising along with :

You have brought me from places far and grim and yet my heart settles not. I don't know what it is that keeps gnawing at me but sometimes I feel that I lack the peace I read of in Your great Book of life. For almost a year and a half now, I have been distressed and anxious. There have been times of peace and utter calm but yet my soul stirs deep within, unsettled. Is it because I think too much? Is it something I am supposed to live through and tell myself there will be better days?

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

{Genesis 1:27}

I know I am meant to feed on your word but it has proven more and more difficult. I hate coming to You like this with complaint upon complaint and then realizing later that You love me none the less and that Your grace alone is sufficient for me.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.

{Ephesians 1:11-12}

Why is it that I cannot engrain that firmly in my head? Is there something I am not doing right? Please show me Father. Is it normal for me to feel helpless in countless situations? To have my days pass by with nothing done? Surely that cannot be the way you made for me for Your ways are grand and mysterious and Your voice can be heard and will be heard as it was clear to Your prophet Jeremiah.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.

{Jeremiah 1:5}

I try to put my best into everything I do but it doesn't always work out that way. I feel tired Abba, please pick me up. My soul wants to cry out to you, in fact I believe it is and I am just not paying it enough mind. I wonder a lot about the future and yet there is the now to deal with. I find myself struggling between thoughts of what I think is alright and what I think is important and it doesn't seem right to be happy and skippy when there is so much going on in the world. I wonder what my role to play is in this place you placed us. I know it is not for me to know or ask but I feel like I am not hearing what You have to say to me. I thought about whether I should post this or not even before I knew what I was going to write. A part of me told me it would be incoherent and too personal to post but what have I to hide? To whom do I dedicate my life and actions?

For In him we live and move and have our being as even some of your own poets have said, for we are indeed his offspring.

{Acts 17:28}

Yes Yeshua, it seems that there are many things that we both know that no one else knows

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

{Psalm 139:1-4}.

I wonder how much of our relationship I can allow for outsiders to look into.

So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.

{Matthew 10:26-33}

I hear you telling me that I come to you in these states and yet I have passed my entire weekend doing nothing when I could have very easily picked up my Bible and read something that you wanted me to read at that precise moment but instead I found all sorts of other things to occupy my mind.

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them

{Psalm 139:15-16}

Thank you for that little incessant voice that kept nudging me to do something about this 'depression'.

Every so often I will go to sleep after having made a promise to you and the next morning, I am back where I was the day before. As if I never uttered a sacred promise the night before. And You in all Your infinite love and grandeur, You still love me. Lord I don't like to make promises that I can't keep and it is a weakness I have found out about myself. I do want to make things different and I pray that You help me through every miniscule step of the way. You do have a plan for me and I want to follow through with it. The way things appear to me is that there is a beautiful thing waiting for me at the end of the path and I am stuck in a maze that takes me back to the starting point each time I attempt to find my way out. There are things I have repeated and believed from your word and then there are other things I have repeated for so long that they don't have their initial meaning. Lord I want to be humble. Make me obedient; correct me as a father would a defiant child. When I am stubborn, show me that my way is not always your way and that your way is always best for me. Clear my conscience of the lies the devil is constantly plaguing me with and remind me that you are my Family, my Friend, my Savior and my Everything.

Upon you I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother's womb. My praise is continually of you.

{Psalm 71:6}

I need no one else but you. And still you love me.

I read about some sort of epidemic spreading through Masindi in Uganda and it pained me to read the figures of those who'd died. (110 people of 3000 reported cases) Abba, whether it be meningitis or some unknown disease, you alone are healer and you purify our souls so it is with knowing this and having great faith that I pray your healing hand upon your people not only in Masindi but all over the world. Thank you for thinking of me so much more than my human self spends time thinking of you and being with you.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

{Psalm 139:17-18}

My mind shall not remain captive to the works of evil for you my Lord have promised me good.

I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul.

{Jeremiah 32:40-41}

And here I am again, seeking you with my whole heart.

But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.

{Deuteronomy 4:29}

And yet again, You never disappoint! Thank You for this blessing! Your name is exalted on high!

I thank You also for the engagement of my two friends Dali and Bruh, may their union be strong in You. And also for another year gone by for Ace, may this new year bring him joy and peace in You.

I love You!

*Title copyright of Miss Pea.

**Postscript: Thank you Yeshua for speaking to me through Patrick today. And for the beautiful praise this video evoked in me, although I don't understand a word of Portuguese, Your love is universal! Post partially inspired by Bryan Adams' Father's Love Letter. **

Light at the End of My Tunnel

2007-02-23T01:04:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,

Hi my long loving friend! I realize I must pick up where we left off in the last correspondence and I have searched every ounce of me for ways in which to begin and I have found nothing… no answers until now. Just start it and you'll see... (I love those just do it command moments!) So here goes, after a day or two, I realize I am not these things anymore but here's why I felt them.

Sad

Early this week, a friend of mine told me about another friend of ours that was having a really difficult time with school, life, and just about everything else. He apparently had a nervous breakdown and in that moment of bizarre clarity decided he wasn't going to attend class anymore. He leaves Paris tonight for Spring break and will probably stay in his native country until he gets things sorted out. He should be graduating this spring. I was sad Yeshua, really genuinely sad. I know that a part of the reason he had that breakdown was because he wasn't talking to his friends (who include me) and I feel even more terrible because I wasn't there when he needed me. I didn't make the effort friends ought to make, just to call and see how he was doing, or even invite him over for a coffee. Now I am left with feelings of guilt and sadness. I don't know how he is doing and he even hasn't told me himself what he has been going through. I can only pray that things go better for him and that I can find a way to extend my sincere apologies for being a bad friend.
But You showed me this...

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

(Philippians 4:19 KJV)

And I thought well then, OK! Who am I to think that I could have changed anything? It is my Yeshua that can fix things now. I will pray for my friend and hand him over to You because only God can supply his need! {a little dance is arising in me as I type this}

I was also sad because I was letting things get the better of me. I have been trying hard Yeshua, but not hard enough. Please please bring into my being an energy and zest for life that only You can bring. Let's do a spring cleaning together, how does that sound? Actually, You just tell me which corners to sweep out; I am willing and ready with broom in hand. Having dates with You is the greatest! You always keep Your end of the deal. Show up on time, open the door, are gentle as a perfect gentleman – the works! I ask that You guide me to keep my end of this eternal commitment.

Not Caring Enough

I suppose I said it in the above… I should be there when people need me most. I shouldn't have to wait for them to leave school, drop a class, etc before I comfort them. In fact, this is not the way You want me to have this conversation with You is it?

Yeshua, I am surrendering all my worries, fears, troubles, and trials to You. You take them over and show me how to work through them. I believe. I always have and no matter what kind of nonsensical voice that comes to plague me with suggestions of depression, inadequacy, and, surrender to all things unrighteous, I will stick by You as You have always stuck by me! Another one bites the dust. Hehe, this is super refreshing Yeshua, who knew I would come and type all this out and be blessed as I do it? You did of course but I surely didn't. Hence why I put it off for a minute but thank You for this!

Tired, Frustrated, Confused

We might as well throw these out the window because I am not feeling any of the above anymore. I remember that I was frustrated about the LRA movement into the Central African Republic and the continuing abduction of Sudanese children along the way. Yeshua, whether I am passionate about the Acholi people because of daddy's profound love for them, and his efforts towards their peace, I do not know. But I pray with all that I have in me, that they may see peace soon. That their hearts maybe softened and that their trust is put entirely in You. That the anger they feel maybe replaced with a forgiveness that will cleanse and lift the whole nation. And I believe that it has been done in Your name!

The LORD will give strength unto his people; the LORD will bless his people with peace. (Psalms 29:11 KJV)

And in typing the above, I have remembered, after a long while and during a chat that we are all God's Children and You love us just the same. Your judgment shall come upon each and every one of us and in that day, You will accept the ones who followed You in the path of righteousness.

AND NOW FOR BARACH* PRAISING!

Yeshua, you continue to amaze me with every passing minute. I was so down in the dumps just a few hours ago and I kept telling myself, I should come talk to You and yet I should have known that I could have spoken to You right where I was, in that exam room with half the class trying to cheat, the Italian restaurant with Monica telling me not to think about how homesick I am, on my way home as the rain drizzled lightly onto my four day old cornrows. Here is what I am praising You for today.

THIS JUST IN! GO ON…CLICK, READ, AND COME BACK

LORD, You are THE ONE! THE ONLY! Who else could we have believed in for healing? I am so grateful that Your hand has stayed upon Pea, and all other believers that have reached out to You for healing and have received it. I am truly very humbled by Your great works. Faith is a beautiful thing and I am learning daily that even when the world wants us to think 'no, it's not possible,' You come along and MAKE it possible. This is how I am praising You Abba, even without those instruments physically; I know You hear them from my soul.

Praise ye the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary: praise him in the firmament of his power. Praise him for his mighty acts: praise him according to his excellent greatness. Praise him with the sound of the trumpet: praise him with the psaltery and harp. Praise him with the timbrel and dance: praise him with stringed instruments and organs. Praise him upon the loud cymbals: praise him upon the high sounding cymbals. Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD. (Psalm 150)

SO... Let's all celebrate with...

A chocolate chandelier… so I haven't bought it or anything but I know the shop it's in so don't worry, I am sure they can take orders and do shipping aussi… if not, then you have one to feast your eyes on forever more!

I don't even have the words to express my praise but I know that You know my heart, my inner most parts and my spirit is lifted with You so I thank You!

I am Praising for the sense that the verse below is beginning to make to me… Do You remember the times I struggled with this verse?

I am come to send fire on the earth; and what will I, if it be already kindled? But I have a baptism to be baptized with; and how am I straitened till it be accomplished! Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. (Luke 12:49-53)

It perplexed me in so many ways and now I realize, with the revelation that you are a good God, what You say here essentially is to love You FIRST! Before all else, Yeshua, You are first in my life, above mother, father, brother, sister, and friend because You are ALL those things to me and You have my name written on Your hand. I am Yours!

For the song that is in my head right now, You know that one that goes, "He's turned my mourning into dancing again/ He's lifted my sorrows/ I can't stay silent/ I must sing for His joy has come tuntuluntutuu…." I am dancing now! How happy can one get?

For the joy You've brought into my love by way of lovely friends and family. Maybe I should list the ones that I know will read this? Bless them all superbly and give them perfect peace in You

Nakapiripit: you are a wonderful sister to have and I pray that love dwells in Your heart, that Your joy comes from Him who strengthens us and that our special darling cupcake angel grows to be a woman of God and a blessing to the nations.

Naka B: Your blog today made me SO homesick! Kwata mu ka sawo! LOL! Lord may You grant her the wisdom to follow You and the strength to overcome all evil. And the joy to carry her through life, and the promise of love everlasting.

ACE: Yeshua, You know how I love this one. May his soul inch closer to You and find comfort and peace where no one else has been able to give it. Give him love so true that He is able to forget the pain and sorrow he has known.

Baura: Bless her with Your full armor and quench her thirst for knowledge of You. May she be more like You in every growing step she takes.

Ninja: Bless his heart! Give him patience, humility, kindness, love, peace, joy, happiness, everything that he needs to be a strong man in You! Bless his endeavors and guide him along the way. (You can throw in a few spelling lessons too :-)

The Model Cheri: Guide her with love to discoveries yet unknown to her. Speak Your secrets to a still obedient heart and alight a praise in her that will never cease!

Hamelin's Finest: BLESS HIS SOUL!!! Lord, only You know how much this man has brought me joy on days when I thought laughter was about to pass me by yet another time. Give him the direction of a righteous way and remind him of the love You have for him. Use him to speak to Your children and fill them with Your light!

FOR ALL MY OTHER FAMILY & FRIENDS: I pray that they may be more like You, and thirst after Your very heart. That they may find perfect peace in You and that they are blessed beyond anything they could ever hope for.

And for everyone else reading this: A peace that surpasses all understanding so that You may dwell in each heart and that Your light may shine through them to glorify Your name!

Yours in Love & Praise!

*To kneel, to bless, to adore with bended knee. When used by man in reference to God, it means to endure with power for success, prosperity and long life. In Psalm 34:2, barach is translated as BLESS and in Psalm 103:1-2, barach is translated to mean WORSHIP

Revival

2007-02-21T01:18:00.001+01:00

Yeshua,

I feel happy, thankful, content, at peace, and loving. I also feel sad, confused, not caring enough, tired, and frustrated.

Happy

I was really excited this morning at about 5am when I went to this beautiful photo blog to find that my favorite author Paulo Coelho is releasing his new book on the 25^th of this month. And that the first chapter will be available online. I can't tell You how much this particular author thrills me mentally (You already knowJ). I am awed by the gift You gave him to communicate everyday walks of life so well and with so much understanding even though most of his books are/were at one point a pilgrimage for himself to find a truth. It's kind of like what I am doing here with You but I find myself saying, "E, you are not half as talented as Mr. Coelho, so stop playing yourself!" lol. It's okay though because I still relate to his stories on a level that You have allowed his soul to communicate with mine. I remember the first time I read The Fifth Mountain. I was in Gulu on a trip with some filmmakers and it was such a source of encouragement for me. I read Coelho's story adapted from the biblical Elijah and it became a personal walk for me. In many ways, it helped me through all the rough and tough scenes of the suffering that I encountered everyday up north for the two weeks I was there. I vividly recall also coming back absolutely ready to change the world and whatever cost. I wrote daddy a long report with all the reasons I thought the war was still going on. It's funny to look back at that 'report' now. I was this young girl telling two of the most knowledgeable people on this matter that they were wrong in many of their assumptions/findings. I still think some of what I wrote in there is true and that without paying attention to the peoples' long term suffering, peace will not be easy to attain in the long run. But then again, You and I both know that perfect peace only comes from You and I can only pray that our entire nation will one day have that shalom shalom (thanks Pea for widening my ka database of Hebrew).

Thankful

That daddy (and his group) finally launched the Bonna Bagagawale scheme in Masindi today. This has been a dream of his since the coffee days. LOL. You remember those don't You? Yes, it was all for the same reason really… Divinity Union, coffee, Entandikwa, sunflower plantations, peanut butter packaging plants… the list goes on. He was doing it all for poverty eradication. I never understood it then but I think I get it a little better now. Daddy is a wonderful man at heart and he hurts for poor people that have the resources but are cheated out of the benefits because they are unable to access those resources. It used to and it still frustrates him that people often don't share his vision at the time that he proposes it but You always remind me and him sometimes that everything comes in its time. I am really really grateful to You Yeshua for the successful launch of this program. I am convinced that this time around, Ugandan people will come together to combat a common problem and to make use of our beautiful land and resources and above all, the ability You gave us to work. All this towards a people that can sustain themselves physically and remember always that You are the author of all things good and that You never left us. I am also thankful for the USE (Universal Secondary Education) program that kicked off this week back home. Please guide the people in charge of that so that they may not be tempted to give in to their own selfish needs but to work for the joint benefit of the entire nation's youths. I'm thankful for the continued healing that You are working in me and extremely thankful for the friends that You have put by my side through good and teaching times alike.

Content

Yeshua, You know this has always been slippery ground for me. I used to think that I was content with what I had at any given time but we both found out (or rather I found out) that wasn't exactly true. As I got older, I found myself wondering why person X had talent Y and I didn't. I remember it almost clearly. You assured me so gently and yet so firmly that I had my own talents and I had nothing to be envious about. I am me and You love me this way. Why would You have gone through the trouble to bless me this much if it wasn't for the fact that You have serious plans for me? DUH! I can be slow sometimes I know but that was a brilliant moment of truth for me. I find myself content with all that I have… and I say all instead of 'what' because I do have a lot… It makes me smile just to type that because had I been reading a post similar to this a year or so ago, I would have automatically thought about material possessions. It fills my heart with so much joy to know that You know very well that I am speaking of the blessings that aren't even tangible. Those little miracles that people like to tag abstract like love, peace, happiness, and wholeness.

At Peace

All this praising and praying and rejoicing have brought calmness to my soul that I thought had run away from me. I actually thought I'd chased it far away from myself that it wasn't going to be found again but that was me being silly. Who knows the works of my Yeshua? He is ever present, ever loving, and ever giving! And it's only after stopping for a while and listening, in the stillness of everything dark that enveloped me, that I heard the way out. Shalom is mine in You!

To be continued…

Why I hate being sick!

2007-02-18T13:21:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

Thank You for helping me breathe my way through the last few nights. It felt really horrible to not breathe too well and have no inhaler anywhere around me. I kept thinking silly thoughts about how if I went to sleep, I would probably stop breathing. I read somewhere that asthmatic people overbreathe. Wait, is that possible Yeshua? Did God make us overbreathers? The word alone is really funny to me. I say we breathe just the right amount. But then again, I started to do the breathing excercises that this doctor talked about (which included NO BREATHING) and I started to feel better. Now I am struggling to keep my mouth shut and only breathe through my nose. I still do have a little wheeze but I took some more garlic, cinammon, honey and lemon juice for that. It is the ickiest concoction I tell You! My insides turn as it goes down... but in just a few minutes, I feel a whole lot better. I pray that this goes away quickly because I am not feeling the whole 'lay in bed all day' thing. In fact, I am going to stop this right here, take a shower, get some hot fluids inside my body and go get my hair braided! Of course my books are coming along with me :-)...

So I did get off my behind and went to get my hair braided but nothing went as I had planned. I showed up at the woman's hair salon and what do I see? Bars and locks all over the place. I grabbed my phone in what seemed to be a calm way and assured myself that I was at the wrong address perharps. I checked the message Wanja had sent me with the address and nope, I wasn't lost. This was the place. I then called the hairdresser and she picked up with those phony hellos... you know, the 'what a surprise to hear from you!' type of hellos. I asked her where she was and she inquired the same. 'Right in front of your shop, where you should be too!' I shot back. Long story cut short, I ended up at Strasbourg St. Denis (Little Africa) getting some cornrows to last me a couple of weeks. Of course I wanted some long lasting tiny and very neat braids but Sunday was not the day to be huffing and puffing under all those extensions. Not with the way I was breathing. I had been scared to eat all day because my chest felt tighter every time I attempted to eat anything. In fact, I was quite sure that the amount of garlic I'd consumed to combat the infection was enough to let off a strong body ordour that could be smelt just by standing next to me and that alone made me lose my appetite I am telling You, I ate ALL the garlic I had in the house and it was a lot! So blah di da, two hours later, I had some nice cornrows (that I am growing to like) and a very empty stomach. I spotted a McDonald's by the metro so I went in and got a Big Mac meal to go. I came back, downed it like I was being chased or something and sent mama a text to call me. She called a few minutes later and I launched into my complaining. See, I had texted her in the morning and asked her to call but she never did. Now here we were, me running my mouth and saying how I almost died yada yada and she's laughing her head off so much she falls into a coughing fit. Then I stop. 'Are you sick?' I ask, 'Yes, I've been having the worst flu and my asthma is disturbing me'. It is at that moment that I decided that what I had/have is a result of mama's illness. There has to be some scientific explanation for why we both feel ill at the same time even when we are miles away from each other and therefore unable to pass the disease on. Of course she lauged it off but when I told her the shady antics I had used to get my breathing back on track, she started sounding worried.

This morning, she called me at 11am knowing well that my first class wasn't until 3pm and she yelled,

'Get up and go find an inhaler!'
'Mama, I won't be able to get an appointment until later this afernoon and we need prescriptions to get inhalers in France'
'I don't care! Tell them it's an emergency. I will call you in two hours.'

She still hasn't called me back. But I do have an inhaler now. The doctor kept saying there is no 'asthme' and I wanted to bite his head off. Of course I wasn't wheezing at that particular moment. It hits me worse at night! Why are you even listening to my chest? Just give me my prescription! Lord forgive me for thinking those things and wanting to hit that man but he was saying things that I could not for the life of me understand(the irritation that comes with feeling unwell). So if I did get another attack, and it's the middle of the night, I call the pompiers(firemen because that's who you call for emergencies in France... the number is 17..ODD people they are!) and through muffled breaths tell them where to find me... still, it would take about ten minutes to find me and that is more than enough time for me to really lose my breath. Bottom line is though, I am super grateful for the reminders You gave me every time my mind wandered into some sick, unhealthy thoughts.

I came up with a list of reasons to explain why it sucks to get sick when you live alone

There is absolutely NO ONE to soothe you and tell you it's going to be OK.
You have to do everything yourself, even when you feel weak, dizzy, and can't see straight
There's no Mama around to automatically know what to do and have a good guess of what it is you are suffering from
You wish you had that all purpose medical dictionary mama keeps referring to
There is no Mama in sight to somehow make you feel like it's not that bad
You can't tell Mama (or other close family living far away) how serious it is otherwise they'll get really worried
You think about telling a friend close by but you don't want to burden them and they aren't Mama
You have to do EVERYTHING yourself. I spent about half an hour trying to make tea and it was so pathetic I ended up laughing at myself. LOL
You spend hours on the internet trying to diagnose yourself but end up freaking out over a convinced misdiagonosis that in normal circumstances wouldn't apply but all of a sudden, it's quite possible that you have pneumonia or severe lung infection in my case
You stiffle a measly 'I'm fine' to all your online friends so they don't worry
And yes, I can't say it enough: THERE IS NO MAMA!!

There are some upsides to being alone and sick.

You fight to find that last bit of strength in you and when you grab hold of it, you realize that it's not so bad after all
You concoct new remedies that will come in handy in the future
You are constantly telling yourself that God is in control and there is no way He is going to let you die in a house all by yourself. (I am SO convinced that He has bigger plans for me!--Jeremiah 29:11)
You laugh at yourself when you get up to find something or make some more tea and for some reason your head decides to feel the lightest it's ever been so you hit the floor and think to yourself, I think I'll pass on the tea..
You mumble and grunt to yourself even when you know no one's around to hear you and then you realize that this what you will be like in your old age and that puts a smile on your face.
You find that these will be great stories to one day share with your children and their children as you nurse them back to health.

What am I trying to say? I want to say thank You Yeshua for making my down times a lot easier to go through and bringing Praise out of something the devil tries to use as a downfall. Thank You for constantly urging me to be strong and do what I need to do. And most of all, thank You for being with me when no one else can/is. I am going to try and get some rest now and hope and pray that I can re-schedule my midterm.

Thankfully yours...

Bless!

For My Sistren

2007-02-18T00:05:00.000+01:00

Paula: i'm fine! my room is messy and that is so not proverbs 31

Miss E: oui oui hmm kale me.. i have so not done anything this whole day

Paula:eh! do something...that is not prov 31...and believe you me, neither have i

Miss E: ps: prov 31 is so going to be my blog entry!

Yeshua,

I was thinking hard about what I should write to You about today and nothing came to mind. I spent my last night doing things I don't even remember now. I didn't feel like doing anything. I know I went to dinner with Momo and let out some pent up issues and she was a sweetheart for listening to me. We actually had a good laugh now that I think about it. We then went to promod and everything that was on sale wasn't cute. The new collection looks really nice though but I don't like the material they use for most of their shirts. And the prints are sometimes too colorful and surprising. I don't want people getting dizzy just because they glanced at me. Then I came home and was really tired. I didn't sleep until late but nothing of importance happened between the time I got home and the time I went to sleep.

I got a text message from the guy I'd been seeing for like a month before Christmas break and he wanted to know if I hate him or despise him. I don't know who he thinks I am but surely nothing he did would deserve hatred! I obviously told him that I didn't hate him but that it was probably better that he sorts out his issues and looks after his daughter. I pray that You give him the direction to provide everything his daughter needs and to realize that she is his responsibility and that he needs to be a part of her life.

So, my quote above came from a chat I had with Paula earlier tonight. Before I get into anything else, I would like to ask You Yeshua to bless that sweet girl with mightier blessings, greater peace, everlasting love (which You've already given), and a courage that fears nothing else BUT You! She is a beautiful woman that fears and reveres You and I am glad to have her as a friend. For all the women that I know and all the ones that will come across this, this next part is dedicated to and is my deepest prayer for you!

"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised." -- Proverbs 31:30

When Proverbs 31 showed up in our chat, I did what I usually do. I googled it! Google has become such an automated reflex sometimes I wonder if I will run to find a computer say if someone tries to rob me. lol. Anyway, what I found blessed me greatly. My very own example to follow in being a christian woman that fears God above all other things.

Abba, it is my prayer that you search and find in me that which You deem unrighteous and correct it. I pray that all my lovely sistren may grow into the characteristics that were found in that one woman's persona. We pass our lives believing and thinking that it is only right to do some things right and not put as much effort in other things but You tell us that we ought to be efficient, caring, loving, and disciplined. I pray that we take on the strength, dignity, and great gift of nurturing that You have trusted us with. Above all, let us always put You first in all things we do because You pave the path for us to pass.

As I read the chapter, I smiled a lot, recognizing several things that the woman that was spoken of had in common with my own mother and many other women I know. I am happy that this portrait hasn't been forgotten over the years. That women all over the world genuinely extend their God given gifts to better the world we live in. It might seem like a foolish way to look at things but I strongly believe that those women that are adhering to the lessons from Proverbs 31 are women at peace with who they are, and Whom they believe. They are courageous and wise. They do everything good to make their spouses happy and do not hold back love from their children. They set an example for the people under their care and are constantly working, preparing, praying, and praising.

This chapter has revealed to me one of the reasons mothers are so powerful. Women who fear God are so blessed with insight to things like constant prayer for their children. I am convinced that I am where I am because of my mother's prayers among other things. I have seen the way she works to put food on our table. I have seen how she is always there for daddy and for us, her children. I often wondered how she can be so fun and outgoing around us, after a long day's work, deals gone bad, and disappointments. Daddy told me recently that all she does is laugh her depression away. That's her way of getting over things but as much as it might be convincing (she does laugh a lot), I disagree. I know now, that she has clothed herself in Your strength and is in a space where You hold her dear. With that, she has the motivation to get through another day with peace in her heart and food on our table. Thank You Yeshua for such a great gift!

I want to be this woman for You, for my future husband, and for my kids. I want to be pure, humble and wise. I want to set an example for younger women so that they may find peace of mind in their own souls and not elsewhere. I pray this same prayer for every single woman of God. And I receive Your blessing with great joy and thankfulness! Thank You for showing me this scripture and making it my portrait. I shall praise You for the rest of my days.

I feel a little tight in the chest and I have been wheezing for almost two hours now but I know that I am healed in Your Holy name. Please take away the discomfort and the sharp pains. I don't know if I should go ahead and make those chocolate covered strawberries that I'd planned to make for dessert or if I should just go to sleep... I might go for the strawberries while I make some more tea. Thank You for helping me prepare a new recipe tonight. I am so glad nothing went wrong. I might have put a little too much cayenne pepper but the Kuku Paka was lovely!

Hmm it would be nice if I could find my inhaler sometime soon because I sound like I might have swallowed a little kitten! I am believing in You for my healing. Bless my family that I miss so much and cleanse their hearts so their love for You may shine brighter everyday!

**postscript: It turns out I won't be needing and inhaler. God is good! And yes Pea, I tried the remedies and the garlic and honey one was really icky but it worked. Off I go to those yummy strawberries

Bless!

Speak to me!

I still believe!

2007-02-16T01:33:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

I believe, in Your faithfulness, Your love, Your power, Your righteousness... Yes Yeshua, I still believe!

I feel so tired today. I am sure You know the reasons, but I still had to come here and clear my fogged up mind. Thank You for another day, many more blessings. I had a strange dream. I am not sure if You were telling me something or if it was one of those ones where my mind is subconsciously arising issues from deep down. In any case, I trust that You will sort it all out and I am here, ready to be obedient.

I came across some very funny blogs today. I am yet to read all of them but I kept thinking, 'wow, these Kenyans blogs are really nice. They have this whole blogger community that's organized and has awards and the works.' And as I write this now, I wonder if it serves much purpose to be a part of some sort of community if all or most of what you'll find is disappointment and often hurt feelings.

I was supposed to interview a girlfriend of mine for my Journalism class and at the last minute, she bailed because she was having emotional issues concerning this guy she's seeing. Yeshua, I am telling you, I tried everything from our last conversation and it's really not that easy but I am trying. I really am. But I know that I will need Your help for those moments. I have just remembered that prayer that we all learnt at some point while growing up and it has made awesome sense to me tonight.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

What I love about this prayer is that there is acceptance in things that cannot be changed. It is a hard one but it brings tremendous peace once one's reached that point. Wisdom to know the difference is one that has come with time and I am so sure that there's still more to learn. I didn't even know that there was a second part to this prayer until tonight. I am beginning to believe more and more that the internet was indeed 'invented' with very good intention. (How ironic Yeshua, seeing as last year I was mortified by the thought of even checking my e-mail) You really do work in wonderfully mysterious ways!The second part of the serenity prayer goes as follows;

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

the serenity prayer - alcoholics anonymous - reinhold niebuhr

How beautifully this person's prayer applies to my life, only You know. I know don't feel alone on this one fact. We all could do with a small dose of humility to put things in perspective. To know that our ways and our hopes for this world are nothing. That we need to keep our eyes focussed on the center of he mark because You are very much alive and with us each day. That You are a good God who does everything for our benefit. I am so blessed to know that Yeshua. I am humbled because You have stuck by me even in my worst of days.

Remember when I was little and I had the hardest time parting from my material things? I used to think that those little dresses and shoes would be with me for a lifetime. I recall running to mama in tears on several occasions saying that my red dress had been ruined because this cousin didn't pay enough attention to keeping it clean when she'd borrowed it, or that my favorite shoes had gone missing and showed up two days later and also two whole sizes BIGGER! Mama always told me, 'they're just material things sweetheart, you can always buy more shoes and dresses.' Now that I think about it, we were all primed from a very young age to learn that we ought to give to the less fortunate. On the most random day, mama would have us go through all our belongings and find everything that didn't fit or that we'd held on to for so long it was beginning to become a part of us, and she'd give everything to the kids in the neighborhood. It was funny to go to some different area of town and find that my little polka dot shirt had made it all that way and the person that was wearing it loved it just as much as I had. That always made me feel better.

I am older now and I have repeated that phrase so many times that I could give anyone all that I own if you asked. The greatest part about it though, is that You, Yeshua have detached me from the dependence on those particular things that I used to find so important. I sense You weaning me off my phone too. I have absolutely no complaints there either. Life is so much better with You filling me up, putting a spring in my step, making me forget that my hair is struggling so much that I've been wearing headwraps all week! I know that with every passing day, You hold me closer in Your embrace and very soon, I shall be able to look around and see, hear, taste, feel only You!

I am blessed that You love all of mankind so much! And I am thanking you, for all of mankind, for loving us so! Thank You Yeshua, Abba, Friend!

I am going to try and get my hair braided this weekend. I also have midterms coming up just next week so I have to get a lot of studying done over the weekend. I pray that I prepare adequately for them. I also pray big time for Ray, may all his efforts earn him an admission to Vlerick(did I spell it right Ray?). Yeshua, touch the hardened hearts of those who have shut You out. Heal those that need Your healing, and bless the ones that have dedicated their lives to sharing Your word. Give them to really let Your light shine through them so that others may glorify Your name. Yeshua, You are Lord of the breakthrough and mine is here. I am not letting it pass me by. Thank You!

Loving you always!

Bless Sistren and Breddrin alike!

Are you STILL believing in Him for your tomorrow?

Let it go, it's easy... right?

2007-02-14T23:59:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

Bless Your name! Before I go off rambling my usual rants, I want to tell You how excited I am that we are communicating again. I know You never left me but the knowledge of Your presence has put me on such a height I can't even describe it. I look forward to these quiet moments with You. I see Your hand in everything that I do. Even when depression and other negative emotions try to corner me, I am reminded that You alone are God. What have I to fear if You are right by my side? Yes, you thought it too readers, nothing! So I am thankful for the gift of a soul that is alive. One that can feel and be real. One that will ask questions when it doesn't understand, and won't push things too far when they aren't understood. I know that I am not meant to understand it all. Heck, if I understood everything, I would be... I don't even know anyone that does understand it all save for my darling Yeshua! My soul is the only important thing that lives and it is now being fed daily with wisdom and anecdotes to get by. I realized today that You have given me more than I could hope or dream for, You have placed Your favor on me. That song resounded in my head over and over again and I found myself revelling in the fact that Your love is so wonderous.

The first thing I read today were the comments from our previous talk. Interestingly, although I adore and appreciate them, I was pleased to find that my heart was settled (unlike previous times when I dwelt on one thing for ages)and I took them as encouragement. This remains our space and I am loving it.Maybe You can help me with the whole reading between the lines thing... I sometimes read things that are SO not there! I don't know if it will come in handy some day but in it's own time right? Of course.
The second thing I read was this,

" In “Verba Seniorum” (The Word of the Ancients): Two wise men who lived in the same chapel in the Sahara desert, chatted one day: “Let’s fight so that we don’t become disassociated from the human being, or we will end up not understanding properly the passions that torture him", said one of them.

"I don’t know how to begin a fight".

"Well, we will do the following: I am putting this brick here in the middle, and you say to me: it’s mine. I will answer: no, this brick is mine. Then we will begin arguing and we will end up fighting".

And so they did. One said that the brick was his. The other argued, saying it was not. “Don’t let’s waste time over this, keep this brick," said the first. “Your idea for a fight was not very good. When we perceive that we have an immortal soul, it is impossible to fight over things".

It was taken from my Warrior Of Light subscription (no.140). I read that first and thought, what a beautiful thing, to be able to say 'no thank you sir, I do not want this brick, if you believe it will do much for you, go ahead and take it.' I actually thought about the numerous times I have done something similar and incessant remarks on my cowardice and supposed pretentiousness. It has never been a problem for me in the past, those names and labels, but You have Your way of reminding us how humble we ought to be and that was a super one that You threw my way. In past experiences, I have learnt that the following quote is also very true.

"I was angry with my friend: I mentioned this to him, and the anger went. I was angry with my enemy: I didn’t mention it to him, and the anger increased."--William Blake

And here is exactly where all the questions come in. See, I have always believed that if someone tries to pick a fight with you and you have nothing to do with it, you leave it alone. Even when you are the center of the argument, silence has proven almost always applicable for me. Successful too! But in the past year or so, I have realized how much harder it's gotten for me to forgive. And I mean really forgive and let it all go. It used to be easier Yeshua, remember? I used to say, 'it's alright, really, I still love you' or 'things are back to normal' and the deed was forgotten completely. I don't even remember heartbreaks from way back when... simply because I forgave and nothing about those people changed in my eyes and in my heart. The love remained.

Where it became difficult, like Blake aptly stated, was with the 'enemies'. In my case, I have found that the ones who dislike me the most, or hate me the most, are not even close to me. I am sure that they are more than I can count too. lol. (that brilliant light bulb just glowed in my soul telling me You are here with me). So how do I let someone I don't know know that I am angry with them? Isn't it easier to just shut them out? No! It eats at me sometimes. I get into these moments when I really wonder if what they think has an inkling of truth. Whether it's me that has the problem and not their hate that is driving them. Do I even have a right to be angry? Have I done anything that is deserving of their wrath? I have since come to learn that anger is real. It happens and the way we deal with it matters. Thank You for google because it has been yet another blessing tonight... I found that the Bible has this to say about anger . It all makes better sense now. The less I associate these passionate emotions with the persons themselves, the easier it will be for me to tackle the real issues at hand. How many thank Yous can I fit in a post? haha. Thank You Yeshua!

Today was a blessing in so many ways. I had a song in my heart and I am so humbled by Your undying love. Nearly the entire world celebrated Saint Valentine today but I see nothing different about this day. I hope to live all my days in love and thanksgiving. If people really want to feel real love, they'll open the Book to any chapter, phrase, line and find that Your Word is love. You are love.

I watched Gad Elmaleh's standup comedy again tonight after having dinner with Kiki and Dali and that was tremendous fun. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe! I am in love and it sure does conquer all.

I've been meaning to tell You about this boy that I like but I think You're telling me to hold off on that for a while and that's exactly what I will do.

Give me the strength to live above the human realm and to know that You are my Protector, my Guide, and my Confidant.

Yours truly blessed

“Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, “leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."--Matthew 5:23-24

Bless!

Your turn, you know you want to... let go and let God!

And How Are You Today?

2007-02-14T02:33:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

How are You? I had a wonderful day today. OK, no, the truth is I slept really late and I couldn't get up this morning. I thought it would be a horrible day actually. I know You saw me pick up the phone to call Student Affairs to let them know that I won't be making it to lab today. Its just as well because the dude that picked up the phone didn't even bother to ask what was wrong with me. It's quite sad how people go along their lives without once looking outside of themselves to say something like, "hello, how are you doing, really?" and mean it. See, the thing about those 'how do you dos' is that they get us all irritated when they come too often no matter how sincere they may be. I have learnt to ask them meaningfully and as many times as I deem fit regardless of the possible irritation that may follow.

Yeah, so I called student affairs and dude didn't care why I wasn't going to lab today so I left that alone. I think somewhere deep down, I am still in need of a good cleansing crying session. I waited anxiously, and quite restlessly for mama to call me at some point today and when she didn't, I sent her a text message. She called. We spoke. I am really sorry Yeshua that I didn't put my all into the conversation. I didn't mean for it to happen and I definitely don't mean to worry her but my mind wandered far away. Everything she was telling me seemed to be a slight alteration of what really was. Oh well, I guess I'll find out someway somehow. Daddy got one of those tubes with a camera and a swab shoved down his throat yesterday. He called me a few hours after mama had called. Finally!

Speaking to him, he sounded so low. I know he didn't want to worry me but I could hear it in his voice. When I asked about how the procedure had gone, he said it was an 'experience'. This is why I am here with you tonight Yeshua. To thank you so very much for this 'experience' that you've put my daddy here on earth through. I thank you for the life You've given him thus far and more importantly, for the love You have put in his heart. I was moved so much when we started to talk about what he thinks of You. Now I don't agree with him in his thinking that Your goodness and Your presence has never reached, and is yet to arrive in black Africa, but the fact that he is thinking about You is a great start! I might have misunderstood him and he is actually on the right path but his acknowledgment of Your great works in his life blew my mind!

We also spoke about his insecurities as a father, a soldier, a civil servant and he realizes that You have been with him all this time. I pray that You put it in his heart to know that You will be faithful for eternity if he lets You in. I adore that man! In his emails that he sent me tonight, the subject read,

"GOD FULFILS PEOPLE'S DREAMS"

How wonderful! He is absolutely right! Daddy went on to list four of his seven dreams that have been achieved and are either fully successful or on their way to full implementation and I am awed by Your hand in this.

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;6 a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboreth?10 ¶ I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labor, it is the gift of God.14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past. -- Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

Surely You chose to use him so. And daddy's time is entirely in Your hands, so is mine, and all the good people reading this too! What You have put Your hand on shall not change because of man's doings. You are the author of our lives and You alone do I trust. At the end of the e-mail, my darling papa closed with this, "allow me to be your valentine." What a sweet sweet heart! He is in Your care and I do not doubt it one bit. All my previous fears and irrational thoughts are put behind me. He has shown me that to be a servant is to be obedient and to never tire no matter what physical issues one might have. I am grateful to You Yeshua, for the love of a father and the lessons You've brought me through him.

I also attempted to make 'our' space cosy and warm,change up the style and mark a new change in direction... or rather You welcoming me back to the path. You have blessed me in ways unimagineable and I hope You continue to shine Your favor on me. I especially pray, that You see the light of love in my heart for You!

I'd almost forgot, I wanted to pray that as Raylo Sweet Muwogo sends off his applications tomorrow, Your will (which was predetermined) be done. May he find the desires of his heart and may You lead him to a road of success through Vlerick.
Yours with thanks

**postscript** Thank you P for that hilariously funny but oh so you e-mail earlier tonight. I love you!

Bless!

How are you today, really?

E-mail me your prayer requests

Back When It was... Re-lit!

2007-02-13T00:29:00.000+01:00

Yeshua,

It's been a long while since I wrote you one of these. Actually, it's been months. I remember how well these worked out for both You and I. It's been quite a year really. The last one I mean, I won't try and write down everything that's happened because I know you already knew it before it all happened. It's for that reason that I am so grateful to have You in my life. Life is funny that way, at the times when I think I am farthest from You, I am reminded that You are the very reason I am still here. Last night, I had a beautiful epiphany. I was starting to think that with all that's going on inside of me, the fears of losing someone I dearly love, the stress of school, the hustle and bustle of life, I paused for a moment - or rather, You made me pause for a moment and step out of all the self pity and victimization. I realized then, as You once again wrapped me in Your loving embrace, that I hadn't written home in a while. It's always been fun and enjoyable to tell you about me, to tell you how much I love you, to thank you for the joy You've placed in my heart. It always brought me peace. Somewhere along the way, I started doing my own things and the daily love notes turned into weekly ones, then monthly and then they just disappeared altogether. Occasionally, I sent up a quick one to beg for You to get me out of some rut. But last night, last night was different. It was like the night You held me after Kaaka had left us. I then realized that I can do something for You*. I can do something for myself. Your help always carrying me through. I am so sorry that I stopped writing these letters. They really were our way of staying close. I am surprised that You even trusted me enough way back when I started writing them. I must have been 13 or something. Anyway, what I really mean to say is, thank You for yet another chance. I trust that this road will be easier to travel with You by my side, ahead of me, and at the end of the road too. I am committed to fulfilling Your will and being the pilgrim You made me to be.

There is so much I have and want to tell You! I don't even know where to start. It feels like I've become another person, or more specifically, it seems that I have caught myself in a transition to some other personality and I am not sure I like that other one I am crossing over to. I guess that's where You come in and show me that my blog (and my entire life) needs to be for an audience of One and if passersby notice, then it may be a blessing to them. It's taken me soooo long to understand that. I always thought that I was in the know regarding the way people work, what is expected of me, and my actions in the eyes of other people. LOL! Last year You shook up my world and put me back in my place like the great Teacher You are. The best thing about You though, is that once it's passed, confessed, and repented, it's forgotten. I am working on loosening myself from all the pain and anger so that I can quit wasting time frolicking around in circles when I should be going where You put in my heart to go.

"I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture."-- John 10:9.

It's only now that I am beginning to understand how much You love me and how You got me through all that I went through. My heart feels renewed and I am joyful in knowing that I am writing this without a care in the world because You my Love won't misunderstand me, ever! Thank You Yeshua.

On that note, I want to let You know that there is a great praise in my heart in thanks for the blessings You've showered upon me. I was with the girls all day today and they are something else! I am blessed to have them in my life. That dinner Momo made tonight was deliciozo! I couldn't stop glancing over at the toffee anxiously waiting for dessert to come. The banana flambe was amazing! That Momo is going to make the man You made for her really happy one day! Dali wasn't too well today. Her heart aches and I pray that she is able to hold on and heed Your comfort so that she may be able to love without relating such a beautiful emotion to so much pain.

Yeshua, I am trying really hard to put daddy in Your hands. I want to wholly believe that he is in Your complete care. It's really dumb of me to think otherwise because You've got the whole world in Your hands. Every single name, is written on Your hand... including mine and his!

I have written your name on My hand"--Isaiah 49:16

So I take that back... in remembering the above, I am confident that You are in control. I heard the Enrique Iglesias song he love so much at lunch today and I thought I was going to burst into tears but You were there to stop them from flowing, all is well! For my family, I give unending praise and gratitude. There is a reason they are a part of me. Only You would make such a perfect fit for each of us!

I thank You also for P, he has blossomed so much in the last month that I am convinced it's of Your doing. It feels great to finally hear him this way. For all the people that have kept me close their hearts whether they be near or far from me. Their love has transcended physical and geographical barriers and their prayers have gotten me through days of lowliness. Bless their souls! For those that despise and loathe me, may their hearts be cleansed of that hatred and replaced by a love never ending and unconditional through You!

I know this journey is bound to get rough and tiring at times but You've began to show me the ways in which I can cling more to You so it goes smoother. It's me and You now. You first always. Thank you for life, for love, for peace, and salvation... again and again.

Your loving daughter

*It occured to me that I spend a lot of time on this blog so some things are going to change... long walks have found their absolute definition, the Pilgrim has found her compass and she is following true!

Bless!

Psychotic?

2007-02-11T18:56:00.001+01:00

<----Is this the face of a person who is slowly losing her mind?

I discovered a genuis of a comedian yesterday. I woke up feeling a little sad and tired. I didn't go to sleep until 5am that morning because my heart sometimes wants to communicate to my brain but there is a block there so I spend hours upon hours trying to figure things out. Often it happens that my heart doesn't get through to my brain and in the end, I erupt with tears of frustration that later turn out very therapeutic. Anyway, so I woke up to a call from Momo. I was actually desperately hoping it was mama but it wasn't. Momo wanted to check in on me. She had that kinda voice that said, I don't know what to say to you but I am here. You know, the kinda call that comes with a few corny but very well intentioned jokes just so you can brighten up someone's day. I assured her that I was well and that I would be staying indoors. Didn't feel like going outside much. It was gloomy anyway. My internet connection was still breaking up at unpredictable times and I desperately needed something to keep me occupied. So, being me, the next thing on the list was cleaning. Let me tell you, I didn't do the normal routine clean of changing the sheets, sweeping the floor, dusting table tops and aerating the rooms. No, I went all out, I pulled all my clothes out of the closet, hung them up in an orderly fashion separating the casual clothing from the not so casual. I then went to my drawers and pulled everything out of there and folded it, putting it back into sections of things I wear everyday and things I wear occasionally. I dusted off all my shoes, rearranged my toiletteries, folded my scarfs, head scarfs, and shawls, tackled my jewellery boxes and put everything in order. All this was being done while watching over laundry sessions that I needed to keep changing. I then swept the floor, changed the sheets on my bed, and polished the wooden floor in the bedroom. I did it all with a scary interest that had me totally absorbed in only what I was doing at the time. Polishing the floor was so much fun I decided to do the same for the entire apartment. But not before rearranging my bookshelf, taking out the trash, wiping down the kitchen tiles, and sweeping through the rest of the apartment. Before I got to the bathroom, Kiki called excitedly to tell me that her and Momo were coming over. I told her that it wouldn't be necessary, I was fine. "I know you E," she said, " fine to you is something else." There was no quick way to get out of this one so I said, "bring some ice cream then!"

A few minutes later, Momo was buzzing from downstairs and she walked into the apartment with a shocked look on her face. "Go look in my closet!" I yelled excitedly. If I'd done all this work, I better get some acknowledgement for it! "Whoa!, It's sparkling in here!" (This story is getting boring as I tell it so I can't even imagine what it's doing to you!) To cut a long story short, the girls thought I'd lost my natural mind or that I'd been taken over by some alien colony that convinced me to polish the floors and carry on with my cleaning as they stood over me, looking on helplessly. I believe Kiki was thinking that this must have been a manifestation of some psychotic characteristic. To tell you the truth, I had wanted to stay alone with my nostril stinging cleaning chemicals and India Arie's voice blaring through the apartment as I got lost in the lyrics and scrubbed like my life depended on it. But there was no turning back now. I cut my bathroom session short and sat down for the movie Momo had brought with her. I hadn't expected anything much from it, in fact I thought it would be a little uncomfortable to try and enjoy the movie but boy was I wrong. We settled down, called Planet Sushi, placed our orders and started the movie. I cannot explain to all anglophone readers how funny Gad Elmahel is but I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt and my eyes teared. I absolutely needed that! In the end, I was really grateful the girls had come over. If you do speak french or understand a little bit of it, please check out his stuff, It's really worth watching.

Today I woke up at 11am again. I need to sleep early tonight so I can feel well rested for the week... I didn't do much but some good news did come in. Kiki's sister Jen got engaged!! I am really happy for her. It was funny because Kiki sounded like she was the one getting married with her 'Let's drink champagne to celebrate!' self. I am waiting on a call from daddy. I can't wait to hear his voice. I miss him terribly.

**Thank you Rocket for Saturday. You were great! I love you munonga munonga nka bogoya! And much much love to my darling BC family. All is well with bestie, worry not and thanks for being there. Gros bisous a tous!

Listening to:
Another Again - John Legend
Wonderful -India Arie
Superstar - Floetry
Wings of Forgiveness- India Arie

Bless!

My one,

2007-02-11T04:33:00.000+01:00

This is the second time I attempt to write this letter and yet the words do not flow any easier. I guess tomorrow is here and faith has brought me to this point in love. We met and loved in a quick almost childish way and at the same time took leaps of enormous, courageous growths together. For the most part, I was the child and you were the patient adult warning me that the world isn't alway perfect and the right things don't always happen. I look back on those times and find myself immensely content with the relationship we have shared to this day. Of course things did get a bit messy and I am not sure you ever knew how much I wanted you to let me in until afterwards. I do not think that you caught all the times I cried over the phone as you said the often sad views you had of yourself or of the world. One thing never changed though, you were always there to listen to me and you always offered some sort of advice and it didn't matter if I took it or not, you still made me laugh (whenever I could dig through the sarcarsm and cynicism of it all). I loved the way you said my name everytime you said goodnight. I loved the little phrase you said just before that, 'Angels around your bed and God bless you'. I loved that you made an effort to see through me and believe my beliefs even though I knew it was hard for you at the time. No one has created a bond such as ours in my short life.

I know that you will still call me every first day of the year to wish me a happy birthday. Even when the phones are crazily messed up as is custom in our dear country of origin around public holidays, you still make it through a few minutes earlier or a few minutes later. Just to say you love me and you hope my year is good. It's funny how we have come to know and understand each other on levels that are incomprehensible even to ourselves. I know you'll probably say I have changed and it used to bug me when you said that but now I realize that change is not always a bad thing. In fact, I think you are realizing it too, at this point in your life. It seems like we switched roles and I am now the listener. I honestly don't mind hearing you talk forever. (As long as I get ice cream breaks ;-) You are the one man mama didn't get to know that I have dated and I so wish you could have met her. I still hope that one day you will. I want her to see the soul of a being so loving. You love to the point that it hurts... I know this so don't try to deny it. I am taken by the way you invest so much into what you have. I guess you learnt a lot too from the time we were together.

The rain still makes me think of you. When it pours hard, I am comforted by the fact that if you were here, you would enjoy it as much as I am. Our love has spiralled from romantic to obsessive to painful to distant to realistic. And now it's just love. Bare and simple, stripped down to the basics. Love. There are still some things that you need to know about me and they will come out in their time. And there are things that you have shared with me that made me love you even more. Not just for having the courage to share them with me, but also because you chose me to be first on any inside scoops. For some of these things I feel like I will be the only one to get that scoop. What better way to make a girl feel special?

It's a bit strange that I love you this much and yet I am not jealous. I have a trust in you that many people have failed to earn. As much as I am aware of your spontaneity and love for surprising me (as you have suggested from past talks) I feel like you'd never leave me hanging. Heck, you better not think about it because you owe me enough for my entire lifetime. lol. We have a trip coming up soon and I know for some reason it's going to be one of the best moments I'll ever have. Even without going anywhere, it will be highly ranked in my mind. Because I am comfortable with you and all your flaws and strengths (believe me, you have quite a few of those too!). The most amazing thing about us though is that we are not any different from the next person and everything seems ordinary but our souls reach out to each other with the simplicity that only souls know and which (wo)men find extraordinary. You think that I am your ray of sunshine, your morning bird, your rainbow after the storm, your shangri la but you see my love, you were sent to touch my soul and make it conscious to the abundance of love that lay within.

So here we are, after the long story... boy met girl, boy left, girl found boy and girl had to leave. Apart but girl never left boy... boy will find girl again soon. Whether it's me or not, I'll live with the satisfaction that I loved and always will. In which case it will really suck for my future life partner to read this but, I have more than a hunch that he'll be grateful to you if anything. After all these words, I can't help but think of Jason Mraz's You and I both lyrics that sum up most of what I feel for you. You are my One now, in five years when we might possibly have significant others, in fifteen when we might be parents if the latter worked out, or in twenty when boy will meet girl again and maybe then, the story will go a little differently after all we will have shared.

Yours Always

E

Reaching out...

2007-02-10T02:38:00.000+01:00

I can't seem to get a proper internet connection at home so I'm using my phone to blog. It's 2:40am and i got home almost two hours ago.Blood diamond was frighteningly touching.. I couldn't stop thinking to myself, 'but they're only children..' Superstar has been on repeat for almost an hour. I thought about daddy a lot this week. It's one of those moments that I want to know that everything is OK or that it will be. I might get to see him sooner than I thought. It's almost crazy how God takes away all our defense mechanisms so we focus on the more important things. I'm out of ice cream and I need to tell my daddy that I love him. Life is short and love is not earned, it's always deserved. We are all God's children. yes, daddy is my superstar! and my love is true! Soon as my internet is functioning, i'll post that love letter I talked about yesterday. until then, bless and be blessed!

ah... alas, it was never meant to be

2007-02-09T01:26:00.000+01:00

I started to write a beautiful love letter and then blogger played me so I am going to rethink that open letter to the one I love.... guess it wasn't meant to be P. LOL. much love and blessings all! Maybe tomorrow... or when technology decides to accept my confessions.

Bless!

woohoo! my slideshow works!

2007-02-08T16:35:00.000+01:00

YAY!! I finally got that slideshow to work and to load onto this monster called the wide world web... check it out HERE

Sorry in advance for the length (a whole five minutes!) and also for the sound that I was hoping wouldn't turn out so crappy. Anyhows, enjoy the loves of my life!! Many are missing but it's only because I a) didn't know how they'd feel about me broadcasting them to the world or b)didn't have any recent photos of them.

Gotta run to class now, Energy and the Environment can be SO boring so I am giving myself ample time to run through the newspaper stand and find me something good to read. Oh, I might not blog tonight because I am going to watch Blood Diamond but maybe I shouldn't speak too soon...

Bless!

Perfect Match?

2007-02-07T22:21:00.000+01:00

I've been feeling quite the 'interested-in-love-girl' and although it's a healthy curiosity, it has shown me other small and rather annoying things about myself. Not too long ago, I was so swept by the idea of meeting my crush and actually giving the whole relationship thing a go but after analyzing the whole situation, I saw [un]fortunately that I was the only one who wanted things to happen the way they do in the movies. Okay, in his defense, let's just say he didn't speak to me enough about the things he should have and now his chances of getting to me are just as good as any other man walking down the street. I seriously think it's because my sister is getting married soon that I am even contemplating settling down. Actually, I take that back. It's a lot of things. I am almost done with Uni, I have to move back home and start doing something, my sister is getting married, my cousins all have significant others and they too plan to marry in the next five or so years and that can only mean that the entire clan will be left with me to give away. I can just imagine it. After countless well intentioned but unsuccessful matchmaking interventions by the aunties I am 35 and every girl is gone from the house. My little brothers are bringing in girls for our parents to approve of and I am still by mama's side with no man and only my career and 'kids' (the kids I will be working with will also double as my own children). The truth is, I do not want to be that woman still spending half of my life hanging out with mama. Don't get me wrong, I will probably steal a couple of my work hours away to go chill and lounge with my very funny and loveable mother but I have a more than a hunch that she'll be busier with her garden and her grandchildren.

As I vented and huffed at my girlfriend the other day. I told her I wasn't meeting up with 'crush' over springbreak. I still don't see the point of making such a trip and the person I am going to see showed not an inkling of interest before I mentioned my going to see him. I mean, chatting on msn is cool and everyone can do that but why he can't pick up a phone to call me is incomprehensible. Yeah, maybe I am asking too much of him but really, don't friends call each other now and then? Anywho, I decided this past weekend that my springbreak would be spent elsewhere with my girlfriends, having an amazing time. I just learnt that we will be one short because Dali might go to meet Bruh's mum. See? How can I not pay attention to having a beautiful tall man by my side when everyone is getting serious? To tell you the truth, I am not terrified out of my skull that I won't find the one but I think that it would be quite nice to have him around like now. This is what led me to those annoying and random things I mentioned way at the top there. I had a mental run through of all the guys I have dated or been in a relationship with (essentially the same thing for me) and I was sad to find that a lot of them had a depressed side to them. In fact, I can only think of three who were completely outgoing, totally problem free, and lived their lives blissfully without a care in the world. Needless to say, those three are the ones that helped me explore emotions that were happy and carefree. The other guys, and I apologize in advance because I know one of them is bound to read this here, were great people but they just wouldn't stop being sad. Being the stubborn I-think-I-can-change-my-man-with-love-girl, I told myself that if I stuck it out long enough to show them that I cared, our relationship would blossom and I would finally call what I had a long term relationship that was leading some place where the sun never stopped shining and the water was forever flowing. No, there is no such place so far. The smiles turned into frowns into tears and then the little voice said 'I want out' so I left. Each time.

Now I find myself wondering if I am attracted to a particular personality. Is there a part of me that needs to be there for the other person? Does that explain why I have ended up with wonderfully beautiful souls who never saw the blessing in them? I don't know. Maybe or maybe not. Whatever it is, I have decided that it would be nice to try and sneak out these little primers. The next time I start to get attached to someone, I must not only make sure I am in check but they too should have their stuff right. For the purposes of procreation anyway. I shall not even think twice about going some place with a guy whose most used words are 'lousy, sad, melancholic, tired, depressed, fed up... etc' On the other hand, I will jump at the opportunity to spend some time with the fellow that smiles all the time, laughs at himself sometimes, is willing to listen to how my day went and doesn't do it to compare it with his and then convince me how hard his life is. One that doesn't care that his job is stressing him, because when he is around me, everything somehow seems lighter and better. Yeah, I am done with the listening to sad stories and acting as an emotion booster. I am already preparing myself to enter a profession where all I do is listen to people's issues so I better not have any of that when I am off duty.

I was hoping that rambling on about boys and love would allow me to load the slideshow I made yesterday so I could stick it in this post but it's not working fast enough... maybe later.

Bless!

Hmm!

2007-02-07T02:29:00.000+01:00

I just spent a truck load of time on a slideshow that I am not even sure I am going to show anybody...

Les Escapades de Cergy

2007-02-05T00:44:00.000+01:00

I held a little girl yesterday and it was the most satisfying thing I've done in the last three weeks. It was almost melancholy. I didn't want to let her go. Her name is Ornella and she is a beautiful gem. She had the softest skin, the cutest little feet and curious eyes. I wasn't expecting her. In fact, I really didn't want to see her dad (we will call him T) because I was really mad at him for being such a shady character but as life would have it, all the 'anger' in the world couldn't stop me from carrying a humongous smile the minute I saw him walk into Bruh's apartment with a baby in his arms. T and I didn't exchange much conversation and the reasons for that, you are about to read. I was in Cergy on Saturday for a barbeque/dinner that Dali was hosting. That morning, I woke up to the sound of Kirk Franklin's Sunshine and Dali's voice on the other end. "Wake up! We're meeting at Etoile at 11!" The plan was to get out of our cozy beds at 10am on a Saturday morning, rush to the metro, head out to Cergy where we were going to do the groceries and start cooking to be ready for the guests arriving at 5pm.

As fate would have it, all four of us, Dali, Kiki, Fabz and yours truly, are women who have no sense of time management. I was awake an hour before we were meant to meet but I remembered that I had to go by the post office and get some money out and waiting in line at a French post office could possibly be the most annoying thing there is to do. Other than having a French waiter snob you just because you made one little grammatical error or because your accent wasn't just right. I stood in line alternately looking at my ticket and at the time and knowing that this time, Dali was on time and that she'd throw a fit if we didn't get to the metro soon. I got my money, rushed over to Etoile only to find that Kiki hadn't arrived there yet. It was now 1pm, two hours after we'd agreed to start our one hour journey out of Paris.

Kiki joined us just in time to catch the next train out. The ride was long but entertaining. We got to Cergy St. Cristophe and walked out into a closing flea market. It felt surreal, like I was back home again. I was excited because this stop has the best chicken sandwiches ever. The restaurant is called French Chicken House or something real close to that. We didn't even bother to talk about how we were going to quickly carry out our tasks, we headed straight for the little fast food restaurant and ordered our meals. When we were done, we headed to Bilal, an Indian 'supermarket' that held foods from all parts of India and the rest of the world, and conveniently had half of the shop containing afro hair products. FYI, these far out suburbs of Paris mostly have African residents so it was no surprise that an Indian store had afro foods and products in it. We then took one more short train ride to Cergy Le Haut where the dinner was to be held. We got down to business and started chopping, peeling, stuffing, and marinating various food items.

About an hour later, the buzzer went off and T came in with a baby in his hands. Now, I think this would be a good time to tell his story. He is a man I met a few weeks before Christmas break that swore up and down that he loved me and was fascinated by me. He texted me everyday from the moment he got my number and we even saw each other a couple of times. The only thing he had managed to conceal from me but I still knew of was that he had a baby, and was still living with the mother of the child. According to him, she was just like a roommate because things hadn't been going well for over two years. That wasn't a typo, you read right, they've been in the same house, have a child together but he said then that he'd been looking for a new apartment to live in and all the other wonderfully amusing lies men come up with. Anyway, so he stopped writing me about two weeks before I left for home and it didn't bother me at all. I took it as a sign to show me how confused and not together his whole stint was. I went home, had a great time and returned refreshed and nearly clueless that he ever existed. When I saw Dali for the first time after the break, she told me that T had called her in NY on New Years Day asking whether we were together and she reminded him that I am in UGANDA, the place where I come from and would obviously be going back to for my holidays. When I heard that, I was annoyed that he'd have the nerve to act like we'd been talking regularly before I'd left but I brushed it off. Now, almost a two months later, I had to forget that I was annoyed by his antics and the only thing that did it was the baby in his arms.

I didn't expect the negative feelings to up and leave so quickly but I was too preoccupied with little Ornella to care for what he was saying. We made some small talk and then he left but I wanted to keep holding the baby. Cooking resumed, the guests slowly started coming in and the party was picking up. The only slightly worrying thing was that we hadn't finished with the cooking. Dali made it her duty to look over everything she'd assigned us to do rather than start the grilled chicken she was supposed to make. The inconveniences of living in French apartments limited us to two hot plates so not much was going on the stove. We did however manage to pull it off and our guests enjoyed a dinner of chicken samosas for entrees, saffron rice, fried sweet plantain, green plantain with a garlic lemon sauce a la Cubaine/ Dominicaine, pineapple chicken (made by yours truly), and the poor curry potatoes that didn't make it to the table on time. The entire night was fun filled and the night was clear although a little cold. Everyone enjoyed themselves and ate plenty. We had an apple tart and a coconut mousse cake with caramel for dessert. I was pleased by the male guests for their behavior. The last time we had one of these, it was a complete disaster. Proclamations of love were shooting at us girls left right and center. It was not attractive at all. I think this time was different because I refused to give my number to any of the men at the dinner and I spent 3/4s of the night cleaning up after everyone else. No wonder I was so tired and sleepy after all of that.

Because it was so late, the metro had stopped running so we had to find other ways to get back into Paris. We had stupidly assumed that Wills would bring us back like he did the last time since he had a car. Unfortunately, Mr. Wills decided to stand by his countrymen so we were left with the options of sharing a cab back to Paris and risking a fare of 75euros between the five of us or waiting until 5am to ride the metro back. It turned out that one of the guys I had refused to give my number had a car and just needed to pick it up a little way off if he was going to drop us. It turns out, his incetive for dropping us off was getting my number. Before he left to pick up his car, he came outside on the terrace and sleazily said, "Don't forget, your number!!" I promise you that I felt a chill run down my spine and it wasn't the good kind and neither was it a result of the cold weather. I faked a smile and nodded my head. Yeah right, like I was really going to give him my number!

He came back, we got into the car, drove silently to Paris after an hour, we were on the Champs Elysees. There was no way we were letting him take us to our respective homes. Who knows what kind of crazy people are out there appearing normal and kind only to show up at your doorstep one night and act straight crazy! Anyway, because the Champs Elysees always has cars going up and down, it wasn't possible to stop and have a long conversation, exchange phone numbers etc and I knew this before I smiled smugly at his earlier proposal. I jumped out of the car, gave him the customary French biz (two kisses on the cheek) and thanked him for the ride into Paris. And off I went to hail a cab that was only a few feet away from his car. And that was the end of my long day/night.

I crept into my bed after a long shower, watched a few episodes of One Tree Hill and fell asleep. Today I woke up and cleaned the apartment, ordered some speed rabbit pizza and ice cream and got my grub on. It is now time for me to pray for a smooth week, and sleep psyched knowing that God has everything in His control.

Bless!

I Love you But...

2007-02-02T23:44:00.000+01:00

"Knowing love, I can allow all things to come and go, to be as supple as the wind and to face all things with great courage.My heart is a open as the sky"

Over the last two years, I have noticed that people around me say, "I love him/her but..." A LOT. When I first heard this line, I think it was said by Dali, or one of my other girlfriends, I didn't understand what they meant but I nodded in agreement with a convincing, straight face to assure them that I knew exactly what they were talking about. I lied. I hadn't the faintest clue what it meant to love someone but...

I have since been irked by the thought that someone can claim to love and have reservations at the same time. I don't know what it is about me but I like to believe that once you love, you will always love and despite the faults and flaws of the person to whom this love is directed, there will never be a sway in your feelings towards them. Which explains more or less my ability to stick closer than white on rice to the people my heart has taken a liking to. No, not just a liking, but a consuming desire to care for that person regardless of what they do to me or to themselves. I am unable to add that dreadful 'but' at any of my 'I love yous'. It might not come as a surprise to you then if I say that I believe in the passion kinda love

There are days when I think that I will never find My One and then there are weeks, months, years when I live a daily conscious celebration of the people that constantly relight the fire of love as pure as I have known it in this short life of mine. There are the ones that have been with me for a really long time and theirs is a warmth that has kept my heart from breaking, a support that's mended it when it cracked even a little bit. And then there's family, the ones that God chose for me, and whom I would never even think about changing if the choice was ever possible. Love engulfs me, it comes in forms of permanence and other times, it floats gleefully around me like a beautiful firefly in the dark night or birds in a distance singing me pied piper-like folk tales that often have me cracking up to the point of cracked ribs.

What am I getting at really? I am saying that love is love. God is love. There are no buts with God so why should there be any doubts with love? To love is to know God. To love is to be aware of something else other than yourself. 1 Corinthians 13 speaks of Love. A lot of people quote this great scripture but I often wonder if they truly believe or understand what they read from it. The Orignal King James Version uses the word charity in place of other translation's use of the word love. I think KJV encompassed the greater meaning of love. It doesn't complicate it or make it abstract.

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; Love is patient, it doesn't rush anyone or anything for it's own short term benefit. It is tolerant of the dissimilar characteristics of those we love. It is of good nature and would never go ahead and yell that nasty remark that you know is going to hurt him/her just because he/she hurt you before. It is not cruel and will not make you beg, it will not play games with you or your feelings. Charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up; Love does not have anything to be envious of for it is sufficient. It is not boastful because it is secure. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Love wins always. Loves is everywhere, and conquers even the coldest of hearts. If love itself believes all things, is patient, kind, and all these things, how can one partially love? If you give of yourself, you give your whole self. Why sit there and hold onto something so beautiful so selfishly? I do not and doubt that I ever will understand what it means to love...but.

I don't know what's brought on this little focus on love, maybe valentine's day is nearing and love is in the air, or maybe love has always been a part of me and it seeps into every thought I have. It pulls me quickly out of shady dark alleys and draws me back to the bright lit curbsides. Closer to the bustling traffic but right under the glaring street lights. Dangerous but so much fun. The way I see it, I have nothing to lose and always something/someone to carry along with me in my heart for the rest of my life.

Blessed to have another moment, some more time spent... blessed to love...

Bless!

Do I have a type? Apparently not...

2007-02-01T23:44:00.000+01:00

I spent almost five hours of my day reading this blog and I found myself realizing slowly but very surely, that I have never really been on the kind of dates I read about. It seems to me that I am always just meeting a friend to do things that I can do with all my other friends. It's weird to think about it that way, but it's true. I can go to the movies with just about anyone, I can go to eat with anyone... wait, change that never to almost never. I don't know what ex-boyfriends might be reading this right now and thinking, "that little ungrateful woman!" I was particularly intrigued by this post but I digress.

The point of all this I guess is that I kinda came up with who would qualify as a successful candidate to date. Well, the thing that must go without saying is that I must have a great attraction to the man's mind, body, and soul(believing in the same almighty God I believe in and faith to match if not stronger). A complete package, because then any sane person might ask, why would you say yes to a date anyway? Surprisingly, there are several people I know that casually date, even when they know the guy doesn't have the slimmest chance of moving up the ladder to that 'significant other' status. I have been that person maybe two or three times and it didn't take me long to understand that I just wasn't cut out to lead people on, especially when I am not interested in anything more than friendship. Anywho, that's my first criterion.

I have a tendency to go for tall, beautiful men who are punctuated with tuareg-like features; striking facial features, small, thin noses, shapely white eyes, high cheek bones, full lips, and strong white, perfectly straight teeth. Long necks, not quite too lanky but not buff either... a certain indescribable grace in their body structure. {In the process of putting this blog together, I came across parts of a wikipedia stub on Fred Rwigema that annoyed me. Why in the world the people at wikipedia would allow for every Tom Dick and Nyabirama to edit information is totally beyond me... but that's another blog for another time.} Moving along, this Mr. Made-just-for-me would also have to have a brilliant personality. At least brilliant enough to keep me engrossed in every word he speaks, and observant of his every gesture, however simple it may be.

I really can't continue this attempt at creating a type because 1) the idea of me sitting still on a first date with someone and going through with it, no matter how fine, captivating, or handsome he is does not exactly spring up in my otherwise very imaginative mind, 2)the idea of trying to make someone up on paper is getting confusing with all the beautiful men I admire... I can't exactly be bent on finding a man with the exact mindset as Che, the positivity of Bob Marley, the philanthropic ways of my father, the literary artistry of Paulo Coelho,and the love of God; 3) the list is already looking quite disastrous, 4) that wikipedia stub disrupted my 'flow'.

On that note... this blog is to be continued when and if I do find it necessary to blog about the kind of man I want in my life. It is of my semi-experienced opinion that it doesn't really matter how much you write/talk/sing about the perfect guy, what will happen will happen and if your eyes are open, and you wait patiently on love, it will find you, and he will be right.

Special Shouts to My NINJA BIRTHDAY BOY {sorry, I meant MAN}
Super Special prayer for my Kamonde: This too Shall Pass sistren!

Bless!

Don't Invite me - I am not Kosher!

2007-01-31T11:35:00.000+01:00

Afghani food is great. I loved it last night. I was at a dinner for a friend's 22nd birthday. The food was rich and tasty and had several varieties in textures and tastes. I even managed to eat veggies with pleasure. I wish I could say the same about the rest of the dinner party. You see, before my friend invited us for this get together, she warned us that she would have two different celebrations of her birth. One was to be a 'kosher' gathering, and the other was to be a not so kosher get together. When the four of us asked which party we would be invited to, she replied, "well, both!" I don't know that this sat very well with me and I was right for being a bit weary on several accounts. This all did not prepare me for the actual dinner we had last night at an Afghani restaurant in Paris 18eme.

Momo and I got there earlier than everyone else so we secured a corner for ourselves with the hopes that Dali, Kiki, and Bruh would arrive shortly after to fill up the spaces directly besides us. Thinking that the odds of that happening was like expecting the sun to come out again at midnight. As is custom for both Kiki and Dali, they were an hour late so by the time they got to the restaurant, we were through speech one (yes, the birthday girl gave partial speeches after every stage of the meal). I was stuck in between a German/Austrian couple, and Momo was on my other side. She in turn was sandwiched between me and a pleasant Egyptian lady. It wasn't a bad thing in itself to be sitting where we were but we were meeting these people for the first time really, aside from the usual glances on campus of course. I started out with a positive outlook, thinking, sure I will start a conversation and genuinely inquire of things I would like to know about them but when the time came for that, there was a gap in language. I would ask one question, and if I was lucky to be answered, a completely irrelevant answer would follow, that is if I was lucky enough to not have a totally new question fired off at someone across the table. The rest of the party arrived and we ended up being 14 in total.

Then the history lesson commenced. We were in Afghanistan 101. Our professor, the birthday girl, started off with a brief introduction to Afghani art, that was right after thanking us for being there with her to celebrate her 22 years of life. After her short introductory phrases, she asked us to introduce ourselves and say something small about where we are from and why we chose Paris of all places to live. I am not sure you read that right, she asked us to introduce ourselves, our nationalities, and our reasons for being in paris. This was a birthday dinner for crying out loud! And round the table we went like the obedient students we all want to be in a university lecture room on the first day of class.

"Hi, my name is Jovialjitterz and I am from Uganda, I have been here in Paris for four years, and I graduate in May. I chose Paris because it wasn't America" - interruption from the Austrian -

"But why Paris, you could have been in Canada, England, anywhere, why Paris?"

*Oh no, he didn't just ask me to validate my reason!* I thought.

"Well, I gave a reason, that's not enough?" I replied, glancing over at Dali's gleeful smirk at the other end of the table, she was enjoying this but also feeling my irritation.

The ball kept rolling, "Hi, I am ... from ...," after the fourth person, I zoned out.

Was it wrong of me to do that? I couldn't think of anything else to say to any of these people. I started wondering when Momo's fever would come up so I could take her home. We ate. I wandered into the different conversations surrounding me, smiling and nodding as I drifted right out of them. Eventually, I excused myself to go to the ladies and when I came back, I plopped myself right beside Bruh, who was having a party of his own in a little corner of the room. "Ca va?" I asked him with a grin on my face. "Oui," he replied with the same knowing grin. It was almost 11pm and dinner was wrapping up. In the end, clusters of people had formed around conversations of interest. I, of course, was in the Momo, Dali, Kiki, Bruh, and Adam cluster and I only remember laughing a whole lot. On the other end, corporate discussions ensued as political arguments brewed. I wanted to go home to my nice, warm bed and say a small prayer before I stumbled into a peaceful sleep.

I went to that dinner with the sole objective of making sure the birthday girl had a great time. And I think she did. I, on the other hand, left a little bit perplexed. I did not understand, for the life of me, what kosher and none-kosher meant to her. Yes, I will occasionally have my crazy side creep out of me and I will laugh as if no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, and talk freely. That is me on most days. Crazy and completely under control at the same time. However, these things will be toned down at a working dinner for example, or at a conference. There is a time and a place for everything and I walked out into the fresh Paris night reminding myself that I am who I am and that uncomfortable situations such as the one that had just passed were avoidable. Maybe I would have been better off at the none-kosher do but at that moment, while saying our goodbyes, the one thing that I did want, was to be alone.

Momo and I caught a cab back to my place and the taxi driver livened our spirits a little. The Afghani restaurant, where the kosher dinner was held, is ironically based in the red-light district of Paris. So, for a cab driver, two young women of African descent hailing a cab to the other side of town at 11.45pm had prostitute written all over it. He kept reffering to us as bella senoritas and told us how he'd just brought back one of our friends to the 18th from the 7th. Apparently she had had some luck with a 'petit copain' (boyfriend). I tried to explain that we were not ladies of the night, but he laughed and said, 'well, good for her (his previous customer), she did her job tonight.' He seemed like a pleasant old man but nothing I could say or do would make him believe otherwise so we ended up talking about cycling by the beach during the summer for the rest of the 20 minute drive back to my apartment. I suppose he believed us when he saw me take out my keys and walk into the building. I was thoroughly relieved to be back to a more stable, and comfortable environment. I made Momo some lemon and ginger tea and turned on House for her. While she soothed her aching body, I took a shower. We slept well and I am happy that she feels much better today. The little lessons we learn in life are priceless, that, I am more sure of with each passing hour.

Completely unrelated but worth mentioning, if ever you think you have caught malaria and need to get yourself tested in France, the only place I know of is Institut Pasteur in the 15th. What I found outrageous was that you must have a prescription before you get yourself tested for malaria, HIV, Hepatitis A,B,C, and D. I am not quite sure of E but it didn't say anything about it on the posters I saw in there. Momo thought she might have had malaria so we showed up at the Hospital at around 5pm and the receptionist told us very politely that the doctor's offices were closed for the day and that they couldn't do a malaria test without a prescription! She continued to advise that if Momo felt feverish that night, she shouldn't hesitate to call the emergency room and get treatment. Now, how in the world is she going to get treated for something she needs a prescription to test for?? Mind you, Institut Pasteur was the only one listed as being capable of running a malaria test, among other tropical diseases. Ah, the joys of being an African in Europe!

I am off to senior seminar now. Have yourselves a good one!

Bless!

Too Tired to Rant... Never too Tired to Chuckle

2007-01-30T01:02:00.000+01:00

George Galloway just may be any journalist's worst nightmare as an interviewee but the clip below made my entire day! There are so many things that poor Anne (whatever her surname is ) did wrong. Her journalism professor, if he/she still lives must have been shaking his head and sucking so hard at his dentures, or maybe turning in his grave. Watch for yourself.

While journalists over at Sky News were ill-prepared, and Rupert Murdoch cared only for maximum profit for his fast growing empire of lie-transmission, there was one woman at the White House who was prepared and asked exactly the right question and Mr. President, who else but George W. Bush, had his tongue caught in his mouth. I bet he was wondering why that question wasn't on his nightly interviews and press releases! It's a sad thing to see our world this way but I won't deny it, there is an magnificent element of humour in all of this. Unless of course I am channeling some anger and rage into resigned laughter.

But tell me please, didn't you chuckle to yourself as you watched the video?

Oh what a wonderful thing to go to sleep knowing that the world is in the leadership of such responsible men! Lord Help Us!

Bless!

Help, too much HOUSE!

2007-01-28T21:20:00.000+01:00

Last night was a serious eye opener for me. I spent half the night/early morning online chatting with about six very close friends (and those are hard to come by when one's msn list has seen radical changes in the last twelve months) and at least four of these friends were seeking genuine attention. I found myself wondering what friendship means to me again. This wasn't the first time I'd been faced with the question. It turns out, that I still believe that friendship consists of being there for someone when they desperately need you. It might not come as big news to all you readers out there but it is for me. It feels great to feel again. I know what it's like to not care because I pushed myself to a point of not really caring and as a result, I think that my ability to 'feel' has taken on a physical aspect. My Nanou, the ex that lost his father this weekend, was one of the friends that I chatted with. It broke my heart to read that his father had been infected with the virus that causes Parkinson's disease while having his appendix removed. Of course Nanou was upset and he needed to vent, and I couldn't tell him, 'sorry babe, now's not a good time, I have Pri in the other window telling me about how she was conned by her boyfriend and now she's in legal and financial crap'. I found myself listening to intense, worrying, and truly sad stories but I couldn't leave. I didn't want to leave. I was the one person all these friends trusted with their issues and I was determined to be there for them. It might not have helped a whole lot but I can confidently say that they all smiled at a thing or two, and that a load was taken off their shoulders in sharing with me. Talking to these blessed souls, I felt refreshed in the area of trust. Something I have been trying to push to the back of my mind these last few months.

I also chatted with my not so secret crush. It was possibly the second best chat we've had in a long time. I don't know what it is about him but he makes me feel warm inside. He had me smiling so big last night that I surprised myself. You know those really wide grins that make your cheeks ache? It was one of those. I laughed out loud too (not that I don't usually laugh hysterically at the things I read off the computer screen) but he said something like, 'I'm going to strike the iron while it's hot' and the metaphor, although cute, was insanely funny to me. Who says that and expects understanding? When I asked what temperature the iron was at, he replied, 'warm'. I guess something has to turn hot before the confessions are made but until then, I am enjoying this huge smile I have when I think of him. If all goes well, I get to see him at the end of next month. I should stop before I reveal too much and I have to come back here sobbing and ranting about how things didn't work out. Until further notice, that little man down there knows and appreciates a woman's love! And yes, I am also trying to show off my bed linen from the IKEA shopping spree.

I spent perhaps half of the entire weekend watching House, I am in love with that show. It is sometimes too graphic for me and it is at those times that I wonder what I was thinking when I was bent on the idea that I can actually be a doctor. While I enjoy the show so much, it is not a great one to watch if you have mild hypochondriac tendencies like myself. Every little pain or stitch is now possibly linked to a certain episode I watched. Never mind that Dr. House only deals with extremely rare diagnoses. I am nearing the end of season 3 so I have to find something else to pass my time but that might not be neccessary since school is beginning to be hectic.

Speaking of school, I have an obituary to write for my Journalism class, that, should prove highly interesting. We are meant to take a person that currently lives, and write a death notice/obituary for them. I don't know who my person is going to be but I have a hunch it will be George W Bush. That way I can have a little fun with the piece. I didn't know that famous figures had obituaries already written for them. Apparently, several heads of state and other important people have files filled with constantly updated obituaries so that when they do pass away, the Associated Press has something to use quickly and swiftly in order to save very precious time. How interesting! Yasser Arafat's obituary was written and updated several times long before he died. Word on the 'media' street is that Fidel Castro's obituary is being touched up, unfortunately, with a quickness that can only be compared to lightning.

I have a dry throat, feels scratchy, like sand paper has been used to scrape my insides, and my nose is congested. It doesn't feel comfortable at all but I am getting by. It was a lot better today. This blogging thing isn't as captivating as it once was but I'll stick to it and see where it takes me. Solitude is elusive. I can't wait to be with my family again. In the meantime, I'll cope the best I know how. I might be a little bit Obsessive Compulsive, unless there's another explanation for cleaning surfaces and vacuuming every two to four hours. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! How's that for random?

Super blogs I've come across lately:
http://jdidthoughts.blogspot.com/
http://sapodilla.blogspot.com/
http://jamaicagirl.wordpress.com/

Yes, I have been bitten by the Caribbean bug, I am a sucker for their accents.

Bless!

How do I say...?

2007-01-27T02:38:00.000+01:00

"Mon pere est decede aujourdhui", read the text message I received at 6:18pm. (my father died today). What do you say to a friend that sends you such an open ended message? I have a hard enough time dealing with condolences, now I had to deal with the death of my ex boyfriend's father. I didn't think it would bother me that much but as time passed, my stomach area began to feel light (and that almost hardly ever happens). I was on my way out of the grocery store to Kiki's for dinner you see. This particular ex had been so vexed with me when we broke up that he conjured up the idea that I'd blocked him off of my msn list and as a result, remained very mad at me until my birthday earlier this month. He sent me a really cute e-card with a laughing baby, wishing me a very happy birthday. He picked the baby because he knew very well that it would make me smile and gush over the virtual little one like a soon to be mother over her sonogram. I got back to Paris and chatted with him and we cleared the air between us. Things were looking good and he even sounded happy. He said he missed me. I didn't say anything back but it was still cool. Four days later, I receive that text message. What do you do?
I called him on impulse even though I hadn't the faintest clue what I was going to say to him but my heart felt heavy and painful at the same time. Voice mail (great, is this a blessing or just plain unfortunate?) *beep* 'Salut c'est moi, je voulais juste te dire que si tu besoin de quelqu'un a parler, je suis la. Bon courage est appel moi si tu peux.' (Hi, it's me, i just wanted to say that if you need someone to talk to, I am here. Good luck and call me if you can). Yes, that was the message I sent. I realize now that it almost sounded like a normal voice message but I really didn't know what else to say. In the cab to Kiki's I could feel my stomach do that thing that it does for most people in an elevator. It kept shooting from ground floor to maybe the 30th floor at 120km/hr. The cab wasn't moving that fast. In fact, there were cars all around us. It was rush hour, everyone is out in Paris on a Friday night.
Dinner with the girls was different for me. I couldn't stop physically feeling my sorrow for this dear friend. He called me back and the words that were never formulated in my brain still would not come out of my mouth. My tongue tied itself around an invisible maze and refused to move into understandable motions. I have tried to stop myself from thinking of how alone he must feel, with his family away from him and the possibility that he might not be able to make it to Mali for the burrial but my stomach won't let me... now my heart feels like it's on thin strings.
All I could muster was a text message, 'Je suis vraiment desole. Je sais meme pas quoi dire mais vous etes tous en mes priers. Je suis la pour toi si tu besoin de moi' ( I am truly sorry, I don't even know what to say but you are all in my prayers. I am here for you if you need me).
He wrote back. But I know his words do not fully express the loss he feels. I am off to say a prayer for him and his family, and for the father that I never knew but has left a mark on my aching heart.
Enjoy your weekend
Bless!

Re-Stimulation

2007-01-25T10:04:00.000+01:00

It feels good to finally feel like I am learning something again. Last semester went by in such a dull blur that I felt intellectually stagnant. I took no psychology courses last semester and it went by with me hardly enjoying the classes, let alone participating in any of the discussions. I found myself letting my brain wallow in its own sorrows and I am quite sure a few important brain cells withered away. This time around, I feel mentally stimulated to think and take part in intellectual debate again. I feel like me again. Not completely but it’s coming to me.

This afternoon, in my senior seminar, we discussed the concept of de-individualization. The professor, who couldn't be over the age of 30, asked us this question: If you were invisible for only one day, what would you do? Our class is made up of five females and we were all hesitant to answer because we did not know where she was going with this particular question. She suggested, or rather informed us, that when she was first asked the question, she answered that she would go to the phone company where she was subscribed at the time and manipulate their system so that she could make long distance calls to wherever she wanted. She is Jamaican and lived in London at the time so her answer made plenty of sense. Two other students had the courage to answer the question and this is what they would do; one said she would like to sit in her children's university classes to see them in an environment where she would not usually be needed and observe how they cope in such areas of their lives, and the other girl said she would probably spy on the people she cared about. As everyone was talking about these answers, I tried to think of something I would do if I was invisible and only one thought stuck in my mind but I was nowhere near willing to share. If I were invisible for one day, I would figure out a way to see through my professor's notes and course preparations so that I would ace their classes with straight As. It sounds strange even to me but that is the one thought that kept recurring in my mind during that small period of time that we discussed the invisibility question. With that said, I think there are more things I would do if I were invisible. Here's my list

• Go to France Telecom and sort out all my phone, internet, and TV issues so that I would somehow miraculously have all these services available to me at no cost.
• Look over my little brother's day to ensure that our continued skepticism about his daily life is unfounded and that there’s nothing to worry about.
• Pay a tiny visit to my crush's house and see what he does on a day to day basis
• Go to daddy's office and rearrange everything just the way he wants it so that his current projects are more than successful thus benefiting a whole nation
• Find the most beautiful orchids and plant them in Mama's garden

Of course my list is limited here because I actually thought about the discussion that followed the question. It has been found in several studies that when this question was asked, people were not hesitant to say that they would engage in somewhat illegal, completely immoral, and irresponsible acts. Stealing for example was very high on many studies' findings, and so were things like spying, and altering certain services in order to personally benefit the subject answering the question. People are often inclined to do things that they would otherwise think immoral when they are told or led to believe that they are not personally responsible for the consequences. Furthermore, if people are not self aware, it is easier for them to de-individualize. An interesting study that started around the time of lynching in America found that, normal, otherwise respected pillars of the community were the ones that held high ranks in the KKK and in fact carried out some of the most atrocious lynching history has seen. The fact that their faces were always covered guaranteed anonymity which plays a big role, if not the most important role in de-individualization. This was all very intriguing to me. It also happened to explain a lot of the things I previously found difficult to fathom. Take for example, the attempted plot to wipe out an entire ethnic group. I can imagine that de-individualization executes the bigger part of genocides. Why people do certain things we may not be able to fully understand, but the reason other people join them in committing immoral and sometimes heinous crimes, we can partly attribute to this phenomenon of de-individualization. And now I ask you the question I have been waiting to ask someone else all day long, if you were invisible only for a day, what would you do?

Sunny Days... even in 2 degree weather!

2007-01-22T00:58:00.000+01:00

The girls and I took a field trip to IKEA on Sunday and it was the most interesting thing I've done since I got back from the Christmas break. Four girls in a HUGE furniture/home store is like having four formerly captive monkeys let loose on a very fertile and enticing banana plantation. The choices were too many and the prices were unbelievable since the winter sales are now on. It took a huge effort to spend less than 100 euros (which I had told myself I wasn't going to spend in the first place). I bought two sets of funky pillow cases and two pillows. I am so glad I bought the pillows because I've had the same pair since 2003 when I first moved to Paris. I also bought two orange bath rugs, a fun looking orange dotted shower curtain, and a frother for my lattes and cappucinos. We left Paris at around 12.30pm and when we got there, we got the whole eating thing out of the way and then we shopped and ogled at the larger pieces of furniture that we didn't need and couldn't afford until 6pm. Because we were all carrying heavy plastic IKEA bags by the end of our spending spree, we had to call a taxi. The thought of catching the RER train back into Paris was unthinkable. It was cold outside and it took the taxi driver ten minutes to get to us. It wasn't so bad waiting because we got to tease Nija about her list. She had written up all the things she needed but ended up with a bag full of other stuff she miraculously needed the moment she saw them on the shelf. She suggested she just might go to Kiki's addiction programs for her small shopping problem.

Momo cooked a beautiful dinner of German steak and mashed potatoes for us and we ate heartily and had caramel ice cream with real chocolate sauce the way only Momo can do it. It was lovely! We watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights after dinner and let me tell you, it is such a task to laugh on a full stomach. We were all really struggling and Kiki was even slow on getting the jokes because she was so full and exhausted from the day too.

I spent my Monday running around the registrar's office to find out why all my classes were suddenly dropped. I am surprised I didn't panic considering that this is essentially my last semester but by 5pm I had sorted it all out and even got to add my sixth course. I am officially doing a course overload this semester. It is bound to be hectic but I think I need to engross myself in something and find a more strict and regular schedule. I have a 9am class on Tuesday mornings and that is something I haven't had for my entire stay at uni. It should be interesting but just so I was prepared, I set three alarms to wake me up. One on my house phone, the second on my cell phone, and the last one on my computer. I now wake up to two incessantly annoying loud beeps and Kirk Franklin's Sunshine. The last one is my favorite. I get to start my day with happy thoughts of how God brings the sun out to make my love grow! It worked this morning and I am trusting that it works all other mornings.

I went to Science Lab and I didn't know what to expect. I sat down and the prof started going off on what sounded like physics principles and I looked around to make sure I was in the right room for the right class and shock on me, I was exactly where I was supposed to be! Who would have thunk that energy and the environment needed some sort of physics knowledge? Definitely not me! I cannot remember the last time I heard of some of the laws that man was talking about. It shall be a memorable class this one.

I had lunch with Nija and Momo and we took some great photos. I then went and bought four pairs of ballerinas. Before you go thinking I am a shop-a-holic who needs help, they were on Sale! Not even you would pass up the offer! (yes even the guys would buy them for a sister, friend, or mother!)

My other class for the day was Film Criticism and Theory and I just got back home from it. I cannot remember the last time I managed to sleep with my eyes open but it appears that I have not lost that wonderful talent. The prof's voice is so calm and slow that it put me right to sleep. I can tell you now that although I took notes, I am not sure how they got into my notebook and the only things I really heard were, 'if you fail to make it to class twice, I will fail you'. Since drop/add is done, I shall be spending the rest of my semester sleeping with eyes wide open in FM 227. The movies might not do much to keep me awake either because they are all so old. On the other hand, we might watch Hitchcock's Psycho and also The Shining and I am not sure that I am skilled enough to doze off during those particular movies.

It's super cold in Paris now. We were at -2 degrees today. I really hope it warms up soon because if it doesn't, I will end up doing the one thing that comforts me in this kind of weather, shop! My eyelids are closing on me so I'm out to take me a hot shower and slide into my comfy, lovely bed, snuggling up to pooh bear (who still needs a name; Rocket where are you when I need you?) And oh, did I mention I have a new craze for Pjs? I bought three pairs on Saturday. I have also been sleeping no later than 1am. Last night it was actually 11pm so it looks like things are improving on the insomnia front. Thank God for that!

Bless!

Still Figuring It Out

2007-01-20T04:11:00.000+01:00

What's been new with me you ask, the answer is a lot and nothing. I feel like I spent my entire stay at home just lazing out, relaxing and recuperating but now that I'm back, I beg to differ.The first couple of days were spent resting and getting my normal sleep pattern back and then towards the end of the break, I found myself doing more work than I'd anticipated. I never realized how much work goes into organizing a wedding. And that was just the introduction ceremony. We haven't started on the cards, the cake, the dresses, and all that other great wedding stuff. Of course I would never want to completely take over my sister's wedding so there are some things she must decide for herself. All that organizing paired with daddy's wise reactions to the whole ordeal got me thinking, Is a huge wedding really neccessary? Is it worth it to spend so much money and time on one day? Believe me, it was hard to come to this conclusion but I believe daddy makes some sense. I might have to trash my wedding folder... but I am still thinking about keeping the dress. Reading this, one would think that I already have a suitor and everything is good to go concerning the marriage talk. NOPE, that's not looking like its the case so for now, daddy is appeased with the knowledge that I am single.

A friend of mine is involved in drugs. It's really sad to see the change in him. It's been almost a year and a half since he started and I really don't know him anymore. It is devastating what certain substances can do to a person. I know that it's definitely not my calling to deal with substance dependent folk because it frustrated me so much to see him hear what I was saying through one ear, and almost literally watch it fly out of the other ear. I keep praying for him and trusting God that him and I will both look back at these times and laugh about the silly mistakes he made, and how good God was to save him but it's hard. I can't do it with a complete honest heart because part of me is angry with the shameless son he has become to his parents, for the destruction and pain he has caused. And yet another part of me reminds me that it is the drugs that have changed him... I keep floating between giving him ultimatums to stop or lose our friendship and all this seems to mean nothing to him. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess we all know what it feels like to be told that we have a problem and we just don't see it so, that, I can't dog him for. Acceptance is a hard lesson to learn, denial always seems more convenient especially if what we are doing is wrong. I have come to realize that we do not choose the people we love and care for. Regardless of their actions, we will always cherish them even if we drift away from them for a while.

Being back in Paris has reminded me of another thing. It is so easy to convince yourself that things are going to be different but the atmosphere and environment in which you live can really make you believe otherwise. I know that this year shan't be like last year but it's hard to be all smiles when nearly everyone around you has the ugliest grimace on their face. I have also learnt through this same way that I complain too much. There is plenty to be thankful for so I should keep my eyes on the blessings rather than the things that are trying to keep me in a stunted growth.

It's late now and my classes aren't that great but I shall do them with as much vigour as I can muster because it is my last semester and I am not going out like a punk. My GPA must go higher in these last few months and woohoo! I passed ALL my classes last semester. I really thought International Law was out the window, over the small hallway down below, and into the green trashcan with a yellow lid. I was so sure, but this time it feels great to be wrong. Thank God for that.

A lot of people I've met have told me that I have a 'positive vibe' and although I am not quite sure what they mean, I know that I want to keep my chin up high and walk through every trial regally and praise for the successes I encounter, learning with humility from the mistakes I make. After all, we are all human and we are bound to stumble every now and then. How we take the fall is what betters us eventually.

Bless!

Have You Seen These People?

2007-01-19T10:41:00.000+01:00

Thankful

2007-01-13T14:46:00.000+01:00

It's been a lovely beginning of the year. I can't believe just how much I have learnt in the span of a year. I also sometimes look back on last year and I don't believe it actually happened. I am still in a bit of a daze about all of it but I am so thankful that I came through it. Speaking of, I think last year was quite horrid for a lot of people. But this year, coupled with last year's many lessons, i have come to realize one thing. Only God is our guide and only His grace sustains us. I have so much to write but so little time to do it. I will be sure to come by and write it all soon.

Please find and read a book called 'Left To Tell' by Imaculee Ilibagiza... it is a heart wrenching story, one of the few books that have made me cry and still left me with hope and a growing faith and belief that God really does care, and He answers our prayers. I like that she just left all the things that caused her pain and hurt behind, after forgiving all sorts of heinous crimes committed against her, and she walked into a new life believing that the God who took her out of one realm would carry through her another. God is love, and for the umpteenth time, I am making a fresh start and I know it doesn't bother Him at all... it only makes Him smile, as He welcomes me back.

Here are a few pics from this blessing holiday... first is the lush green garden... i love that these trees have withstood the dust all around them and can still bring some beauty to our beautiful country, then there I am in an Indian sari (sp?) at my sister's introduction ceremony, and finally, me and my little (big) brother, and my lovely choncho.

Bless!

Still Breathing

2007-01-02T16:27:00.000+01:00

Since the last time I blogged, I have been faithfully taking my vitamins. I don’t want to speak too soon but I think I am doing really well and my energy levels seem to be rising steadily. I can still feel my heart beating from my stomach but I suppose that will sort itself out soon enough. Mama is against me taking sedatives like the doctor suggested so I am trying to get my sleep patterns right through practice. I have been sleeping with fewer dreams and deeper sleep too. So I am quite grateful for that. I still haven’t finished my book (Learning the Joy of Prayer / Could You Not Tarry One Hour) but the little I have read is a huge blessing already. Things have been rather good being at home and there’s so much that’s happened that I can’t write about accurately because I’ve forgotten most of it, that has to be the only down side to this whole vacation (and yet I wonder if it’s also not a blessing).

I turned a year older yesterday. I feel old. I can tell the change in mama, she’s letting me do more. It’s kinda scary actually. The thought that I am graduating soon, and that mama lets me drive her car are little warnings that soon I’ll be mostly on my own. We spent the night as a family at Kampala Serena Hotel where we watched the beautiful fireworks. They were actually quite lovely. At midnight, there was a cake ready for me ( it was a surprise, I wasn’t expecting anything special). I saw a couple of high school friends that I hadn’t seen in a long while and it was nice to see how everyone was doing, what they’d been up to, and all that great stuff. My auntie had booked a hotel room for me at the hotel so I spent the night with my friends Nakaswa, Kaloli- lover, and Momo - who came down from Nairobi for New Years. We watched the fireworks, hung out with the parents until they tired out and went home and then we spent the whole night up amongst friends having a wonderful time. It was actually a great birthday; I didn’t expect to have that much fun. Thanks to all my friends! I definitely missed my friends that weren’t with me at the time but I was also thoroughly shocked by the number of friends that remembered to call me or send me a text message. I even heard from a sweet boy I knew in primary school! After all those calls, I had a serious moment of reflection on the people that love me and wish me well in life. It felt good to know that they weren’t imagined.

Before that, on the 31st, I stood in as a godmother to my lovely new daughter, Sydney, and it was a huge blessing. The ceremony went really well and all her siblings got baptized as well. It was cute watching the little boy, he was such a stubborn one too but he calmed down as the water flowed over his forehead. We later had a great fun party with so many little kids running around; it was total bliss for me. I am such a baby lover! I cannot wait to have my own. Yesterday, on the 1st, I spent the day being a godmother again with my third god child; her baptism was a smooth one too. She was so excited and I was amazed at how much she knew about the actual ceremony and what it meant. We later had a little get together for her and she got tons of presents. I am super honored to be trusted by these children’s parents.

Last night, my little brother, mama, and I had a ‘meeting’. My little brother finally confided in us. Well, he always has confided in mama with a lot of things but not in me since I left home almost five years ago. We grew apart and I forgot that he is going through all the things that I went through while growing up. It was touching, even though I kinda crashed the meeting, I was allowed to stay and throw my two cents in the matters at hand. He had so much rage in him that he began to cry and that was it for me, I too started to cry and in that moment, with all 3 of us there, crying, and sniffling, I realized how alike me and my little brother are. He is too good and he still believes that all people are good, and want good for everyone else. He is slowly learning that his inner peace is far more important than the ramblings of other people. He is seeing how much people can try to work for his failure. We don’t understand why people do or say such things but we know now, that for as much protection, love, peace and joy is showered on us by God, there is always a double effort by the devil to try and weigh us down. I have personally learnt that people might try to be nice and honest and good, but they are not something that I should trust, or rely on completely. In a heart beat, the person I think loves me could turn around and disown me. My peace, which I had almost lost, is not going anywhere - no matter what. And I pray with all my heart that my little brother never has to learn in ways as hard as mine, that all he needs is Christ in His heart, to have that peace. For my other little brother, I know that the ways of people do not bother him much, I do know though that he treasures material things a whole lot. I pray that he will be able to find the things that he desires in the world without having to compromise his values and beliefs in the quest for material things and to learn that nothing in the world can bring him happiness or peace if he doesn’t have them already in his heart through Jesus.

I am still loving being at home and I find myself thanking God so much for everyday that I am able to love and smile the way I do. The road to recovery seems really rewarding… I hope it stays this way even in Paris for these last few months.

Bless!

Close to Newness

2006-12-29T13:32:00.000+01:00

I have been home about a week now and I am loving it. I didn’t realize the amount of stress I was going through until I saw the doctor yesterday. It’s crazy because the first thing I thought to do, after hearing from him, was to blog about my ‘condition’. Apparently, my aortic artery (the one that’s supposed to be behind my vertebral spine thingie) is now forward to my stomach so if you place your hand softly on my belly, you can hear my heart beating from my stomach. The way the doctor did it was quite freaky. He had me put my hand there and asked me to feel for something. When I felt the pulse, I pulled my hand away quickly thinking something was actually growing in there. I asked panickingly, ‘What is that?’ the doctor smiled. I was not liking this doctor, a few minutes later, he had told me that all I needed was a boyfriend and all would be well. Now he was smiling at a pulsing feeling in my belly. I asked him to explain quickly and he said something about the artery shifting due to stress and that my normal heart pulse was gone and was replaced with a lower, lazier one. I wasn’t getting enough blood and that explained my dizzy spells. My insomnia, as I had thought previously, was tainted with a slight depression, and here I am, a psych major, showing psychosomatic symptoms. It was a bit surreal but I know that everything he said is true. I have been letting too much get to my mind and stay on it too. That must change.

Since I got home, I have been taking about seven different pills (all sorts of vitamins) and I have been eating breakfast – a huge achievement for me. Mama has suggested switching off my phone at a certain hour of the night and I am seriously contemplating it. We will see.

Christmas passed really well among family and friends and we ate SO much. It was the relaxed, laid back, love that I have always wanted.

I MET A VIRTUAL FRIEND! Actually, I met TWO virtual friends. I hadn’t met them and yet we’d been talking on msn and through e-mail for almost two years. It felt really great. The little one even said she’d missed me, like we knew each other and had just been away for a while. Everything is like we thought it would be. It’s actually quite funny, both of us still don’t believe we are in Uganda, hanging out with each other and having a good time. We are yet to spend a whole day of nothing doing together but we’re working on it.

I am going to be a god mother to two beautiful little girls. One on the 31st and another on the 1st (also my birthday). I think it’s such an honor to be there for these little ones. I have to make sure I keep myself in check for myself, for them and most importantly, for my soul’s sake. I get so excited thinking about it and I just can't wait.

Blogging will be super spaced out these next few days because I can't find a good connection anywhere and I am really trying to cut down on all the computer stuff... the doctor says I need rest and perhaps a boyfriend (he really did say that), I thought he was out of his mind but I am sure he is right about the resting part. I still have a few days left and I am planning on using them the best I can.

I am currently reading a book by a one Larry Lea called The Joy of Prayer. And it is such a blessing. I can already feel the difference and the changes that I am going to face in the year to come. God is good and He sure is faithful. Sometimes I fail to understand how He can love me so... I don't doubt it anymore, I am just amazed by His love and grace. A lot is going to change but I can't and won't start babbling about what is going to change until I have come up with a real long list of all the shaking that needs to be done. I shall shake until only those things that can't be shaken remain.

Blessings and Peace to all!

Bless!

2006-12-22T20:35:00.000+01:00

Hey good blogger people! I am in the airport on my way home and I couldn't be any happier. I just came by to wish you all a few blessings.... Get your dancing shoes on, and dance a new life into a new year. I know I'll be back here shortly to let you all know what new guidelines I am setting up for myself.

I'm going to be dancing in these bad girls right here...

With a very very sane and peaceful mind (unlike the past few months)

And remembering every day that...

Gotta catcht that flight now... peace and love and merry holidays all around! God bless you and keep you.

Shalom!

Bless!

New Beginnings # Uncountable

2006-12-21T15:01:00.000+01:00

guess who got a Pooh bear!

I just finished my last exam of my first semester of the fourth year of university and I don't even know what state I am in right now. Nija and I spent literally twelve hours (from 8pm to almost 8am) working on our final project and extra credit assignments. The amount of time and patience it took for us to input data on 192 countries was just too much. I seriously doubt that I would have made it if I was doing it alone. There was a point where we just got delirious, in between the several coffees, and chocolate stuffing, it was clear that we had pushed our bodies and brains to their maximum. It was fun at the beginning but with each passing hour and the increasing difficulty of having to calculate the uls Q of different variables, it started to get frustrating. Thank goodness for Nija's bubbly personality. We did not get on each others' nerves once for the entire 12 hours we hovered over the computer and the CIA factbook. When we finally finished at data input at around 7.05am, we did not know what to do with ourselves. We sat there and saved all the documents a couple of times and then decided that it would be in our best interest to take short nap before we woke up at 9.30am to print everything out and possibly go over the essay question that was the final exam. At 9.30am, all three of our alarms went off and we hit all three snooze buttons continuously until we lost track of time. When I did wake up, it was 11.20am and our exam was meant to start at 12pm. This was what I call panic mode. It would have been a full fledged frenzy if we weren't so tired. Instead, we crawled out of bed, threw on some clothes, lazily washed our faces and brushed out teeth, and then headed over to the computer lab to do the printing. Our chart could not be printed out in a readable format... We left it as it was and headed to the exam. We were ten minutes late but the professor was still going over the basics. I don't know what I did in there but I pray to God it works out. My body is tired, my mind is scattered, my brain is completely cell-less at this point, and my soul... my soul is the topic for the rest of this post.

Looking back at this semester, I have gradually declined in all matters concerning happiness, peace, love, and God. They have all been replaced by anger, irritation, self-pity, rudeness and perhaps a frosty heart...inches away from ice cold. This year started off looking bright and promising, I met new friends, re-lit my fire with God, trusted in Him with my all and vowed to serve Him wholly for the umpteenth time. At the end of the year, I see that I accomplished some things, but only for a while. As I write this, I am at a point where I am struggling to get back to the point where I was closest to being at peace with my soul. That point where soul said, 'do this' and I obeyed with no compromise or objection. And then I started to phase out my soul's voice. I compromised a lot, tried to find a middle line, all the while distinguishing the fire that was in my soul. That is about to stop, right now, this instant.

Have you ever not known where you are going but you know that you will get there and you are not worried about how you will get there? I have tried to not listen, I have tried pretending that I don't care... but the truth is; I can't live this life without God. Both in life here on earth, and to ensure my salvation. I just can't do it without Him.

Kiki bought me a pooh bear for an early birthday present so y'all can scratch that off the wishlist. I was so happy when I got it that I cried! I finally booked my airport shuttle so I leave Paris at 6.30pm tomorrow evening. Lunch at Buddha bar was pushed forward to tomorrow so I still get to see all my beautiful ladies before we part ways for the break... I still have to write out their christmas cards, I have to pack, i have to sleep (it's been more than 24 hours now), and I need to make a few calls to some loved ones... OH! and I have to clean too...

Happy Holidays All! May your Christmas be Christ filled and may love and peace dwell in your hearts now and always!

Random Info: Fidel Castro holds at least one world record for longest speech

four very mature people trying to fit in a small elevator

Bless!

Deja Entendu

2006-12-20T01:58:00.000+01:00

My Kaka Anyway passed away last night. She was my sweet grandma that cursed in front of all the little kids but still believed in God so much that she inspired us to love Him so. She is the little frail old lady that could give the sternest, most disgusted look at someone, but whose frail arms could hold us to sleep when no one else would. I was her kyakwera, her kakazi, her baby. She showed us all favor and made us feel special without letting it get to our heads. I last saw her almost a year ago. She was in terrible discomfort. Something kept itching from the inside and she couldn't get to it. I promised to go spend my next long holiday with her. Another promise I was unable to keep. Five years ago, I made that same promise to her sister. I didn't keep it.

I woke up almost confident that I was ready for my exams when mama called. It was out of the ordinary that she called at 1pm. She knew my exam schedule... she knew I finished at 9.30pm. Why was she calling now? It wasn't like the last time though. There was no knowing dread when I heard the phone ring. It went something like this...

Hi mama

Hello! Have you revised?(who says that word anymore?!)

Yeah but everything seems to have disappeared from my head!

When are you coming home?

I'll be there on Saturday, I leave Paris Friday night. Why? Did you want something?

No... I am going to Mbarara.. I should be back Thursday night or Friday morning.

Are you going to see Kaka Anyway?

Ye.. Yeah... *then the dread punches my chest like a mike tyson knockout* It seems I am going to burry her...

Oh no... *conversation becomes a big foggy blur*

I love you

I love you too mama

~Ends~

I really do love my mama. I knew she didn't want to tell me before my two exams. I knew she didn't want me to worry and feel alone. I knew she knew that I would break down and think of Kaka Kwokundeka and how I hadn't been there. How I hadn't let her know that I love her. And now it seemed to be happening again. I don't quite know how I did it but I went ahead with my day. I guess my brain and body were telling me that this is not the time to mourn. I was switched to auto pilot all day. It was a long one too.

For my Literature exam, I felt I did alright. I might have repeated myself one too many times but the professor loves emphasis on important things so we shall pretend that that is exactly what I was trying to achieve. I don't feel horribly about that one. I finished at a good time, and felt alright when I left the room. I still had two hours to study for my Interntional Law exam but I couldn't get through it. There was so much on my mind, I didn't even want to leave the apartment again. I dragged myself over to school half an hour before the exam was supposed to start. Sitting in a room filled with enthusiastic aspiring lawyers is not the best place to be when you know you are not well prepared for an exam. All these dates were flying across the room and I really didn't know what they were talking about... I almost asked if we were really in the right room and if I wasn't in some ancient history course. Suffice it to say that if I am able to pass this class with the minimal required grade, I shall be grateful and also smart enough not to let my inquisitive self lead me to fields of study that will wreck my brain.

I finished the exam at 9pm and headed over to Kiki's for dinner. Her mom cooked for us. It was freezing cold today. I thought I would be the last one to arrive since my exam was the latest one of the day but I actually got there after Momo. Dali had group presentations and was running late, and Nija accidentally took a nap instead of going out to buy the wine she was supposed to bring with her. By 9.45pm we were nibbling on bread and cheese, waitng for Dali. Kiki's mom was a lot more open and she joked around with us, told us about her family and Kiki when she was younger. It was so adorable because she would start a story and then say, 'K, tell them about the time at the airport...' She has the most loving way of saying 'darling' it's like a mix between a British accent and an Indian accent. It's really sweet of her to take us all under her wings and do the job of five mothers in one. The timing was great. We had a great time and laughed A LOT.

I am back home now and I am considering making myself cry but why should I? Kaka Anyway is in a much happier place and I know me and her cat will miss her terribly but death is not something we must fear. Fear itself is not something we ought to have in our lives... I trust in Him who strengthens me. The same way He has all day long, so shall He strengthen me for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow, we are going to Buddha Bar for lunch with Kiki's mom. She really has become one of the Posse People. And the rest of the day, I am studying my flat tush off and hopefully squeezing in a visit at my hairdressers. I look awful!

Special Thanks to this kind soul for the links to my favorite author's newsletter and blog. Much love and blessings! OH! readers, do check out the 'kind soul' there are some really great pictures on there!

Bless!

Law, Food Poisoning, and Kayirebwa

2006-12-18T21:56:00.000+01:00

I feel sick again and this time it has drained all the energy out of me. I ate a pizza from speed rabbit almost two hours ago and immediately after, my stomach hurt so badly. I wanted to throw up but I couldn't The pain is gone now but I feel weak. I managed to study a little for my International Law Exam tomorrow and I was doing well but now I am looking over my notes and thinking the professor is going to come up with some other information that I didn't cover or looked over briefly. They always do that and it pisses me off. Why can't we walk in with our notes or something? Okay, maybe the whole open book idea is not that great but why don't they at least specify a little more precisely on the questions that will be included in the exam? Apparently, my exam tomorrow will include a case analysis, it could be on the law of the sea, international environmental law, law of warfare, or all of these in short answer form. What is that about? Does this professor know that I am not even a law major? I need to quit complaining and just pray that the studying I have done will have me covered for the exam. I really need to bring my GPA up. Now that can happen one way in my opinion... divine intervention! And I am so convinced it will happen.

I suppose my studying for today has reached threshold level. I can't seem to process much and the fact that I have my Literature exam before the law one doesn't help me at all. I just want to get it over and done with. Besides, the only things that matter in life are definitely not taught in University.

Yesterday Kiki's mum took us all to dinner at this cute Indian restaurant off the Champs. It was really nicely decorated and the food was lovely. I had chicken biryani and cheese naan. We ate so much! Kiki's mum is a darling. She talked about the time she spent in Kenya and Tanzania. She was so soft spoken and it was interesting to watch Kiki act like a child all over again. She is cooking dinner for us tomorrow night as well over at Kiki's and I think it will be good to hang out after my heaviest day of exams.

After the dinner, Momo and I made a 'quick' stop at Sephora because I wanted to use my 10% off offers. I get them almost monthly because I have the Sephora card. I also got a cute little perfume case bottle thingie for my purse. I wasn't sure what I wanted so we walked around some, smelt a few scents and I finally decided on getting Emanuel Ungaro's Apparition. I am in love with that perfume now. So that was my Christmas gift to myself, thanks to my Sephora card.

On our way out of Sephora, we took photos of the lit up avenue which I can't seem to get onto the computer, probably because my memory card wasn't in the camera when I took them but I will figure out how to copy them onto it soon. We had to run to catch the bus because it arrived before we got to the bus stop and all Momo had to say was 'It's the bus!' and we both heaved our very full bellied selves over to the stop. It's amazing that we made it really because prior to that, we were literally waddling. I came home with plans to get some rest, check up on a couple of friends and then start studying but none of that happened. All I did was sit around looking for things to do other than study until 5am this morning.

I had an interesting conversation with P. He told me about mountain climbers, how one of his cats got attacked by another bigger, neighbourhood bully cat, and then about an antelope that was adopted by a lion family. Apparently the antelope was nervous but grateful. I also remembered to look up what ligers look like because I had never seen one before and they are actually pretty. Despite the intimidating size, they are a good mix of animals. A lion and a tiger. I wonder if there are any mixes with lions and leopards, or tigers and leopards... oooh or even a mix of jaguars and lions or something like that.

I adore the big cat families but only when they are little or far away from me. I remember being terrified when we visited this national park in South Africa and we were told we could pet the lion cubs. My little brother Mukonzi had absolutely no problem going for the little cuddly things. He is six years younger than me but my other brother, Phat C and I were not going anywhere near those little things. I suppose Phat C only saw the older version of them in his head just like I did because all we managed was a pathetic pet on the far back. Mukonzi held and played with one for several minutes. I am not a big animal person. At least not in person. I love them from afar. And I am pretty sure they know that.

One of my good friends that hasn't been home in forever finally went home last week. I am sure she is going to have herself a lovely lovely time and I can't wait to go home and meet her. It was a huge surprise to me because all this time, I was calling her number and all I got was voicemail so when her housemate finally picked up, I was more than happy for her. It was becoming a bit fun to leave voice messages and then play them back so I could hear my own voice. Speaking of home, I woke up in a frenzy today. I dreamt that I had missed my flight. It was the most horrible dream this week (yes, it is monday I know but still). I found myself wanting to pack there and then so nothing would mess up my trip back to Ug.

Oh, last night I spent the entire time looking for online downloads of an old Rwandese singer's songs. Unfortunately, all I got were clips. Her name is Cecile Kayirebwa and I have been looking for her albums all over the place but I haven't managed to get one. I realized I really desperately want one when I heard the sample to Tarihinda and my heart felt like it was smiling. I then found this site with a radio station called Iwacu that I have been listening to all day. It was funny to study to those beats. And here I am now, stomach weakening every part of me and I am seriously contemplating going to sleep and waking up feeling better so I can study some more.

Does any reader of this blog have any Cecile Kayirebwa songs? My favorites are Tarihinda, Umunezero, and Umulisa. Please let me know... I would be eternally grateful to you.

PS: please pray for me to pass these exams and up my GPA

*** 2.52am...Hours after posting this, I searched some more for Tarihinda and I found the FULL version here just look through the names for Kayirebwa Cecile and click on Tarihinda, it's absolutely divine! You might need realplayer to listen to it. Try out the other songs too. Okay, I am really going to sleep now... I seem to have forgotten everything I read a few hours ago.

Bless!

Epiphany

2006-12-17T03:13:00.000+01:00

"Sunrise, sunrise

Looks like mornin' in your eyes

But the clocks held 9:15 for hours" -Sunrise, Norah Jones

I feel like it's been a beautiful morning all day. I woke up at 11am to my mother's sweet voice and nothing made me happier than hearing her straight from the belly laugh. She seems to always be laughing no matter what I say and that brings me tons of comfort and confidence boosters. Not many people think I am that funny... or people just don't know how to laugh that beautifully.

I spoke to my darling El Castro as well. He told me the funniest thing after telling me off for teasing him about using mama's phone to call me. Apparently, my cousin, Kaco, whose job requires a lot of travelling around, was in Jinja for a couple of days and there, she ran into a former Presidential Candidate. The story goes like so: Kaco walks out of her hotel room and into the hallway and is minding her own business when she sees said ex presidential candidate walking towards her from the opposite direction. My sweet Kaco decides it is a dangerous predicament, and so she turns back around speed walking (the kind that is so fast you almost trip) to her room to call mama and ask her what she she should do. I found this so hilarious. I don't know what she was thinking but I do know that he is rather scary looking, and I know I would not want to be in the same hallway as him. I think I would have looked for the nearest window. I laughed so hard that I didn't realize that El Castro had passed the phone back to mama, I'd said bye to her, and hung up.

I got ready to meet with a friend of the family that was in Paris on business. We went to the Eiffel Tower and he made fun of the 'stupid monument' and then we sat down for a hot chocolate. We had a great discussion and he told me how strange his proposal to his wife was . Apparently, he called her one day and asked, "what do you think about marriage?" And after she'd said all she had to say, he said, "so, what do you think?" I thought that was so crazy. I know I would have thrown a fit after hearing that proposal. We then went to the Champs Elysees and walked around in the drizzle (kiki says it's spitting, instead of it's drizzling, I find that sick and uncomfortable).

Momo met us later and after walking around some more, my friend went back to his hotel to rest. Momo and I went to SFR where she got a new phone. She got the Sony Ericsson k800i with a 3.2 megapixel cyber shot camera, modem, multimedia(mp3, radio, video calls...) the works. I seriously started to wonder about my N73 that I've been dreaming about for weeks now. I love Sony Ericsson too but i wonder how I would manage with that one unchanged inconvinience in the text messaging area. I think that SE would be my only other alternative to Nokia. I can't stand motorolla let alone LG. Never tried them, don't even want to try them. Momo was like a little girl who'd just gotten her first present ever. She could not stop wiping the phone clean and making cute girlie noises when she discovered something new. I suppose I have some time to think on it since I shan't be getting my wishlist dished out to me on a silver platter.

We then went to Impala Lounge for dinner and it was great. I stuffed myself with Salmon, Plantain, Rice and a Coconut curry sauce, with mango juice to wash it all down. The only thing that didn't quite feel like home was the Salmon because we just don't have that type of fish but everything else was sublime. The service wasn't the greatest but we made up for it by laughing and carrying on about our usual foolishness.

I saw Clo today as well. I haven't seen the girls since I got sick about three days ago. It was sweet that they sent me texts to see how I was doing. The cutest was Dali and Bruh. They sent texts from the same phone saying nearly the same thing but signed differently. They are such a couple, I love it. I pray that everything is well with them everyday because they really do love each other. Nija is doing great. She watched Sarafina for the first time and she called to thank me for 'enlightening her on this important history'. Kiki is having fun with her mom and we are all having dinner at a lavish Indian restaurant tomorrow night to rejuvinate us and send us off into the exam week. Maminoutu had a lovely birthday and is not too upset that I couldn't make it.

I felt really good today, I laughed, joked and praised in everything I did. One little thing did all that for me. I woke up to laughs, listened to Kirk Franklin's Hero on repeat for half an hour and sang prayers to my LORD all day. One simple step off a certain path to another made all the difference. I am looking forward to tomorrow for sure for I know that my ears are tuned better to my Maker's voice.

PS: I must type out a beautiful Paulo Coelho story I read last night for tomorrow's blog.

NOTE: Mukyala Katemba... nagahwa mazima... ninjira ontwekyere ka e-mailo ongambire skedule yawe rero tubone kuteera amasimu.

Bless!

Block...

2006-12-15T21:47:00.000+01:00

What I am reading...

"So it was. A little black girl yearns for blue eyes of a little white girl, and the horror at the heart of her yearning is exceeded only by the evil of fulfillment. ... The birdlike gestures are worn away to a mere picking and plucking her way between the tire rims and the sunflowers, between Coke bottles and milkweed, among all the waste and beauty of the world - which is what she herself was. All of our waste which we dumped on her and which she absorbed. And all of our beauty, which was hers first and which she gave to us. All of us - all who knew her - felt so wholesome after we cleaned ourselves on her." - The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison.

I watched...

Phat Girlz: Which I think was hilarious only because of the Nigerian accents and the occasional African song
Babel: Trying a bit too hard to be like Crash. It did evoke some emotion in me but it didn't flow as nicely as Crash did.

I feel...

Lazy, bummed out, tired, depressed, but also, happy, anxious, confident, faithful, strong, and if I dig deep enough, beautiful!

********

At the time of writing this blog, I was feeling really blah-ish and sick. I wasn't able to really write everything I had wanted to. I spent all day in the apartment and more specifically, in my bed, and on my comfy couch. I woke up with an aching body and I just have no morale to do anything. I keep joking about all the stress finally coming down on me but it just might be true so I need to quit playing. The apartment is in disarray and it's horrible. I really should clean up and get some life up in this joint. Maybe my dear friend Chuckles was right, it might be examination fever I am coming down with. Anyhowz, I know that I know that I will come out of it strong and triumphant. Whatever it is that my body is trying to communicate to my brain shall not be accepted by my soul because I am healed! WOO to the HOO! say it with me now! hehe. I must have lost my mind somewhere in the process of all this but there are three things I will not do.

I shall not let my God down
I will not get mediocre grades in these dreaded exams
I will not go home in a tired state that might move my dear mama to tears

Donc Voila, there you have it... my three goals for this last week of school.

On a different note, I tried to mess around with my beautiful template by 'upgrading' to the new beta version of blogger templates and I could not go back! I was really frustrated and it feels really strange to be seeing it like this, in blogger style. I was so accustomed to my old one that now I am not sure what to do with this rainbow of a template I have conjurred up. I am sure that with time, I will fix it up nicely and it will feel like home again. That said, there are a few cool additions to the template area in blogger. I am glad for that.

I was unable to go to my girl Iva's (Maminitou) birthday dinner because I was afraid my grumpy sick self would ruin the night for everyone. I do hope they had loads of fun and took plenty of pictures because I was so ready to smile big and bring home a whole album of fun photos but alas, something more powerful is telling me that I stick my face out at the camera too much.

I should be in bed now but I had to come and post a little more to ease up the mood and balance out the randomness of the first part of this post...

y'all have a good weekend and MUKYALA KATEMBA! If I must, I shall write a NOTE with every post so you can get in touch FTASAP (Faster Than As Soon As Possible)! I even tried calling you!!!

Countdown to Exams: 2 days (YIKES!)

PS: HAHAHA Ray... your comment now looks like you were hallucinating or weren't patient enough to get through the WHOLE post! LOL *sticks tongue out at ray and does a little victory dance*

PPS: OH MY WORD! What if the person that checked out my blog in Sao Paulo was Paulo Coelho?? I am not thinking way ahead of myself am I? Mr. Coelho Sir, next time do leave a comment? I would be most honoured!

Bless!

Report

2006-12-14T22:35:00.000+01:00

Today was good. I felt much better once I got up. That actually means once I got up, out of bed and into the shower. I still have a few inexplicable pangs of pain in my stomach but they are a lot better than yesterday's dizziness and altogether sick feeling. I have also figured out a way to copy all my photos from the album camera to the card reader so all wasn't lost on Tutsi. Sony people are very smart ones I tell you. I just can't figure out how to find my videos though...

I hadn't eaten all day so I just stuffed myself with a four egg omelette and that can't be good. I shoved it down to fast I think. Anyhow, I just came to report that

I got my courses for next semester today and it's going to be a heavy load. I am taking six courses instead of the normal five, but I am hopeful for next semester and the blessings it shall bring. I also realized, in receiving next semester's schedule that I am actually graduating in about five months. It's a scared but happy, confused feeling.

I did (twisted) my girlfriend's hair today and it turned out so pretty that I felt like cutting my hair all off and going natural again. I miss my 'fro... even though it didn't last more than a year, I miss it.

It's not a close up but it suits her so beautifully!

I was wonderfully amazed by nature today. It didn't seem quite as cold as the other days this week and the sun, although cold, was peeking out at all of us Parisians today.

I still haven't opened one book to study but I plan on doing that starting tomorrow and all weekend. I don't even know where to start, that's my main problem. I suppose it would make plenty of sense to start with studying for whatever my first exam is.

Kiki's mama is in town and she is so delighted! Talking to her made me feel happy vicariously.
Mama dearest decided to paint the house back home so everyone is sleeping in the garage tonight and tomorrow night as well. I am so thankful that I am away from home as she goes on her usual house deco stunts.

I figured out how to use my stylish Italian Coffee maker thingymajig... I don't know it's real name but you know, one of those tin things like the one down there...the coffee flavor is magnifico!

Someone in Sao Paulo visited my blog! I am so excited, there might actually be some hope for an e-mail from Corneille. I figure the more times I name drop, the more the chances that my blog appears on the google search result page... matter of fact, I am going to check that now...
All my friends are well.

I am crush-less, surprise-less, and definitely romantic-less and oh so drama-less. But I LOVE IT!
That song 'sexy love' by Neyo that once gave me shivers down my spine is now one of my most loathed songs. I can't say why for sure but I am pretty sure I have a clue.

I am starting to feel a little too full so let me go lay down now.

NOTE: To whom it may concern,

Mukyala Katemba, I need you to be on skype so we can talk... how else do you think I am going to share my life with the family??

Woohoo for Rocket whose communications presentation was the best of the class! Super proud of you my ray of sunshine long after the sun has set!

Special 'Merci' to Bawu for making me giggle and choke on stiffled laughter at all the things that were said in our short chat.

Countdown to Exams: 3 days

Bless!

2006-12-14T02:04:00.000+01:00

Updates...

I woke up feeling very sick
I still feel quite sick

But....

I was cheered up by many things including this

Remember that concert I blogged about for days back in November? Well, all was not lost. Someone had the good sense to keep their computer running and in good health so it didn't crash on them and they didn't lose their videos from that night. That someone is obviously not me but I am so grateful to that person for seeing this little dance and smile again. I feel so much better!

Isn't Corneille adorable?
NOTE TO CORNEILLE: If you ever google yourself and come across this blog, please please e-mail me (that should only take a second, click on the link and type away, maybe leave your phone number and I will so call you! Not some stalker type stuff but I have many many questions to ask!)

Other than that, nothing is happening really. I should get some sleep but I wanted Rocket to know that he is a special person and I LOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH

Countdown to exams: 4 days (shoot! time does fly don't it??)
Amount of work done: NONE!

Bless!

2006-12-12T22:35:00.000+01:00

This year alone has made me feel like I cannot be the calm, collected Psychologist I want to be. At first I wanted to do medicine but then I realized that that would take eons to get done so I came to Paris and the first class I ever took in Psychology had me hooked. It was more because of the professor and how he taught the course but isn't it always that way? Our interests are encouraged by good teachers. Anyway, fast forward three years later and I really don't know how well I would cope with listening to people's issues all day long. I have these episodes lately where I just don't want to hear anything from anyone. Whether happy or sad or serious or funny. I just want to be alone. It's not like that helps in itself because I end up thinking about the last thing that I heard from someone, or the last ounce of 'drama' that I came across and it stays with me for the longest.

I used to think that things that happened to me and didn't rub me the right way were easy to shed off. I have been tested to my current limit and the threshold has been reached and surpassed. I hate waking up feeling like turning off my phone for the entire day. I don't like having to tell my friends that I don't feel like doing lunch and when they ask why, I say 'no reason' because I know that 'I want to be alone' is not a good enough reason.

I am tired of all the things in this world that have no solutions and yet people continue to die and fall victim to things they could have easily avoided. I am even more perplexed and confused by the concept of trust. It really has been a long semester. I keep asking myself if I could have done things differently, what those things would be. I am fed up of not being the person that sits back when madness erupts. You see, it used to work perfectly for me. I would distance myself from everyone and everything so whenever something went down, I didn't really hurt. It used to take a lot to hurt me, or make me angry even. Now, I am as irritable as a wet rat. (that was possibly the worst simile in history but I am not changing it).

I don't know what my passion is anymore. Maybe children will be easier to listen to and their adorable faces, innocent ways, and sweet smiles will remind me of why I am still listening...

Countdown to Exams: 5 days

Bless!

Is this new template working for me?
	YES!
	Kinda
	Not Quite
	Definitely NOT

pollcode.com free polls